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The Inconvenient Truth Behind True Love (Warning: This will be personal)

The inconvenient Truth Behind True Love

About Me

A friend, father and partner on a journey to regain his freedom. A freedom of the mind. A freedom only I can give myself. Would love to hear your opinion on my article.

Today I would like to share with you my view on love and all things that come with it. It’s been a while since my last post where I raised the question if monogamy might be a failed approach to a happy long-term relationship.

A lot has happened since then and I am continuing to see things clearer with every day that passes and every challenge I take.

RETROSPECT

Oliver has been in a relationship with Adina since almost 10 years. These 10 years include one break-up, years of loving long-distance, an abortion, flings, tears, one pregnancy, an awesome son, personal transformation & growth, moving from Berlin to Bali, Indonesia, suffering, joy, excitement, insecurity, forgiving & dedicated inner work. After a bumpy 2013 they are still riding the ever changing wave of love & life together. 2013 has been challenging to their relationship but it has also been one of the most powerful and transforming years for each of them personally and their relationship.

THERE IS NO END, ONLY NEW BEGINNINGS

One thing that Adina and I have changed during this last year is the openness in which we communicate with others and one another. We are very open in terms of our relationship, our views and the challenges we are facing. (..and we faced big shifts & challenges especially during the last year) The more we lifted the veil (“Many people believed us to have the perfect relationship”) and let people take part in what’s really going on, the more we got confronted with things like:

  • “Do you really still love each other”
  • “I think it’s time to move on”
  • “Maybe you should look for a new partner”
  • “If it was meant to be, then it wouldn’t be so hard”

and so on …

At some point it seemed as if Adina and I where the only two people on this planet still believing in our relationship, our journey, our path. And to be honest that’s the only thing that really counts. From 10 different people you will get 12 different opinions on what the right thing to do might be.

That’s why I decided to share my view on why our relationship has not come to an end but is at the brink of a new era. Talk about the love that’s been keeping us together for the last 10 years and the energy that makes Adina my Soul mate wherever our journey might take us.

THE WAY I SEE “TRUE LOVE”

I grew up with a very naive view on love. For a long time I thought that the phase of “Being in Love” was something constant, never ending, always beautiful and peaceful. It would give me this never ending feeling of butterflies in my tummy, if I only found the right person. Pretty fast I realized though, that love seemed to be a little different than I was told to believe.

Love for me was always a feeling, nothing I could put in words. If a woman asked me why I loved her, I was never able to give her the answer she wanted to hear. Why? Because I don’t love a person because of “this” or “that”. I love a person because there is a connection that goes way beyond looks, character or things they do or not do. It is this connection that allows me to see the beauty in everything this person is.

BUT WHAT IF THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE TO LOVE?

What if there is a side that not many would talk about? Something that will challenge you, bring you to your limits & beyond; Something that might even lead you questioning your love to another person (due to what you have learned)? Could this balancing element be growth? Like with Yin and Yang, one can’t be without the other?

If this is to be true are we then all too fast misinterpreting challenges & difficult times as the end of our relationship, our love, instead of embracing it as a chance to grow as a soul, a human being?!

I see it happening over and over, people ending their relationship because it’s getting too “hard” or its not what it used to be (how could it as everything evolves) just to find them in the same spot years or even months later with the next partner.

I’m not saying that relationships shouldn’t end at all, but maybe we shouldn’t end it as fast as we tend to do in today’s “throw-away society”.

True Love

I think this quote puts it great. In my eyes “broken” stands for things like limitations, boundaries, conditioning etc. and “fix” for overcoming these. This is by any means easy but might this determine the true love we are all seeking for? The willingness and commitment to overcome ones limitations, boundaries, conditioning? Can true love ultimately only be found within?

HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE?

If I would have judged my relationship with Adina by the standards that society puts forward for what a relationship should look like then we wouldn’t have made it very far. I would have probably left her for good after a year, since she wasn’t exactly the easiest character to deal with.

Still I knew she was the right one. How did I know it?

#1 Trust my inner voice

From the first day I met Adina I knew I wanted to be with that women no matter how bad she made me feel sometimes. I was always able to trust my inner voice since it’s independent of other people’s opinions and even my own mind can’t alter it. If this feeling goes, then I know it’s time to end or transition a relationship.

