The Vulnerability of Penetration
About Me
Jamie Catto is a musician, film maker, writer and activist.Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman.
It stands to reason that in love-making, on the surface at least, it is the woman, ‘the penetrated one’, who holds the vulnerability. After all, having a man push himself into your most sacred and sensitive opening is about the most surrendered and yielding experience one can imagine.
So it’s understandable that while women are in the ‘receiving’ role sexually, and are also usually less physically strong than their male partners, the vulnerability is held by the women.
I’d like to connect with you deeper in this vulnerability and share something I haven’t spoken about before.
It is Extremely Vulnerable For Us Men To Be The ‘Penetrator’ Too.
As much as we work on raising our sensitivities and empathy to women, unless we enjoy our own anal penetration, we don’t know what it’s like to be ‘pushed into’.
Today, the social climate around men’s sexuality includes a lot of past trauma from abusive and violent sex or just insensitive or immature men of previous generations who had no clue what they were doing to their women.
Today’s women bear the scars of past, male-dominated, unfeeling sexual experiences and it has only been very recently that the law and society’s moral compass has even acknowledged a woman’s right so say “No” even in the middle of sex and even if she’s married to the man she’s having sex with.
Unbelievably, still, in most countries there is no law against a man raping his wife. She has no legal right to refuse him and no legal protection if he rapes her.
Even in USA and UK the law has only been passed to protect married women in the last 50 years or so, and across Asia and Africa they think I’m crazy to even bring the subject up.
The Idea That Men Could Be The Vulnerable Ones In Love-making May Sound Puzzling At First.
But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men.
Perhaps it could be likened to German grandchildren of the Nazis who themselves played no part in the abuses of WW2 but in the post war decades couldn’t help being tarred by the same brush and unjustly carrying some of the guilt and rejection.
Men carry the shame of our abusive, sexually incontinent forefathers and we don’t want to bring that trauma into the bedroom any more. It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.
Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman.
I don’t want to abuse you, trigger you into past trauma or in any way mistranslate your wants or needs. I would hate to accidentally touch you in a way that jarred you or misread your passion. So, if you notice my hesitancy or any held-back-ness, please do not translate this as any lack of desire on my part. I may be waiting for a clearer invitation.
Women, Please Invite Us Clearly And Unmistakably To Make Love With You.
Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you.
We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.
Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.
By Jamie Catto (Check out his biography & work)
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Oof, this was a tough read.
“But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men.” I read this as “It’s tough for me to have to realistically deal with YOUR emotional baggage.”
A man is vulnerable during sex, yea, but you’ve polished a turd with poetry: you’re still writing crap in the name of getting laid. Men aren’t “The vulnerable one”. The rhetoric of this post is mislead and a bit toxic.
“Hey woman. I know you’ve had it rough and your hesitation is making it hard for me to get it on with you. Can’t you just forget about that? It’s making it hard for me to ‘give you my gift’…”
What this article doesn’t mention is communication or use the word “trust” once. It’s implied, but as a favor to the male who needs you to understand that he’s “carrying the weight of shame”. Barf. A person isn’t going to forget past, REAL trauma because you ask nicely or poetically. It takes time and sometimes practice. Welcome to reality.
They did some research at some point. (Marissa Harrison and Jennifer Shortall, you can easily find them via google)
They wanted to find out who is the first to say “I love you!” man or woman? Turns out that 2 out of 3 who say the words first are men.. The question at what point do you want to engage sexually was answered with “Later on” by women and “When I’m in love” by men.
Men’s willingness to enter into sexual relationships has often been described as promiscuous. Their willingness to say I love you is supposed to be deceit at worst or at best not understanding what love is. But this research paints another picture. We’re a bunch emotional creatures who fall in love deeply and quickly without the pragmatism and common sense that women portray.
Maybe it’s hard to imagine that a nice and good man would truly fall in love because of a smile… But this happens all the time.
So… If with this extra knowledge we ask the question again “Where lies a man’s vulnerability when he has sex with a woman?”
Then I think we can answer that in many cases he’s invested his heart when she’s only testing the waters. What do we expect to see around us if this is the case? Men who are forever attached to a woman who is not really interested in them. Men who cannot step out of relationships with women who are clearly abusing them. Men who turn into feeble minded idiots when the object of their undying admiration suddenly shows up. And not always in a good way!!!
The only point I’m really trying to make here is that the respected author of the article has failed to see the very obvious fact that for most men sex is a very intense emotional bonding experience.
The stereotype that they’re all a bunch of apes trying to spread our seed around not caring where it lands is comparable to the stereotype that women are only interested in nest building and children.
I humbly suggest we stop looking at genders in that way.
