The Vulnerability of Penetration
About Me
Jamie Catto is a musician, film maker, writer and activist.Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman.
It stands to reason that in love-making, on the surface at least, it is the woman, ‘the penetrated one’, who holds the vulnerability. After all, having a man push himself into your most sacred and sensitive opening is about the most surrendered and yielding experience one can imagine.
So it’s understandable that while women are in the ‘receiving’ role sexually, and are also usually less physically strong than their male partners, the vulnerability is held by the women.
I’d like to connect with you deeper in this vulnerability and share something I haven’t spoken about before.
It is Extremely Vulnerable For Us Men To Be The ‘Penetrator’ Too.
As much as we work on raising our sensitivities and empathy to women, unless we enjoy our own anal penetration, we don’t know what it’s like to be ‘pushed into’.
Today, the social climate around men’s sexuality includes a lot of past trauma from abusive and violent sex or just insensitive or immature men of previous generations who had no clue what they were doing to their women.
Today’s women bear the scars of past, male-dominated, unfeeling sexual experiences and it has only been very recently that the law and society’s moral compass has even acknowledged a woman’s right so say “No” even in the middle of sex and even if she’s married to the man she’s having sex with.
Unbelievably, still, in most countries there is no law against a man raping his wife. She has no legal right to refuse him and no legal protection if he rapes her.
Even in USA and UK the law has only been passed to protect married women in the last 50 years or so, and across Asia and Africa they think I’m crazy to even bring the subject up.
The Idea That Men Could Be The Vulnerable Ones In Love-making May Sound Puzzling At First.
But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men.
Perhaps it could be likened to German grandchildren of the Nazis who themselves played no part in the abuses of WW2 but in the post war decades couldn’t help being tarred by the same brush and unjustly carrying some of the guilt and rejection.
Men carry the shame of our abusive, sexually incontinent forefathers and we don’t want to bring that trauma into the bedroom any more. It’s in the way of us having incredible, heart-bursting sex with you.
Today, if you are man with any degree of sensitivity, it is a vulnerable thing to penetrate a woman.
I don’t want to abuse you, trigger you into past trauma or in any way mistranslate your wants or needs. I would hate to accidentally touch you in a way that jarred you or misread your passion. So, if you notice my hesitancy or any held-back-ness, please do not translate this as any lack of desire on my part. I may be waiting for a clearer invitation.
Women, Please Invite Us Clearly And Unmistakably To Make Love With You.
Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you.
We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.
Your vulnerability is my vulnerability. Let’s melt deeper into it together and heal the past traumas with our love-making.
By Jamie Catto (Check out his biography & work)
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Oof, this was a tough read.
“But I want to express that as a man, carrying the burden of women’s often negative expectations and the ever-felt sexual wounds of all mistreated women of the past, creates a very unique and sensitive vulnerability of it’s own – for the men.” I read this as “It’s tough for me to have to realistically deal with YOUR emotional baggage.”
A man is vulnerable during sex, yea, but you’ve polished a turd with poetry: you’re still writing crap in the name of getting laid. Men aren’t “The vulnerable one”. The rhetoric of this post is mislead and a bit toxic.
“Hey woman. I know you’ve had it rough and your hesitation is making it hard for me to get it on with you. Can’t you just forget about that? It’s making it hard for me to ‘give you my gift’…”
What this article doesn’t mention is communication or use the word “trust” once. It’s implied, but as a favor to the male who needs you to understand that he’s “carrying the weight of shame”. Barf. A person isn’t going to forget past, REAL trauma because you ask nicely or poetically. It takes time and sometimes practice. Welcome to reality.
They did some research at some point. (Marissa Harrison and Jennifer Shortall, you can easily find them via google)
They wanted to find out who is the first to say “I love you!” man or woman? Turns out that 2 out of 3 who say the words first are men.. The question at what point do you want to engage sexually was answered with “Later on” by women and “When I’m in love” by men.
Men’s willingness to enter into sexual relationships has often been described as promiscuous. Their willingness to say I love you is supposed to be deceit at worst or at best not understanding what love is. But this research paints another picture. We’re a bunch emotional creatures who fall in love deeply and quickly without the pragmatism and common sense that women portray.