#2 Understanding the nature of “problems”

Whenever it came to problems in our relationship it was due to a lack of compassion, honesty, courage, flexibility or understanding never due to the fact that one wanted to hurt the other. We are all products of our environment. Realizing this helps and helped me defy even the greatest storms.

#3 Committed to growth

The longer we are together the more we are committed to growth as the true path and gift of our relationship. We all know our greatest fears, shortcomings or false beliefs. If you don’t see them yet or if you do not want to face them yet, your soul mate will for sure uncover them in a way they can’t be ignored. The relationship can become the greatest tool to accelerated your personal growth.

#4 It is all about you

One of the most important factors are that you are at peace with yourself. Love yourself for who you are without judgment. Or as the  great philosopher Allen Watts puts it:

See what is without judgment.

Don’t try to force things, instead let go and let life unfold.

RELAX: NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL

I am still on my way of becoming more at peace with myself, but I am seeing the things I want to overcome and how to overcome them clearer than ever before in my life and Adina plays a key role in doing so. Just by being who she is she confronts me with fears I’ve been carrying with me my entire life and I now have the chance to overcome these.

Adina gives me energy and encourages me to live up to my full potential. She is the only person I can be with 24/7. The closer Adina and I are getting to our true self the more beautiful, the more free and nurturing our life has become.

THE 3 BIGGEST CHALLENGES TO TRUE LONG LASTING LOVE

  1. Letting go of the past – Not everything in life will go the way we want it, so letting go of things that hurt us is key of being able to move on. And if you want to take it even further see the beauty, potential and chance that each challenges brings along your way.
  2. Being in the now – This moment is all we have since the past is history and the future does not exist. It is all we got. The more we are in the now the more we can appreciate & soak in each moment.
  3. Change subconscious patterns – I am still controlled by patterns that no longer represent & serve the current state of mind I am in. Most of us are ruled by subconscious patterns that are rooted in early child hood. Becoming aware of them and trying to adjust them to the current state of mind is a key element in life and relationships as these patterns influence us in the most subtle way.

How about you? How do you see love? Have you found your soul mate? What are the 3 biggest challenges you are facing?

Would love to hear your story.

Oliver

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Share Your Thoughts

  • jatin bahri

    love =
    being related
    accepting her as a beautiful human
    loving her soul not just her boobs n booty
    staying together at awkward silence kind aff time
    neva letting the dark side of her ponder your emotions
    crying when you happy to have her in your life
    whether 10 years or 15, staying the same, not faking anything
    fighting like bulls, fucking like dogs, singin like cukoo, dancing like freaks, shouting out loud, taking risks
    etc…etc…etc…lol

  • Selema Patton

    I really like my little Sunday secrets and articles. My problem is that I have such a low tolerance for bullshit. Guys have a 3-5 day time frame before they pretty much ruin chances with me by exhibiting some type of flaw or poor characteristics that basically turn me off completely from them. I fear I won’t be happy in the end because no one adds up

    • INTJINFJ

      We come to love not by finding the perfect person—but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

  • Sofi Nunez

    I’m sure what I’m going to say would more than likely have most people scoffing and openly advising, “Y’all (we live in Georgia) are way too young to know anything about it.” We may be, we may not; no one ever said there was an age when you know and this opened my eyes and made me feel even better about what I know. I am 21 and I’ve found my soul mate in my also-21- year old boyfriend. I knew it from the minute I saw him that he was the one to make me want to be a better me. Now, I’ve pretty much always been insightful of myself; I knew my flaws and strengths by high school. But I’ve never had the push to actually fix the flaws. Not all of them, at least. My biggest push was when I found out about my son shortly after graduation, but that push only made me realize my shallow faults, as well as many of my deeper ones. His father and I had a difficult and nasty end shortly before my son’s 2nd birthday. So I was young and single ( mother, that is) and ready to mingle. In my mind, who remotely my age would want to date a single mother? Safe to say the pickin’s weren’t the best. I had tried from “bar dating” to blind dates. I found my love on an online dating site. I knew from the moment I saw his pictures he was someone worth talking to. How did I know? Because his profile had something I hadn’t seen before on others guys’: pictures of his beautiful daughter. I knew he was someone I’d connect with immediately. And we did. We understood one another so well it gave me goosebumps! We talked online which transitioned to texting which turned into talking for hours at a time which nerve-wreckingly ended up in a date. Neither of us having the courage to get out of our cars, we sat with one car in the between us. Finally (after much “no you get out first! no you! fine!), the second I looked in his eyes, I knew it. I was done. I had found “the one”. Both of our lives have taken us to places most people our age don’t go, but we know we have each other to watch out for now. He doesn’t let my defense mechanisms (namely my way to avoid confrontation/disapproval and my fears from traumatic events) get the best of our relationship. He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear when I want it, he tells me what I need to hear when I don’t want it. I’ve to the point where I sit and wonder what am I doing here *with him* and soon as I stand up, I remember. He’s my best friend, my teacher, my reality check, my soul mate (just like I’m all that to him); and despite all my faults and all his flaws, we mesh perfectly.

