The Inconvenient Truth Behind True Love (Warning: This will be personal)
About Me
A friend, father and partner on a journey to regain his freedom. A freedom of the mind. A freedom only I can give myself. Would love to hear your opinion on my article.Today I would like to share with you my view on love and all things that come with it. It’s been a while since my last post where I raised the question if monogamy might be a failed approach to a happy long-term relationship.
A lot has happened since then and I am continuing to see things clearer with every day that passes and every challenge I take.
RETROSPECT
Oliver has been in a relationship with Adina since almost 10 years. These 10 years include one break-up, years of loving long-distance, an abortion, flings, tears, one pregnancy, an awesome son, personal transformation & growth, moving from Berlin to Bali, Indonesia, suffering, joy, excitement, insecurity, forgiving & dedicated inner work. After a bumpy 2013 they are still riding the ever changing wave of love & life together. 2013 has been challenging to their relationship but it has also been one of the most powerful and transforming years for each of them personally and their relationship.
THERE IS NO END, ONLY NEW BEGINNINGS
One thing that Adina and I have changed during this last year is the openness in which we communicate with others and one another. We are very open in terms of our relationship, our views and the challenges we are facing. (..and we faced big shifts & challenges especially during the last year) The more we lifted the veil (“Many people believed us to have the perfect relationship”) and let people take part in what’s really going on, the more we got confronted with things like:
- “Do you really still love each other”
- “I think it’s time to move on”
- “Maybe you should look for a new partner”
- “If it was meant to be, then it wouldn’t be so hard”
and so on …
At some point it seemed as if Adina and I where the only two people on this planet still believing in our relationship, our journey, our path. And to be honest that’s the only thing that really counts. From 10 different people you will get 12 different opinions on what the right thing to do might be.
That’s why I decided to share my view on why our relationship has not come to an end but is at the brink of a new era. Talk about the love that’s been keeping us together for the last 10 years and the energy that makes Adina my Soul mate wherever our journey might take us.
THE WAY I SEE “TRUE LOVE”
I grew up with a very naive view on love. For a long time I thought that the phase of “Being in Love” was something constant, never ending, always beautiful and peaceful. It would give me this never ending feeling of butterflies in my tummy, if I only found the right person. Pretty fast I realized though, that love seemed to be a little different than I was told to believe.
Love for me was always a feeling, nothing I could put in words. If a woman asked me why I loved her, I was never able to give her the answer she wanted to hear. Why? Because I don’t love a person because of “this” or “that”. I love a person because there is a connection that goes way beyond looks, character or things they do or not do. It is this connection that allows me to see the beauty in everything this person is.
BUT WHAT IF THERE IS ANOTHER SIDE TO LOVE?
What if there is a side that not many would talk about? Something that will challenge you, bring you to your limits & beyond; Something that might even lead you questioning your love to another person (due to what you have learned)? Could this balancing element be growth? Like with Yin and Yang, one can’t be without the other?
If this is to be true are we then all too fast misinterpreting challenges & difficult times as the end of our relationship, our love, instead of embracing it as a chance to grow as a soul, a human being?!
I see it happening over and over, people ending their relationship because it’s getting too “hard” or its not what it used to be (how could it as everything evolves) just to find them in the same spot years or even months later with the next partner.
I’m not saying that relationships shouldn’t end at all, but maybe we shouldn’t end it as fast as we tend to do in today’s “throw-away society”.
I think this quote puts it great. In my eyes “broken” stands for things like limitations, boundaries, conditioning etc. and “fix” for overcoming these. This is by any means easy but might this determine the true love we are all seeking for? The willingness and commitment to overcome ones limitations, boundaries, conditioning? Can true love ultimately only be found within?
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR SOUL MATE?
If I would have judged my relationship with Adina by the standards that society puts forward for what a relationship should look like then we wouldn’t have made it very far. I would have probably left her for good after a year, since she wasn’t exactly the easiest character to deal with.
Still I knew she was the right one. How did I know it?
#1 Trust my inner voice
From the first day I met Adina I knew I wanted to be with that women no matter how bad she made me feel sometimes. I was always able to trust my inner voice since it’s independent of other people’s opinions and even my own mind can’t alter it. If this feeling goes, then I know it’s time to end or transition a relationship.
