Monique Ruffin is the host, creator and producer of Generation Sex, a web series that creates a safe space to discuss the taboo issues facing both men and women in sexual relationships. She has a Master’s Degree in Spiritual Psychology, has studied under the guidance of Michael Beckwith, and is an accomplished writer and blogger with contributions at Purple Clover, Huffington Post and Mom.me.
It seems to me that women are the gender that is most difficult to please sexually, in that studies show it takes the average man four minutes to reach climax and the average woman sixteen minutes. Given the challenges in satisfying women sexually, why as a culture are we so focused on getting, pleasing and keeping a man and not the other way around?
I used to make sex a circus act
For most of my life, both my lovers and I had been focused on their sexual satisfaction. I learned from women’s magazines that to keep your man’s attention in the bed (and otherwise), meant you must do tricks, flips, and give the best blow jobs. Every sexual experience felt to me like a circus act. I’d perform in order to make my partners feel like they were the best I’d ever had.
I’d go fast, slow, top, bottom, and sideways, all the time moaning and groaning a symphony of deep, low tones and high-pitched screams. On most occasions, I found myself depleted but unsatisfied, while my partner lay beside me glowing and panting to catch his breath. Upon returning home or when I’d find myself alone, I’d whip out my hand bullet and “fix it,” a phrase I created for times when my partners could not get the entire job done.
Why we have a Billion-Dollar-A-Year Vibrator & Sex-Toy Industry
I believe the biggest culprit in the cultural diminishment (if not out and out disavowal!) of female sexuality has been patriarchy. We live in a world that uplifts and affirms men, especially when it comes to things in the bedroom. While women have been encouraged to find a good man and work hard to keep him, men have been encouraged to work hard and conquer the world, along with as many women as they desire, until they decide to settle with one. For decades medicine and science focused learning about the male human body, almost exclusively. In the late 1950s the research of Masters and Johnson began to explore the science of sexual response in both men and women. This research revealed that women are also able to have multiple orgasms in one sexual encounter, while men need time to rest between ejaculations.
In my experience, female sexual pleasure requires a great deal more time, creativity, and effort than the pleasure of men, and it seems that science agrees with me. So why aren’t there more conversations encouraging men to pull out all the stops to keep their women happy, satisfied, and sexually excited? Instead, women have taken this responsibility into their own hands, literally, to the sound of a billion-dollar-a-year vibrator and sex-toy industry.
Why women should be the center of attention during sex
The fact is we’ve gotten it all wrong when it comes to which partner, male or female needs more attention sexually. With the average man reaching climax in four minutes and the average woman needing sixteen minutes, it’s clear that female sexual pleasure demands all the bells and whistles. Our culture has turned the idea upside down, sending many women, including myself chasing our tails and spinning in circles.
According to Naomi Wolf’s book Vagina, a study released by the University of Indiana in 2010 reported that only 64 percent of women in the study reported having orgasms in their last sexual encounter, compared to 85 percent of men in the same study reporting that 85 percent of their female partners reached orgasm. Studies like these show that a large percentage of female sexual pleasure is going unfilled and our partners are, for the most part, unaware.
A year ago I stopped performing & this is what happened
I put aside my ideas that I needed to work and do my best to please a man. The result has been amazing. My current lover does everything in his power to make sure I’m pleased. I’m very willing during sex to ask for what I like, set speed limits, and require detours when necessary. The days of worrying about his pleasure and satisfaction are over for me. If my partner doesn’t reach orgasm (which is hardly ever the case), I don’t feel bad and like I need to “fix it” for him. But if I’m not pleased I will say so, and I’ll ask for more. I no longer pretend to be satisfied when I am not.
I’ve learned that men are much more attached to female satisfaction and pleasure than they are to their own. Why not make it easy for them? It might feel awkward at first, but it’s well worth letting a man know exactly what pleases you so he can be successful. Once he experiences your pure bliss, he’ll feel like a king. And you will be the one laying in a glow of sexual pleasure. Trust me, it’s sweet.