    Plus, I love his daughter like my own and he my son. To make it all even better, both of them like each other!

  • Michelle

    I loved reading this. My partner and I have been going through a bit of a rough time these last few months…we’re really understanding how different we are sometimes, and it causes some grief. But i know that i do love him dearly, and he loves me too. I’m willing to work on my old patterns of behaviour (namely trying to protect myself from being hurt) to help our relationship grow and become more than it currently is.

  • Annette Murphy

    I have read a lot of these posts, and really enjoy the weaving of lives and experiences! One can’t really appreciate a solid lasting love unless one has experienced a few bumps along the way. It’s proven again and again, that it is our past experiences, rooted on childhood, that trigger us to react to what we experience today. I learned that through a very painful divorce and losing custody of 4 daughters. I was Suzy Homemaker and very involved with my children..they were my life! I had to learn who I was and redefine my life in my early 30’s. Through that time I grew because I chose to heal, and not live in agony and resentment. That would not be good for my daughters, who I wanted to influence as much as I was able to be strong, have soft hearts, to teach them unconditional love, to make healthy choices for themselves, love themselves, so that one day they would make choices that would honour their beautiful souls. It was a very rocky road as my ex didn’t make life easy, even after he got what he wanted. Fast forward through dating on and off over 16 yrs, more often off then on, with one dry spell of 7 years. I met my soul mate, yet we were just friends as it was a professional relationship(he was a client of mine for 4 yrs, married, and for a small portion of that last bit, I was dating someone). He had 4 daughters as well, younger then mine, and with our interest in cooking, hunting, fishing, hiking, not to mention a gaggle of girls to talk about, the massage sessions were always interesting for us both, and went quickly. Sadly,or perhaps, as it was meant to, his marriage came to an end, despite his efforts, and he was single. After dating a few other women,(at that time I was dating someone else as well), I guess he realized that I was worth getting to know better 🙂
    By then, I was not dating again, and pretty much done with men! So, as he started to express interests, I put him through several interviews and expressed what my views were on relationships, what I deserved, and what I wouldn’t settle for. Fortunately. I didn’t scare him off and we married 3 yrs later, with our 2nd anniversary approaching in Sept. True love is so many things: a knowing when you look at each other that you have each other’s backs no matter what; that feeling of peace and comfort when in each other’s presence that you can get through anything together; no matter what happens, the one constant thing is the abiding deep love you share; realizing that when a trigger happens, it’s old stuff that has surfaced from the past that has NOTHING to do with your partner- that they are safe enough to be with for your old wounds to surface and work through, and they will not judge or walk away;( also, that we take ownership for how we feel and do not blame our mate); to be able to share our deepest wounds and heal them creates a deep intimacy that is required for a deep unconditional love; to gaze into our Beloved’s eyes into their soul and see a God reflected back is what makes it all worth it! My husband and I are in our 50’s, and we are more in love then ever. Our kids tell as we act like teenagers when we are around each other, and we are happy that we can give them an example of what a good relationship is now. None of them had it when we were married the first time. We had to go through some rough stuff to get there, and it’s all worth it.