Maybe it’s hard to imagine that a nice and good man would truly fall in love because of a smile… But this happens all the time.
So… If with this extra knowledge we ask the question again “Where lies a man’s vulnerability when he has sex with a woman?”
Then I think we can answer that in many cases he’s invested his heart when she’s only testing the waters. What do we expect to see around us if this is the case? Men who are forever attached to a woman who is not really interested in them. Men who cannot step out of relationships with women who are clearly abusing them. Men who turn into feeble minded idiots when the object of their undying admiration suddenly shows up. And not always in a good way!!!
The only point I’m really trying to make here is that the respected author of the article has failed to see the very obvious fact that for most men sex is a very intense emotional bonding experience.
The stereotype that they’re all a bunch of apes trying to spread our seed around not caring where it lands is comparable to the stereotype that women are only interested in nest building and children.
I humbly suggest we stop looking at genders in that way.
I’ve thought about this, and how about how much I’ve learned about sexuality from having had intense sexual relations with both genders. I’ve penetrated, and the women always came so I guess they liked it — I certainly never did it uninvited. Some of the men were happy and some were not. And I’ve been penetrated when it was a thing to be endured and penetrated when it was glorious. Certainly never when I wanted to say no. I can’t imagine that, the horror of it.
And I’ve thought about it. About how very personal it is to have someone enter you. How very personal it feels when being penetrated, and how impersonal it can be to the penetrator. Rape is often a method of imposing conquest and humiliation — I’m not talking about making love or even marriage, I’m talking about warfare or prison. I’m talking about raping a nation’s women to humiliate the entire nation, or raping a man to take away his masculinity, to reduce him to the subservience of “femalehood.” This is as old as humanity, so let’s talk about it, not pretend it doesn’t happen. In Bosnia, during the 1990s civil war, Muslim women were raped by Serbian soldiers, often under orders, often against the will of the soldiers to do it. To make sure any children were Serbs (as if there were any racial difference between the Christians and the Muslims in that conflict). To render the women “unworthy” of marriage.
There is something about having had a male member inside you that is, in the eyes of much of society (male and female), humiliating, disqualifying. If you put up with that, you are not eligible (this is an instinctual not a logical thought) for equal rights, any rights at all. If you permit someone to impregnate you, you must lack honor. The patriarchy exalts Lucretia, the Roman wife who, on being raped by her husband’s prince, promptly killed herself. As if there was no longer any point in life. She was tremendously admired for this action.
In ancient Greece, when homosexual friendship was prized and hetaerae (prostitutes) were the only women with any sort of public voice or self-rule, taking the “penetrated” role was considered unmanly, and if one had ever done it for money, one could be deprived of citizenship. Men were the penetrators — never the penetrated. To be a bottom was to become legally female, ergo ineligible for citizenship or power. To receive pleasure rather than TAKE pleasure was to be corrupt, pliable, at someone else’s mercy.
In modern times, having oral sex forced upon you is considered equally unmanning — see Deliverance. It took me almost as long to realize what a pleasure it was to be penetrated orally as it took me to enjoy being penetrated anally — several years!
And in all countries, in all eras, at all times, the man who can’t get it up has been humiliated and unmanned, easy to insult. You must be able to penetrated, impose your “personality” upon others, or you are a potential victim, almost female.
I’m delighted to read a heterosexual man’s thoughts on this question.
Once she grabs my cock and starts pulling my pants down I don’t commence to having an anxiety attack over if she really wants it, so silly.
Is it wrong this article turned me on? “….melt into devotional service to your pleasure.” Dang Jamie, yes please. Lol
After 9 years of marrage my husband took advantage of me. It’s hard to explain how this happened and It had been a messed up situation from the day we became married. I just didn’t realize it because my family was of a strict fairh And I ws to be blaimed for any sexual problems because I’m female. It’s nothing petty like not wanting to give oral or anal sex. He never could grasp how vaunerable I felt and much I hated my self for being drunk and not stopping it. For not getting divorced. I tried to leave but when I had the money my vehicle cought on fire.