I’ve thought about this, and how about how much I’ve learned about sexuality from having had intense sexual relations with both genders. I’ve penetrated, and the women always came so I guess they liked it — I certainly never did it uninvited. Some of the men were happy and some were not. And I’ve been penetrated when it was a thing to be endured and penetrated when it was glorious. Certainly never when I wanted to say no. I can’t imagine that, the horror of it.
And I’ve thought about it. About how very personal it is to have someone enter you. How very personal it feels when being penetrated, and how impersonal it can be to the penetrator. Rape is often a method of imposing conquest and humiliation — I’m not talking about making love or even marriage, I’m talking about warfare or prison. I’m talking about raping a nation’s women to humiliate the entire nation, or raping a man to take away his masculinity, to reduce him to the subservience of “femalehood.” This is as old as humanity, so let’s talk about it, not pretend it doesn’t happen. In Bosnia, during the 1990s civil war, Muslim women were raped by Serbian soldiers, often under orders, often against the will of the soldiers to do it. To make sure any children were Serbs (as if there were any racial difference between the Christians and the Muslims in that conflict). To render the women “unworthy” of marriage.
There is something about having had a male member inside you that is, in the eyes of much of society (male and female), humiliating, disqualifying. If you put up with that, you are not eligible (this is an instinctual not a logical thought) for equal rights, any rights at all. If you permit someone to impregnate you, you must lack honor. The patriarchy exalts Lucretia, the Roman wife who, on being raped by her husband’s prince, promptly killed herself. As if there was no longer any point in life. She was tremendously admired for this action.
In ancient Greece, when homosexual friendship was prized and hetaerae (prostitutes) were the only women with any sort of public voice or self-rule, taking the “penetrated” role was considered unmanly, and if one had ever done it for money, one could be deprived of citizenship. Men were the penetrators — never the penetrated. To be a bottom was to become legally female, ergo ineligible for citizenship or power. To receive pleasure rather than TAKE pleasure was to be corrupt, pliable, at someone else’s mercy.
In modern times, having oral sex forced upon you is considered equally unmanning — see Deliverance. It took me almost as long to realize what a pleasure it was to be penetrated orally as it took me to enjoy being penetrated anally — several years!
And in all countries, in all eras, at all times, the man who can’t get it up has been humiliated and unmanned, easy to insult. You must be able to penetrated, impose your “personality” upon others, or you are a potential victim, almost female.
I’m delighted to read a heterosexual man’s thoughts on this question.
Once she grabs my cock and starts pulling my pants down I don’t commence to having an anxiety attack over if she really wants it, so silly.
Is it wrong this article turned me on? “….melt into devotional service to your pleasure.” Dang Jamie, yes please. Lol
After 9 years of marrage my husband took advantage of me. It’s hard to explain how this happened and It had been a messed up situation from the day we became married. I just didn’t realize it because my family was of a strict fairh And I ws to be blaimed for any sexual problems because I’m female. It’s nothing petty like not wanting to give oral or anal sex. He never could grasp how vaunerable I felt and much I hated my self for being drunk and not stopping it. For not getting divorced. I tried to leave but when I had the money my vehicle cought on fire.
It completly distroyed everything. And I’ll never feel comfortable with him again. He says sorry but because he dosent understand I feel like he’s only sorry for himself. Sorry that he lost me. He would do it again if he thought he could get away with it.
I know I’m hell to live with but I didn’t deserve that. And now I’m stuck.
I should just let it go and shouldn’t bring it up any more.
This artical bring out the point that I may never beable to be in a sexual relationship that’s deep, loving, clean, and guiltless. If something like that even exists. And that’s depressing.
1: Learn to let go.
2: Focus on rebuilding yourself, not a relationship.
3: In order to be in a meaningful relationship you must believe in your partner, but how can you do that if you don’t even believe in yourself?
4: Lingering on “guilt” for a failed relationship is just a waste of time. Move on and embrace life because you only get one.
5: Love yourself before loving others.
I think talking about vulnerability is really important, especially among men who are sometimes taught that vulnerability means being weak. Sex is vulnerable regardless of who is involved. Empathy and communication can make this process less awkward for men and women. If you’re feeling vulnerable, say so! Everyone has felt vulnerable, and talking about to drives connection–not disconnection (unless you’re talking to an a-hole). I don’t like how this article makes female penetration about vulnerability. As a woman, I find this disempowering. Not only that, but associating vulnerability with female characteristics as opposed to a human experience is like saying to men that they can’t understand it. From experience, men I know who embrace their vulnerability are better partners than those who don’t. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and respected regardless of gender.
Vulnerable? I would call it inhibited.
The ancient raw male power that is not gentle is inhibited by the modern mans mind which, maybe for the first time, is conscious enough to empathize and realize the problems which might exist.