  • HeatherKirsten Aubuchont

    I met Kirill almost two years ago now. we had met at my job school. We are both US Marines. i personally didn’t believe in love or true love or soul mates. the thing is, i’m manic depressive and i’m bipolar. so i literally sink so far into myself that i form a dark hole and a well around me, and my aura turns black and no one can stand me. i’d always been quiet and shy. so when my friend invited me out, i agreed because there was simply no one else and because i knew she was worried. i met Kirill and instinctively felt a draw. Like, “who is this guy? why does he look at me like that?” i felt a need to talk to him. to be around him. he was like a bright beacon, and though kinda shy, he was sweet and sincere and fun-loving. i knew i could trust him too. its weird because i can’t stand people touching me. at all anywhere. and when he touched me, even intimately and in places that drive me crazy, it didn’t feel terrible or frightening. we simply meshed perfectly. he drew out my pain and sorrow and talked me out of suicide. he filled my life with light and happiness and made me feel young and beautiful and vibrant. he was the only one i trusted enough to be with. and yes, he was my first sexual partner. we broke up a while back over distance and still he never left when i needed him. he told me to move on. and i tried. one failed relationship with a now ex (he cheated), and i told myself i couldn’t fathom love again. and again, Kirill was there. he started slow with me, knowing my brokenness, and brought me out of myself again, soothing me and comforting me. he made me feel like a goddess and perfect, even broken and battered. i fell for him all over again, and in November, we are getting married. he is my soul-mate, and i see it every day in his eyes, and i hear it in his voice. this is a man i would die for. as he would die for me. he is my light and my fire and i am his calm. i could never love anyone more.
    the three hardest things we face is of course my depression, the marine corps itself and distance. he is in twenty nine palms and i am Lejeune, so the time difference, the not seeing each other daily, its hard. plus thirteen hour days without my phone makes it worse. and my loneliness is hard, but i’m fighting my depression with everything i have, and he always steps up to make sure i know i’m loved. he is amazing to me. i don’t know what he sees in me, but i’m glad. and very very lucky.

  • Diane

    Read this at the right time. We met 22 years ago and were friends initially, but I knew from the moment I saw him he was ‘the one’ I considered him a close friend and someone who I could call on no matter what or when or that we hadn’t spoken for a year or so. Between us there have been marriages, divorces failed relationships and 3 children by the time we were finally single at the same time almost 9 years ago. It was now or never so i made my move. Initially it was total bliss and everything I had hoped it would be. Then life set in my two young children, he dealing with not being with his daughter, my reoccurring depression, my resentment at us not being married have taken its toll. Recently I’ve come to a cross roads and the first 4 points have been constantly on my mind. I switch within minutes to thinking it’s time to calling it a day to knowing this is the man I love with my whole being and who I will fight tooth and nail for, realising that our struggles can only make us stronger. Today I voiced for the first time to my two closest girlfriends I think we’ve come to the end of the line, but reading this reminded me that we still have something that is worth fighting for. i’m not easy, neither is he so we continue to grow, annoying and loving each other along the way.

  • Rachel Wilson

    Insightful and incredibly refreshing from the male perspective.

    • featurex

      Hey Rachel, thank you for stopping by … what’s your view on “true love”?

      • Rachel Wilson

        Simply put? It is ‘seeing’ one another. True love just is – in the most inexplicable way between two souls that recognize one another instantly although unalike existing seemingly worlds apart. It isn’t effortless to maintain as easy as it is connecting in the beginning. Work is involved to grow it. Morphing syncing transforming even…but the journey! The joy in watching each other become a most spectacular organism of oneness…

  • Persephone Hallows

    I feel very fortunate that I didn’t really have such a lot of trials regarding my soul mate. I met a boy in church ( a joke in itself, neither he nor I are Christians!) when I was 12. We immediately became best buds. We always had a great time together, and could be our weird selves together. He fell in love, and I put him in the friend zone for 13 years, during which time I went through my personal hell, a lot of it lost in a drug-induced blur. Finally, after a marriage, divorce, losing custody of my daughter, I went to his house to hide out from the world, and realized that I wanted more than hot sex, I wanted a friend. I tried all my usual tricks to entice him, but I’d taught him well growing up, and he didn’t seem to notice (he did, but he got good at hiding it). I’d finally given up, accepted that he didn’t want me, and was going to leave the country. The night before I did, I woke up to him kissing me, and every day since I’ve been aware and grateful for the wonderful man, friend, and lover I am blessed to spend my life with. I never take him for granted, because I had to go through hell to realize a good relationship. We’ve been married 10 years in September, have a very active 7 year old son, and are living a good life. The only two things I’d change are the state we live in (Texas is waay to darn hot!) and perhaps having enough money for a vacation every year or two.

