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Real Women Want Sex, Not Chocolate. {An Open Letter To All Men}

Francisco De Goya

The Author

About Me

I believe that improving our sexual and intimate relationships is key to a healthy happy life and we can achieve this through exploration and acceptance of our selves. I therefore want to bring to you techniques and ideas on experiencing orgasmic pleasure and exploring the depths of your own sexuality.

My dear men out there,

I want to tell you something. Something that you probably know in your subconscious but may be rejecting it as a reality cos it breaks all the ‘rules’.

Women want sex. And they want a lot of it. They may even want it more than you do!

Their bodies are brewing a small fire deep inside them and that flame is waiting for more fuel. It’s longing for logs on the fire, big thick logs that can burn for hours; ones that grow flames so large that you look-on in awe of the wildness and vigour of its burning light.


They want you to tease them with your touch until they explode in your mouth.

They want you to touch them gently all over their bodies, their neck, shoulders, thighs, calves – every part of our flesh is sensitive and sensual. Touch it.

Give our flesh some attention and our bodies will vibrate with hot, burning sexual desire. You don’t just have to pinch a nipple or rub a clitoris to get us hot, we are already hot inside;

We need you to add to our fire, not to light it.

Imagine a pit of fire that is burning up its contents. If you want it to grow you must add more wood. It may take time; sometimes you add a log and it takes time for it to really catch alight. Other times it fires up and burns everything in haste, but you can never tell just how the fire will burn, that’s part of its magic and allure; it is always changing and moving and you must move with it.

Like the “Eternal Flame” that the Bangles sing of, women are able to orgasm again and again and again…. and again.


There is a myth that men have a more ravenous sex drive than women and that they ‘need’ and ‘want’ sex more than women. Ask a woman in her 30s how much she loves and wants sex and your jaw will drop from their lust for lust.

That’s if she answers, but she’s most likely not going to answer, truthfully anyway.

She may not even know the answer.

This is one reason why you don’t know that we are in love with sex a trillion times more than chocolate.

We don’t always tell you. Why don’t we tell you? Well that’s a big BIG picture reason.

It’s cultural, it’s about expectations and gender and centuries of repression and condemnation for our sexuality.

Just think of the word “slut” for example. You know where I’m going with this one – a man who acts upon his sexual desires is being a ‘man’ and a woman who does the same is being a ‘slut’.

The association of sexual desire with masculinity and not with both genders is very destructive.

It places unrealistic expectations onto men and harsh judgement onto women. And, it’s just plain wrong.


I’ve had a few boyfriends who’s interest in having sex was half that of my own.

Their lust for porn, for women’s bodies and for associating sex with prowess, power and even a sense of aggression was stronger than their ‘need’ for having sex.

When it came to actually having sex they just weren’t as feisty, they didn’t have as much stamina as I, and there were many times where they just wanted to spoon and sleep without sex. I’ve heard of this same dynamic being played out in my friends experiences too.

The thing is I’ve also had boyfriends/lovers who have a seemingly unquenchable thirst for sex and pussy. The variation of men’s sexual desire and appetite is huge; you guys are not all ravenous, hungry humans with an available hard-on, you’re not always up for it.

Some women are much more hungry than you are and some are less, but the point is you can’t distinguish a person’s sexual appetite from their gender. If you can then we have been living a myth, a lie – a big fat 1 minute lie.


Now let’s go back to the start of this article where I mention our (women’s) love of sex.

If we don’t want to have sex with you that doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t want to have sex. There are many reasons why we might not want to have sex with you.

We have a tonne of discretion when it comes to choosing sexual partners – the risk of danger is much greater for us than it is for you.

Of course we always have to factor in the possibility of violence, it is always in the back of our minds when we go home together with a man and there is no one else around. Then there is pregnancy; who you share your DNA with is risky business.

Then there’s that big BIG picture hurdle that I mentioned before – the judgement that is made of our sexual expression has caused a great deal of repression. That judgement is potent, it is embedded in our cultural values and we judge ourselves as well as being judged from the outside.

Once we start to change our perspective on the relationship between sexual desire and gender, our sexual practices and expectations on men and women will change.

We must remember and respect the complexity of our humanness when it comes to sexual desire.

Author: Phoebe Smart (Read biography in author box) / Art: Francisco De Goya


Editor’s Note: If you are a woman and want to raise your libido, check out this ancient secret

And this will work magic too:

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8 years ago

I want to be left alone and fed chocolate from a distance.

Gary Smith
9 years ago

We know women want sex, and its only in light of the twentieth century that contraception has allowed women to express this desire more openly. Perhaps with the problems you mentioned we should return to the temple where it would be safe for women to explore this, and express their femininity without fear, with men who really want to ask them without judgment or shame “What would you like to do?”

Agostinho Paulo
Agostinho Paulo
9 years ago

I remember reading somewhere that in the male world it all boils down to sex, everything but sex itself, sex it’s about power and dominace. And based on my own observations, that couldn’t be far from truth. We, men, are more in love with the ideas and fantasies than sex per se, as general rule.

But in my personal case however, I’ve come to realize. I fit in the “unquenchable sex drive” category. I love women body with its imperfections and odors and impulses. But I can’t have sex with a woman that does not stimulate my mind in a way. I love the natural course of conversation that leads up to sex, my climax begins there. Not necessarily a HOT convo, we can talk about just anything and that gets me going. That alone will determine my sexual performance.

9 years ago

This is not a good article because women love sex more than men.

April Benincosa
April Benincosa
9 years ago

That is so timely that I read this article. I am a hairstylist and my and my multiple clients are all in our 30’s 40’s and all we talk about is sex and our desire for more!! Thank you for this!

Scott R. Bridge
Scott R. Bridge
9 years ago

This article has confirmed what I had strongly suspected for decades now and is very long overdue. Very good and informative article.

9 years ago

The only thing I can say to this which is a definitive counter point is — the sex trade — mostly women selling bodies for men, or men selling bodies for women? Globally. Since beginning of time. Case closed.

Deborah Kay
Deborah Kay
9 years ago

How exactly is that a counter point? It seems you’re trying to imply men want it more because they are the “buyer”. A sex worker will have multiple partners a day, every day; while a john is likely lucky to afford a date once a week if he’s lucky. So if frequency is your only indicator….

Audrey at HeatherStrang.com
Audrey at HeatherStrang.com
9 years ago

There is definitely the cultural repression that I feel a movement has begun to dispel. I love all of your posts! Thank you!


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