It completly distroyed everything. And I’ll never feel comfortable with him again. He says sorry but because he dosent understand I feel like he’s only sorry for himself. Sorry that he lost me. He would do it again if he thought he could get away with it.
I know I’m hell to live with but I didn’t deserve that. And now I’m stuck.
I should just let it go and shouldn’t bring it up any more.
This artical bring out the point that I may never beable to be in a sexual relationship that’s deep, loving, clean, and guiltless. If something like that even exists. And that’s depressing.
1: Learn to let go.
2: Focus on rebuilding yourself, not a relationship.
3: In order to be in a meaningful relationship you must believe in your partner, but how can you do that if you don’t even believe in yourself?
4: Lingering on “guilt” for a failed relationship is just a waste of time. Move on and embrace life because you only get one.
5: Love yourself before loving others.
I think talking about vulnerability is really important, especially among men who are sometimes taught that vulnerability means being weak. Sex is vulnerable regardless of who is involved. Empathy and communication can make this process less awkward for men and women. If you’re feeling vulnerable, say so! Everyone has felt vulnerable, and talking about to drives connection–not disconnection (unless you’re talking to an a-hole). I don’t like how this article makes female penetration about vulnerability. As a woman, I find this disempowering. Not only that, but associating vulnerability with female characteristics as opposed to a human experience is like saying to men that they can’t understand it. From experience, men I know who embrace their vulnerability are better partners than those who don’t. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and respected regardless of gender.
Vulnerable? I would call it inhibited.
The ancient raw male power that is not gentle is inhibited by the modern mans mind which, maybe for the first time, is conscious enough to empathize and realize the problems which might exist.
how about you write about it Bob? You feel inspired to x
“Only when we are certain that your invitation is wholehearted and clear can we melt into devotional service to your pleasure. We need to be total, unbridled by doubt, to allow the strength of our male physicality to take you. We want to explode you into light and usher you to the door where you can dissolve into pure sex with the Big Spirit – in the field that is beyond us both, but until we are certain that Your invitation is total, we can’t surrender to giving you our gifts fully.”
That was so beautiful~
thanks, come and share a weekend x
Did a women write this?
no, it was me 🙂
This is the first time that I’ve seen anyone articulate how I have felt since I was a teenage boy.
I suppose that I’ve been paralyzed by my fear of being seen as an insensitive brute. And although communication is key, constantly wondering or asking, “Is this OK?” crushes passion and romance.
“Women, Please Invite Us Clearly And Unmistakably To Make Love With You.” Indeed!
I just stopped having sex with them, makes life a whole lot better not to have to deal with their whiny cunting about the whole thing.
And you sir are the reason women have sexual issues and why this article was written….. Men like you who are not empathetic to the sexual abuses and who are not open to helping this society as a whole, sexually are part of the ongoing problems with both men and women today. The healing needs to start somewhere and you obviously don’t understand the message of this article. You should be ashamed of your masculinity because you who call yourself a man are suposed to be the protectors and to be gentle with your feminine counterparts. If you take the time to understand a woman that you say you love and it could take months if she has been abused then you could make yourself a wonderful partner in life that would be open and devoted to you.
Why am I the reason you have sexual issues? I didn’t abuse you. Women like you are the reason men like me don’t take the time or care anymore, we’re tired of taking all the blame for what some asshole did to you when you were 16! Men are abused too, but we don’t make you bare the brunt of it and then blame you for it when we need an easy target. Wake up, grow up, or move to another universe, please.
PS I took years trying to understand a woman that was abused. I gave everything I could give: patience, caring, understanding, all the love a person could muster and all the financial support I could bear. She destroyed my business, lied to me, lied about me to others to gain false sympathy, used me as an emotional punching bag and as her excuse to not contribute her share of almost anything. When I told her I wanted to part ways she robbed me and put me out of business. I’ve since moved on and started anew, and I guarantee you this, I will not be blaming YOU for it you sorry excuse for a human being!