    • featurex

      Hey Persephone, thank you so much for sharing your story … what a beautiful journey! It’s such a wonderful gift to find your “soul mate”. I know so many people longing for the exact same thing, but struggling with finding it.

      The good thing about the 2 things you would like to change is you hold the power in your hands to change them. Take life in your own hands. Work on leaving Texas behind and making the money you want. Adina & I did the same. What would be your dream in that regard?

      • Persephone Hallows

        I plan on moving to coastal Washington after I graduate with an associates in Administrative Services. I hope to get a job at a clinic, helping people understand the ins and outs of their care. On my time off, I’m hitting the beach, building a fire, and hanging out with my husband <3

  • Clover

    How about you? How do you see love? Have you found your soul mate? What are the 3 biggest challenges you are facing?
    I see love as the one true “God” being that I worship love, I strive for it, I aim to make every day I live about love and feel a loving connection between myself and all things, I also know its ever changing, for a long time I misunderstood love and relationships, being a child from a broken family and seeing how emotionally destroyed my mother was after her intense break up with my father, never to be with anyone since that happened (I was 7, I am now 23, and she still has not been brave enough to meet anyone new) I also demonised men because of this, and had a very very weird view of sex due to personal experiences I thought people where just given it, that it was a mans right to have my body, when that dilution lifted I was left with years of pain and a lot to work through on a personal level, I dated many people and slept with many people only to learn that despite my want to be disconnected from my heart and to not have any connection with my body I DID have a connection to my body, and my heart did count.

    And right when I decided to be single and sort my life out thats when I met him, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life, he’s my soul mate, and he is nothing as I pictured the man I would be in love with, but I know its right, the electricity when we are together is unexplainable, the support we offer each other is amazing, he’s patient with me, knowing that I have a lot to work through, and we listen to each other we feel for each other and we are connected in ways I never thought possible.

    Our 3 biggest challenges right now are
    1- We are in a long distance relationship, the main challenge here is that we have been in one since about 8 days after we met, we have had two weeks together since then and have been doing this for about 5 months, we talk on Skype for hours and hours, we still don’t know how we will be living together and I have a lot to let go of before I am ready for him to be here with me, as he has a lot to prepare for in leaving his home to be with me, its scary and neither of us have done something this big before.

    2- My own hang ups and past pains, I am currently working through heavy emotional trauma, and moved to a big city so that I could set up our lives here and when he moved here it would be wonderful for him, so far its been so hard living in a new city and not knowing anyone, trying to find work and finding it hard on top of emotional past pains, they tend to come out when I have a mini break down and he doesn’t yet know how to hear about my past pains without getting really emotional and blocking me from talking, its baby steps, I can see what I need to heal on my own and what I can share with him, and he is learning to listen without taking it on as his, but its big, its hard and we are both working out how to get around this elephant in the room.

    3- I can’t think of a third one, hahaha I’m sure there is more for us to work on, but I mostly can see what I need to change in myself so I deserve his love, I feel right now that he deserves me at my best and my most clear state, I fear not being good enough for him at times, I guess this is number 3 really- not seeing any value in myself in this relationship, seeing him as someone who is soo amazing and beautiful in so many ways and hoping I can get up to a standard I am happy with so that he is getting the best of me more often than the worst of me.

    excellent article btw 🙂 I really enjoyed reading it, it gave me a lot to think about

    • featurex

      Hey Clover, thank you for sharing part of your story.

      When I met Adina for the first time, I just moved to another City so for 1 1/2 years we had a long distance relationship. Back then I didn’t really like it but today it was the best thing that could have happened to us. It gave us time to acclimate, since we where sooooo different.