#2 Understanding the nature of “problems”
Whenever it came to problems in our relationship it was due to a lack of compassion, honesty, courage, flexibility or understanding never due to the fact that one wanted to hurt the other. We are all products of our environment. Realizing this helps and helped me defy even the greatest storms.
#3 Committed to growth
The longer we are together the more we are committed to growth as the true path and gift of our relationship. We all know our greatest fears, shortcomings or false beliefs. If you don’t see them yet or if you do not want to face them yet, your soul mate will for sure uncover them in a way they can’t be ignored. The relationship can become the greatest tool to accelerated your personal growth.
#4 It is all about you
One of the most important factors are that you are at peace with yourself. Love yourself for who you are without judgment. Or as the great philosopher Allen Watts puts it:
See what is without judgment.
Don’t try to force things, instead let go and let life unfold.
RELAX: NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL
I am still on my way of becoming more at peace with myself, but I am seeing the things I want to overcome and how to overcome them clearer than ever before in my life and Adina plays a key role in doing so. Just by being who she is she confronts me with fears I’ve been carrying with me my entire life and I now have the chance to overcome these.
Adina gives me energy and encourages me to live up to my full potential. She is the only person I can be with 24/7. The closer Adina and I are getting to our true self the more beautiful, the more free and nurturing our life has become.
THE 3 BIGGEST CHALLENGES TO TRUE LONG LASTING LOVE
- Letting go of the past – Not everything in life will go the way we want it, so letting go of things that hurt us is key of being able to move on. And if you want to take it even further see the beauty, potential and chance that each challenges brings along your way.
- Being in the now – This moment is all we have since the past is history and the future does not exist. It is all we got. The more we are in the now the more we can appreciate & soak in each moment.
- Change subconscious patterns – I am still controlled by patterns that no longer represent & serve the current state of mind I am in. Most of us are ruled by subconscious patterns that are rooted in early child hood. Becoming aware of them and trying to adjust them to the current state of mind is a key element in life and relationships as these patterns influence us in the most subtle way.
How about you? How do you see love? Have you found your soul mate? What are the 3 biggest challenges you are facing?
Would love to hear your story.
Oliver
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love =
being related
accepting her as a beautiful human
loving her soul not just her boobs n booty
staying together at awkward silence kind aff time
neva letting the dark side of her ponder your emotions
crying when you happy to have her in your life
whether 10 years or 15, staying the same, not faking anything
fighting like bulls, fucking like dogs, singin like cukoo, dancing like freaks, shouting out loud, taking risks
etc…etc…etc…lol
I really like my little Sunday secrets and articles. My problem is that I have such a low tolerance for bullshit. Guys have a 3-5 day time frame before they pretty much ruin chances with me by exhibiting some type of flaw or poor characteristics that basically turn me off completely from them. I fear I won’t be happy in the end because no one adds up
We come to love not by finding the perfect person—but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
I’m sure what I’m going to say would more than likely have most people scoffing and openly advising, “Y’all (we live in Georgia) are way too young to know anything about it.” We may be, we may not; no one ever said there was an age when you know and this opened my eyes and made me feel even better about what I know. I am 21 and I’ve found my soul mate in my also-21- year old boyfriend. I knew it from the minute I saw him that he was the one to make me want to be a better me. Now, I’ve pretty much always been insightful of myself; I knew my flaws and strengths by high school. But I’ve never had the push to actually fix the flaws. Not all of them, at least. My biggest push was when I found out about my son shortly after graduation, but that push only made me realize my shallow faults, as well as many of my deeper ones. His father and I had a difficult and nasty end shortly before my son’s 2nd birthday. So I was young and single ( mother, that is) and ready to mingle. In my mind, who remotely my age would want to date a single mother? Safe to say the pickin’s weren’t the best. I had tried from “bar dating” to blind dates. I found my love on an online dating site. I knew from the moment I saw his pictures he was someone worth talking to. How did I know? Because his profile had something I hadn’t seen before on others guys’: pictures of his beautiful daughter. I knew he was someone I’d connect with immediately. And we did. We understood one another so well it gave me goosebumps! We talked online which transitioned to texting which turned into talking for hours at a time which nerve-wreckingly ended up in a date. Neither of us having the courage to get out of our cars, we sat with one car in the between us. Finally (after much “no you get out first! no you! fine!), the second I looked in his eyes, I knew it. I was done. I had found “the one”. Both of our lives have taken us to places most people our age don’t go, but we know we have each other to watch out for now. He doesn’t let my defense mechanisms (namely my way to avoid confrontation/disapproval and my fears from traumatic events) get the best of our relationship. He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear when I want it, he tells me what I need to hear when I don’t want it. I’ve to the point where I sit and wonder what am I doing here *with him* and soon as I stand up, I remember. He’s my best friend, my teacher, my reality check, my soul mate (just like I’m all that to him); and despite all my faults and all his flaws, we mesh perfectly.