You have issues, go get help, you need it. Like I said I don’t think you understand the message of this article. I’m not saying men aren’t abused I’m saying the healing needs to start somewhere and if you stay bitter and resentful you are never going to be happy, with or without a woman. It’s sad that a woman who was hurt and abused used you up and hurt you back. She obviously needs help but you can’t go and take your shit out on anyone like the man who wrote this article that speaks against the abuse or woman like me who is disappointed in a potential man for any woman, who also stands up against you’re heartless responses. You need to look within yourself and think about why YOU are so quick to judge me or any other woman. Yeah I get it has to do with your ex but why are you holding onto that? Not every woman who has been abused will lash out at other men for it and for those men and women I feel sorry for because THEY NEED HELP. Some try and some succeed and some just never understand. I hope one day you don’t feel so disgruntled towards women because you deserve happiness.
PS. I like this univers too much, I think I’ll stay 😉
Go fuck yourself, you need it; trying to tell me what I need and what to do sounds all too familiar. I understand more than you possibly could, your cup is already full so there is no teaching you anything, I won’t waste anymore time on a snapperhead.
There actually is love. Just, few people actually know what it is.
He’s not taking his shit out on anyone. He’s just steering clear of women. He didn’t say he wanted to be rough with a woman – he said he’s been robbed blind by someone he put everything into. I hope these wounds heal, with or without female help. Best of luck, Tyler. I believe in love but I think most people are really in it for themselves. I’m very sorry you were used.
He just said women are a waste of time, space and energy… kinda sounds like some massive woman-hating going on there :/
Dude! I have suffered exactly the trauma as you have described above + much more. I understand that you have lost everything, Everything!. So did I. You can & will get past this. As your life improves over time you will need to seek the advice of a female friend of whom you can trust every emotion, without holding back, BUT! Keep It NON-SEXUAL. Remember you want unvarnished responses to your continued growth & development as a MAN. Dare I say, A SISTER FIGURE, if not your true sister.
If in the process you find your true love THAT’S GREAT.
If however you find your best friend for life that will always be honest with you while you look for THE ONE, Damn! that’s maybe even better. Family type support is always welcome & not exclusive to genetic relatives.
I have an exercise that i take part in when-ever i personally start feeling them feelings that you described so well above.
#1. Flirt INNOCENTLY with EVERY Girl, Woman, Lady, of ALL Adult ages. I WANT YOU TO MAKE THEM SMILE, just an honest smile, with your genuine sincere pleasant conversation. If you cannot do that then you have no business even leaving your house or opening your mouth. That goes for ME, YOU & EVERY MAN out there.
EVERY WOMAN DESERVES TO FEEL VIBRANT.
#2. Ask yourself, WHY BE THE DOOR MAT, for the damaged ones out there. It’s not your place to fix them. it’s your place to know where to draw the line. Be a good friend, not a door mat. If you cannot get this right you WILL repeat your previous experiences.
Thanks for the kind words/thoughts David but I am completely done with women. They are a waste of time, money and energy in all forms. The only thing a man can expect out of a relationship with a woman is loss of all these things, what is to gain? There is no such thing as love, it is an imaginary construct. I will now focus all those resources that were formerly tied up in a woman on myself and my own pursuits. Life’s about to become enjoyable for the first time in years.
It is physically impossible to flirt with every girl and woman. If we did that nothing would get accomplished in this world. Be realistic.
Go head man. Tell her to stop her whiny cunting, but in a nice way.
Sorry you had a bad experience after trying to be a good person. Trauma is incredibly complex, and the person who is in need of healing does have to really be the one who drives their own recovery. People can only save themselves. Women and men both experience trauma/abuse, but women do statistically experience it more. Having trauma is like having a chronic illness and it effects your relationship with your self and others. Unfortunately, we live in a society where trauma is rampant and there is no treatment for it (or inappropriate treatment or misdiagnosis). Regardless of gender, it’s hard to find a good partner.
Just because one person really fucked with you doesn’t mean every woman is a terrible person. Women could just as easily adopt this view also. We all have to deal with shitty people in our lives, and we need to grieve it, learn from it, and move onto something better. If you want the world to be a horrible place it will just be a self fulfilling prophecy.
Thank you because you did exactly what I love for men to do: remaining open.