      I am pretty sure that he stepped into your life to help you with some of your challenges just like you will be helping him with some of his. So you ABSOLUTELY DESERVE HIS LOVE! We all have skeletons in our closet so don’t worry.

      Oliver

  • Alibi

    Great job! I have been on the same journey. I few years ago my wife and I had a miscarriage. It was devastating as we had to deliver the baby still born. Emotionally I wasnt able to process it and as a result fell in to some very destructive behavior. On the positive side it allowed me to discover I had been an addict for most of my life. On the negative side I plunged in to a very deep depression and blamed my now wife for all of my problems. Many people would have gave up and left the relationship, many times I wanted to myself. But on some level I knew with her was where I needed to be. It went far beyond want and feeling. I battled with everything u mentioned, thoughts that it shouldnt be this hard, focusing on my feelings of love and that they didnt seem to be there. What I learned was that I had to let go of my Hollywood view of love and many other things I thought love was. I was obsessed with wanting to mlbe in the in love stage and it made me more depressed. Through a lot of work and commitment we moved beyond this. Eventually having a child and getting married. I still struggle with my issues but I am well beyond where I was 5 years ago and I and my relationship are much healthier for it. Ultimately what I know is that finding someone else is not the answer. I would still bring me to that relationship and I would still have to learn the same lessons I tried to avoid. For me love is largely having someone committed to working through those things with you and some how finding and appreciating the beauty in that. Thanks for sharing your story. I think its one many can relate to, I know I can.

  • Doug Pollard

    A wise person once told me that love is not a feeling, but an activity. How do you know that you love someone? Not by the way they make you feel – what she called ‘cake love’, meaning something lovely and sweet but hardly a balanced diet – but by what you are willing to do for them. Do you find yourself considering their needs and wishes, and if they are in conflict with yours, will you still do your best to help them fulfil them, as best you can? Will they do the same for you? Then you have love.

  • Davo

    This is a really interesting site that I’ve only just started reading. So far the blogs I’ve read here hold great promise.
    I’ve been with my wife just on 14 years and is been an interesting challenging journey with two children 9 and 7.
    I think the most important thing a relationship can teach you is commitment. It’s no use being miserable, but then at the same time if you throw in the towel you’re only going to face the same lessons you’ve yet to learn somewhere else.
    Life and its challenges is really about sorting your own stuff out. If you’re so very fortunate to have someone prepared to share that journey, you never can appreciate that too much.
    When it feels to you like there’s something wrong you can be damn sure the feeling is mutual. It’s not a constant bed of roses, but if you can muster the courage and strength to be your authentic self, sort your own head out and find enough intimate and honest moments, it will work out.
    Looking forward to more thought provoking reading here.

    • featurex

      Hey Davo, totally feel your comment. I see myself and our relationship in it. So I guess we have chosen a similar path. Struggling a little at the moment to find the time write another article, but it will come, I guarantee. In the meantime feel free to share a little more of your story if you want. Oliver

  • Sara Clark

    I couldn’t agree with you more. I felt like you were describing my relationship with my husband. I never thought I would ever hear of another couple in a relationship like mine. I am so grateful to know there are others in this kind of relationship out there. Blessings to both of you!

    • featurex

      I know how good it can feel to discover that you are not alone. I am sure there are many more people like us out that, only problem is nobody talks about it. So all I can say is share you story … you might discover that people you have known (or thought to) are going through the same things as you are. All the best, Oliver

  • Recently I fell in love with my partner. There are moments when we are thinking the same and get surprised when we expess it. We both come from musical background and we have taken this path of peace of heart and mind via the love itself. She is sure going to love this article. Thank you very much for publishing such inspiring words. Greetings from Nepal.

    • featurex

      Hello to Nepal from Bali, thank you so much for the warm words and for taking the time to read my thoughts.

  • featurex

    Hey Arbo, I think I can very well understand where you are at, even-though every situation is totally different. Sometimes its good to see that one is not alone in such a situation. Society always tries to paint this perfect picture which, all to often, is just a facade. Thank you for giving us insight into your world.

