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The Incredible Benefits Of Mutual Masturbation

Vivian Flame
The Author

About Me

Vivian Flaim is a writer who spends her days thinking about and exploring human intimacy and connection. She passionately believes in the right to openly and freely express sexual identity, identifying as a polyamorous bisexual female “relationship anarchist.” She is native to the California Bay Area, where she currently serves as the Communications Director of a sustainability think tank and demonstration center.

First date dilemma: you’re making out, things are starting to get hot and heavy, and you find yourself at a crossroads – are you willing to “go further” with this person yet?

There may seem like two options:

#1 Keep the sexual energy flowing by engaging in oral sex or intercourse, despite the fact that you probably haven’t developed much trust with this new lover.

#2 Stop the sexual energy by pulling away and saying something along the lines of: “Let’s take it slow.”

However, I’ve found pleasure and empowerment in steering mounting sexual energy towards a delicious third option: Mutual Masturbation.

Mutual masturbation is a term used to describe sexual activity that does not involve fluid exchange.

4 Incredible, Delicious, Benefits of Mutual Masturbation


Here’s why mutual masturbation is a wonderful, empowering tool for sharing your sexuality:

#1 It helps you decide if you want to “go further” next time.

Did you feel safe, comfortable and respected? Or did your partner react uncomfortably to something you asked for during mutual masturbation?

Well, good – you know before you’ve had higher-risk contact that you two are not sexually compatible.

#2 It makes sex bigger than just penetration

It encourages a deep appreciation of kissing, caressing, erotic massage and other forms of physicality that are too often rushed en route to “3rd base sex” or penetrative orgasm.

Genital massage especially can be profoundly healing, as it encourages receiving (as opposed to “performing” for your partner). This can be a powerful experience for women who have been culturally conditioned to put others’ desires ahead of their own.

#4 It builds trust

It builds trust and allows you to practice open communication about what you want and don’t want.

#5 It shows your lover what you’re into.

Nobody knows your body better than you do. Watching you touch yourself will teach your partner how to touch you, and will probably turn him into an even greater lover.

5 Unique Ways To Engage in Mutual Masturbation


Here are some ways to do it:

#1 Touch yourself while watching your partner

You can lie across the bed, or next to a partner while you both touch yourselves. It’s fun to fantasize aloud about what you are “doing” to each other (i.e. Moaning, “You’re sliding into me now…” while penetrating yourself with your fingers).

#2 Take turns exchanging genital massage

Relax completely while your partner gently explores and caresses your genitals. This is a sweet way to build trust, share sensual energy, and practice communication about touch preferences. (It’s also a beautiful and refreshing practice for seasoned lovers!)

#3 Touch each others genitals simultaneously

Reserve one hand for you and one  for your partner if you are trying to prevent fluid exchange.

#4 Take turns stroking each other

Take turns stroking each others thighs, buttocks or genitals while the receiver masturbates. Imagine four hands on you at once!

#5 Women: think beyond the standard “hand job”

Try cupping your breasts or even the arches of your feet around his cock!

3 Tips to Make It Work


#1 Confidently communicate your intentions up front

As soon as the energy becomes sexual, tell your partner that you’d like to enjoy mutual masturbation with them, and that’s it – at least, for the time being. This will help prevent the frustration of built-up expectations. I usually say something along the lines of:

“There’s this way of getting to know each other that I’d love to try with you. Can I tell you what I’d like?”

In my experience, most people are thrilled by this proposal. If your partner seems miffed or offended that you want to hold off on oral sex or intercourse, I would see it as a red flag. Why date someone who isn’t supportive and encouraging of your boundaries?

#2 Be specific about what you want (and don’t want)

For instance, I may tell a partner – in a very sexy way –

“It would be so hot if I touched my clit as you caressed my thighs and watched me writhe with pleasure. But I’d prefer if you didn’t use your fingers or tongue on my pussy. Is that OK?”

You can be specific about what you want and don’t want in a totally hot way. (This will come with practice!) Don’t be shy about asking your partner for their suggestions and requests.

#3 Ask for consent

Ask your partner to check in with you before doing something different. And model this behavior yourself by asking:

“I think it would be really hot to [insert sexy idea here]. Would you like that?” before taking action.

This encourages comfortable, open and safe communication and builds trust.

If you’re not into something your partner proposes but want to keep the sexual energy flowing, suggest something you would like instead. Don’t just give a flat-out “I’m not into that…”

Enjoy! 🙂

by Vivian Flaim

Artist Featured: Luis Ricardo Falero| Edited by Eda

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Share Your Thoughts

  • helyanwe

    One important point…HELL NO! This on a first date? You must be kidding.

  • adam

    Great topic !!! I’ve never done this with a woman who I haven’t had sex with already…I think as a guy I would do it in A heartbeat if a woman suggested on a date but I think I would hesitate to suggest it for fear of a woman thinking it might be weird. .. ive never really dated much though because I’ve been in long term relationships but for me this is a very sexy and satisfying way to mix it up with my lady …dont be shy about asking your partner , the 3 women I’ve been with in my life all loved it!!! Matter of fact it’s been awhile , I think that’s going to be on the agenda today!!!!

  • Richards

    Great insights thanx vivan the only problem im having now is that im short of a partner.i engage in a lot of masturbation because im not having sex but im sure to add this and share it with a companion

  • alrutherford

    That was my wife and my first shared intimacy. It was unforgettable and led to much more.

  • salie cader

    Really loved this piece, gave me tons of insight. It opened up my mind to things I would normally not consider. A big interest of mine is the arch of a woman’s feet for masturbation and I now feel confident and believe I am ready to bring it to light. My only little issue is that while a ‘footjob’ is being performed the man is the main focus and I cannot help but feel that it is a one-sided experience. Do you know of anything that could make this an experience we could both fully enjoy simultaneously.

    • Vivian Flaim

      Hi Sally. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. What you will get out of a foot job is a great quad and thigh workout! No, but seriously, I like to think of “one-sided” experiences like hand jobs (or foot jobs) as meditations–I focus on my breath; the rhythm of my movements; the sounds and deep breaths of my partner as he or she enjoys my touch. I see these acts as sacred gifts to someone who deserves to be touched, because I am choosing to touch them with intention. You deserve to be touched, as well, and your partner should (and would be blessed to) reciprocate afterwards, if that is what you are desiring in that moment.

      In the end, there are different kinds of sexual experiences. There are mutual experiences like touching each other simultaneously, and there are “one-sided” experiences that allow one person to fully relax into another’s touch. It’s about what you feel like giving or receiving as a person or as a couple in that moment. And it’s a perspective thing–you can choose to view a hand/foot job as one-sided, or you can choose to see it as a meditative gift.


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