Plus, I love his daughter like my own and he my son. To make it all even better, both of them like each other!
I loved reading this. My partner and I have been going through a bit of a rough time these last few months…we’re really understanding how different we are sometimes, and it causes some grief. But i know that i do love him dearly, and he loves me too. I’m willing to work on my old patterns of behaviour (namely trying to protect myself from being hurt) to help our relationship grow and become more than it currently is.
i am happy for you, i am 20 years old and i am jealous about your story girls, i do not know if i will have this kind of story https://bit.do/true-love-does-exist
I have read a lot of these posts, and really enjoy the weaving of lives and experiences! One can’t really appreciate a solid lasting love unless one has experienced a few bumps along the way. It’s proven again and again, that it is our past experiences, rooted on childhood, that trigger us to react to what we experience today. I learned that through a very painful divorce and losing custody of 4 daughters. I was Suzy Homemaker and very involved with my children..they were my life! I had to learn who I was and redefine my life in my early 30’s. Through that time I grew because I chose to heal, and not live in agony and resentment. That would not be good for my daughters, who I wanted to influence as much as I was able to be strong, have soft hearts, to teach them unconditional love, to make healthy choices for themselves, love themselves, so that one day they would make choices that would honour their beautiful souls. It was a very rocky road as my ex didn’t make life easy, even after he got what he wanted. Fast forward through dating on and off over 16 yrs, more often off then on, with one dry spell of 7 years. I met my soul mate, yet we were just friends as it was a professional relationship(he was a client of mine for 4 yrs, married, and for a small portion of that last bit, I was dating someone). He had 4 daughters as well, younger then mine, and with our interest in cooking, hunting, fishing, hiking, not to mention a gaggle of girls to talk about, the massage sessions were always interesting for us both, and went quickly. Sadly,or perhaps, as it was meant to, his marriage came to an end, despite his efforts, and he was single. After dating a few other women,(at that time I was dating someone else as well), I guess he realized that I was worth getting to know better 🙂
By then, I was not dating again, and pretty much done with men! So, as he started to express interests, I put him through several interviews and expressed what my views were on relationships, what I deserved, and what I wouldn’t settle for. Fortunately. I didn’t scare him off and we married 3 yrs later, with our 2nd anniversary approaching in Sept. True love is so many things: a knowing when you look at each other that you have each other’s backs no matter what; that feeling of peace and comfort when in each other’s presence that you can get through anything together; no matter what happens, the one constant thing is the abiding deep love you share; realizing that when a trigger happens, it’s old stuff that has surfaced from the past that has NOTHING to do with your partner- that they are safe enough to be with for your old wounds to surface and work through, and they will not judge or walk away;( also, that we take ownership for how we feel and do not blame our mate); to be able to share our deepest wounds and heal them creates a deep intimacy that is required for a deep unconditional love; to gaze into our Beloved’s eyes into their soul and see a God reflected back is what makes it all worth it! My husband and I are in our 50’s, and we are more in love then ever. Our kids tell as we act like teenagers when we are around each other, and we are happy that we can give them an example of what a good relationship is now. None of them had it when we were married the first time. We had to go through some rough stuff to get there, and it’s all worth it.