    Adina and I have created a space that gives support and inspiration or simple gives you a platform to share your story. If you would like to join please contact me via facebook https://www.facebook.com/oliver.rivers.94

    All the best, Oliver

  • Arbo Doughty

    Hey Oliver. Great article. My partner and I have traveled a somewhat similar path. I don’t know where it will go now…having a child together makes it what I believe stronger, more determined to dig a little deeper, and thrive in the journey. We all too often give up when it gets tough, really tough…. and it is for us right now… flirty with financial disaster, living through a flood in Colorado, moving, job losses, and just the everyday challenges of being a parent. At times, as I’m sure you know, there’s not much left at the end of the day to communicate, really communicate. I feel her loss of intimacy and mine, I feel her lack of trust in me, and yet all I can do is just love her and dig deeper to the best of my abilities. Too many of us would turn away to drugs, or alcohol…or an affair…albeit mine was emotional and not physical or sexual in anyway…..but I was yearning deeply to reach her in the midst of it all… life is a roller coaster indeed, and we’ve all been sold this idea of romantic love being this linear progression that stems from those first magical hours, days, and even years together…and somehow clinging to that “feeling” as if it were meant to be permanent… or as we’re told, should be a never-ending feeling. Love isn’t a feeling… it is an action. A commitment to communication, intimacy, and to ride the wave that inevitably results when you bring two people together in close quarters trying to live their lives together and separately… Rilke had it right, and so did Rumi… we are one, and yet guardians of each other’s solitude… the journey is that even after years and years together, the mystery should still remain… it’s a ruse to think that we can ever completely know anyone… let alone ourselves. Nice work! Inspiring!

  • bluetrainsessions .

    This is the BEST article I’ve ever read. Thank You for sharing your journey its beyond beautiful. It seems as if in this society we are programmed to be judgmental and harsh. People wonder why they go in circles trying to find love all the while ending up confused and alone. Everyone wants to be in “love” but they forget love is like an rare fragile flower; you must water it, tend to it regularly, prune the brittle dying leaves, fertilize it and let light shine on it for it to blossom to unimaginable depths. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

    This is EXACTLY what I needed to find to share with my partner. I came across this page for a reason. I really needed this.

    Thank You so much Oliver.

    • featurex

      Hey there, I am so happy that the article found you in the right moment. Life always finds a way to point you in the right direction and will never let you down. Hope your partner can see the beauty in this too. All the best, Oliver

  • Bailey

    An interesting perspective: that your partner can be a sort of therapist for you (but only if you let them). What truly confounds me is the ability to release pieces of yourself you never thought possible when around a partner. They can unleash the worst and best pieces of you. I wonder, if in my partnership I really have the best energy brought out of me with the aid of my partner. I’ve seen lows which I’ve never faced even while alone, i.e. physical violence towards a person I care about (even if it is minimal). I agree that in many situations which have escalated, where often times couples are on the verge of just ending it, it isn’t because that’s what they really want, it’s due to a lack of communication, flexibility, compassion, listening, etc, and none of us ever want to lose face. It’s difficult to give into a moment and calm oneself down. I would be interested in hearing what you have to say about multi-partner/polyamorous relationships? I have been thinking about open relationships lately, not that I want one fully, but just as a concept.

    • featurex

      Hey Bailey, thank you for sharing your thoughts on the article. You can call it “therapist” or a “tool” that will allow you to face things you would normally avoid. Relationships (good or bad ones) are an essential key to growth the question is what you do with it when confronted with it.

      In terms of a more open relationship I recently wrote an article: http://mytinysecrets.com/monogamy-a-failed-approach-to-a-happy-long-term-relationship/. It is something we are thinking and talking about and from a logical perspective there is nothing against it – I would even say it makes way more sense than what is concidered normal today.

      Let me know your thoughts on the article,
      Oliver

  • Christopher Vijay

    wow… but what is this teary susbtance coming out of my eyes??

    • featurex

      Tears of joy I guess 🙂

  • The Lovemoores

    Good Post! Stay Vulnerable….

    • featurex

      Thank you for reading, glad you enjoyed it. Oliver

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  • Sshillisa Williams

    This is Amazing! I can really relate. Its hard to be understood when you are young and in love. Shucks, its hard to understand when you are young and in love. But Un-explainable feelings, ridiculous emotions, and trying times just make two soul mates stronger. What also makes my relationship stronger is reading my bible for wisdom and really understanding the nature of our issues as you mentioned in the article. This was a huge area that I needed to grow in because of the life I lived when I was younger. Subconscious patterns can be hard to break but once they are realized and worked on, it can be done. Kudos.

