Pamela Madsen is a fearless advocate for women’s health and integrated sexuality. During her 25-year career, Pamela has leveraged her raw honesty and well-informed wit to help strip the stigma from infertility, female desire and pleasure, body image and weight. The willingness to use her personal struggles to have children, discover her innate sexuality and find self-esteem has made Pamela one of the most accessible and relatable figures in the vanguard of women’s wellness.
Men, just like women, worry about getting it on. And in our culture, it’s all about penetrative sex, big hard cocks and staying power. But what if it’s not?
What if we allowed men to feel their bodies in different ways and, as a result, got to experience sex in the full spectrum of intimacy and pleasure?
A hard penis is not everything when it comes to making love.
It’s simply not all there is.
“Beyond Hard” Tips
#1 The myth: A soft cock does not feel desire
This is simply not true.
There are many reasons why a man has a limp penis before or during sexual activity that have nothing to do with his desire for you.
So please do not take it as an indicator that your lover doesn’t want you.
It’s sad that in our society we have been trained to believe that the sign of desire in a man is erection. Dump that myth.
#2 Soft cocks feel pleasure & have orgasms
Many people ignore the soft cock. If he can’t get it up, he can’t have sex or orgasms. Nonsense.
The issue is that we have taught men that they are broken if they cannot get hard. So we shame them, and they withdraw.
Men can experience pleasure, desire and orgasm with a soft penis.
Some of the best masculine lovers I know do not have hard penises. It’s time to offer the soft penis the same appreciation that the hard one receives.
Touch them, love them, and admire soft cocks – just like you would like to be desired, loved and admired. What if we allowed men to really feel the pleasure and intimacy of sharing a soft penis with their lover shamelessly?
During intercourse the penis may soften and – along with that (if it is allowed and not shamed) – a man’s heart may soften too.
He may become more vulnerable with his lover and more open. As a result, the emphasis may shift to a feeling that is perhaps more subtle and intimate.
If allowed, it’s possible for sexual energy to spread throughout the man’s body, and a feeling of connectedness may occur when he stops focusing on penetration and simply floats in feeling and in uniting with his lover’s body.
What if everybody stopped performing sex and moved into feeling sex?
As a sex educator, I spend a lot of time talking about women connecting their hearts to their vaginas.
#4 Sexuality can be experienced from a place of softness
When men are permission-ed to experience sexuality from a place of softness it’s actually possible for them to experience what it’s like to be penetrated by his partner energetically or with his partner’s hands, or body to body. This is known as energetic sex and can be felt in the body of lovers as almost a meditative state of bliss.
The love neurotransmitter oxytocin can begin to flow between partners, and lovers can experience a much deeper heart connection with less thrusting and movement.
Think about bringing the focus to soft movements, breath, eye gazing and body-to-body connection. How much can you feel everywhere?
We can penetrate our lovers in so many ways; we just have to learn how.
We simply don’t teach men how to have penetrative sex without a hard on – and it can be amazing for the receiver to have something different than the usual offerings.
Men with soft cocks can learn how to “take” their partner just like a man with a hard one. And there are opportunities to learn all kinds of ways to be the best lover you have ever been.
Losing your ability to get a hard on or sustain one for a long period of time might actually be a gift to your partner, especially if you both can see it as an opportunity to learn what is available in the spectrum of sexuality and love making.
Just getting hard and screwing can get pretty dull.
Sometimes, an orgasmic opportunity can come from what initially feels like a loss!