    • featurex

      Hey Shillisa, a book I can absolutely recommend is this regards is “Conversations with God” … was always there for me when I needed help.

  • Matthew Austin

    Awesome view Oliver
    Agree 100% on the 3 challenges for any relationship
    We accept that we change, but often forget that others do too. That thinking creates in my opinion 80% of the crap in life.

    Being in the present , but with blinkers of the past

    • featurex

      Hey Matthew, thank you for stopping by and reading my article. I guess life would be pretty boring without the constant changes and the challenges that come along with them.

      Would be keen to know what your “Love” life looks like at the moment? Any challenges you are facing?

      Oliver

  • Reena

    I liked your article. Do you think there are a lot of guys out there who believe in facing fears and growing? I tend to attract cowardly guys who give up too easily. I mean I have my fears too but I feel I am a warrior with them but meet guys who are not or who don’t want to take that journey with me for whatever reason. I am a bit fed up with it but would love to meet guys who have attitudes like yours. I am and have always worked on myself but I am trying to better understand the gentleness and sensitivities of men…

    • featurex

      Hey Reena, I guess there are more out there than you think – the only problem is that many don’t know it yet (and might never). Society isn’t really nourishing this way of seeing things, so its up to the individual to “wake up”.

      I wasn’t always like this and I am not sure where my path will lead me in the future. There where times where I would have preferred running away instead of facing it. To get where I am today was a journey that started many years ago and came along with many ups and downs.

      I can’t really say what the best way is of finding the person you are looking for, but maybe you can try to see the lesson in why your always meeting these guys that tend to run away. Might be that what you think you need is not what you need?

      All the best, Oliver

      • Maya

        Hello Oliver. It’s good to read articles about staying together…it seems to me like we are a bit of an extinct breed…the stayer…and true to the quote of the two old people…these days it seems like there are too many options too many fish in the sea, and too many temptations to lure you away from what’s important. My husband and I have been together for 17 years now and I didn’t think I’ll last the first 6 months. We have a gorgeous 16 yo…(yes you guessed it, we got pregnant after 3 months!!!) so to me this is a proof that if we can do it, and we have the most dramatic, vocal and reactive nature…that it all depends on what you want in your life. My ultimate goal has always been to be best friends with my partner…and that takes commitment and hard work. I always thought about my husband- if I can be your best friend when we are 60 and love you then, I’ll go through the hell of working on it…because really, sometime it’s pure hell…If you look at arranged marriages (Jewish ones, not child bride!!!) you see a couple who do not know each other. They have to get to know each other and grow their love…not ‘imagine’ they find love and when they get to know each other,they leave because their idea of love did not live up to it’s expectations.
        With our relationship we have grown each step and each ‘hell’ bridge we crossed and that is the beauty of long term relationship, you actually see the progress as you grow. and guess what…if both parties do their work for it to work…love grows not shrink. Sure there are couples out there that live in misery with their partner fearing to leave. That’s not life that’s a life sentence, I resonated with what you said about being open about your relationship. People do think we have this ideal marriage, I correct them all…it’s really hard a lot of the time, but there’s no point exiting…my lessons will all fall apart if I get off at the next station. We are a duo and when we perform, we usually air our grievances and difference on stage…(stage therapy?) I find that because we use humour to discuss our differences in front of crowd they find it hilarious and enjoy our performances much more, and it keeps it real.
        I had a wise girlfriend ((29 years in marriage) telling me on our wedding day: look at your relationship as a palace…the first 10 years you are only building the foundations to your palace…work work and more work to make it stand for eternity.

        • featurex

          Hey Maya, thank you so much for sharing parts of your story. Happens much to seldom these days thats why this “image” of what a relationship is persists. So many people are striving for something that “doesn’t” exist: the perfect relationship. Where everything is good; always.

          I love to be a “stayer”, even though its fucking challenging … as long as it goes along with growth. I wouldn’t stay with somebody for the sake of not being alone.

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