5 Fail-Safe Ways To F%#k Up Your Relationship

TIP 1: Choose really badly from the beginning.

There you are minding your business… life’s going ok… you’re just having a night out with friends… and then this chick/guy rocks up and wants to have sex with you. Well, what can you do? Woo hoo. Why not!

Then after a few weeks you realize that you’ve been seeing a bit of each other… so it seems like we’re ‘in a relationship’. Sure, we don’t have that much in common… but the sex is great… and because I have to move out from my place soon, we have even talked about buying a house together. How cool is that! But hey, I don’t really know if s/he is ‘The One’… but how do you ever know?

#1 Choose really badly from the beginning. Or best of all, don’t really choose at all. Make sure you stay very fuzzy on the differences between what you like in a’ lover’, and what you really require in a ‘long-term partner’. Same thing isn’t it? Whatever you do, never have an in-depth discussion about what you were both looking for in a partner, because that is just going to destroy the magic bubble of love that you are floating in at the moment.

TIP 2: its very important to not have much of a break between lovers.

Things have been going well with the new relationship. Except for a slight hiccup the other day. The ‘ex’ called and said she missed me and wanted to get back together again. Now I think about it, I’m not sure why we broke up – except for the odd, fairly regular blow up, and her kicking me out, she was a pretty awesome chick. So we agreed to meet up and check out what’s happening between us.

Well we met up and all was going well till my ex found out I had a new squeeze. She started screaming and crying in the restaurant and accusing me of cheating on her. HUH?? She was the one who kicked me out. I thought we were broken up?!

So I leave all shattered and confused, and then the new gal calls me on the phone and starts screaming that she saw me with some ‘slut’ in a restaurant.

It only took me 3 nights in the dog house to sort that one out.

The good thing though about an experience like that is, I got relatively clear on who I wanted to be with – the new squeeze. After all, we are moving in together in the next fortnight, or there’ll be no-where to live!

The ex is still texting me, but I don’t want to hurt her by telling her to stop. Maybe if I don’t answer, she will get the message?

#2 Its very important to not have much of a break between lovers. 2 weeks should be the maximum time for grieving the old and bringing in the new. And its especially useful to not ponder or learn much about what happened with the last squeeze… heck, pondering on the past is for losers, right? And there’s no need to talk to the ex about your old relationship together, because its over and they should know that, and that should be that.

TIP 3: Assume you are ‘going steady’

Since that last upset, its been great hanging out with my new lover, but the other day we had another little misunderstanding. It happened because I still have my profile up on a few internet dating sites, and I had been continuing to talk to a few people on there. So, the other night, my squeeze noticed me online and was furious with me. What’s the problem?… I’m not having sex with them… well, maybe in the past…but at least not at the moment.

#3 Assume you are ‘going steady’ from the moment you have sex together. Make sure you never discuss and agree whether you are doing monogamy together. I mean, as soon as you have sex, it means your partner has lost interest in anyone else, right?? Everyone knows that as soon as you have sex together, then you automatically become monogamous??

Tip 4: Pretend that all your childhood and adult baggage is going to disappear as soon as you are in love.

You know the thing I really liked about him in the beginning was how he wrapped his arms around me and said he would keep me safe forever. Mmmmm… I felt so protected and trusting. I never really felt safe in my family, so that was awesome.

However, I have to admit that since those first few weeks, it never felt quite the same again. I still love being held in his arms but he doesn’t help much with the housework or cooking, and his job never seems to pay him any money, so I end up paying for almost everything. But I keep remembering how those first few days felt and hope its going to be that way again soon.

#4 Pretend that all your childhood and adult baggage is going to disappear as soon as you are in love. Stay innocently hopeful or in denial that any of that stuff should have anything to do with your relationship. Therefore, make sure to ignore any warning bells, stay positive and keep hoping everything will be okay. Whatever you do, never consider talking to a Relationship Counsellor or Coach, because that would be really embarrassing at this early stage of the relationship.

TIP 5: Never, ever talk about sex.

Its been 6 months now, and I dunno, but is this what sex is like when you’re married…. same thing almost every time??

He keeps asking me “Was it good for you?”

But what are you supposed to say?… “Mmmm actually most of our lovemaking these days is rubbish, you don’t even know where my clitoris is. And I can’t remember the last time I had an orgasm. I didn’t mind so much in the beginning, but now I’m tired of wiggling around strategically maneuvering my sexy bits hoping you might find the right spots one day.”

But hey I don’t want to hurt him, and sex is never what its all cracked up to be in the media… so as long as we can have some kids sometime, I suppose that’s what you have to put up with, yes?

#5 Never, ever talk about sex. Talking about sex is for sluts only… or psych majors. You’re adults right? Love making should just be natural… everyone knows how to have sex, right?

Despite this, if your partner has the audacity to want to talk about your sex life together, tell them this…

“No-one else has ever complained, so what’s your problem? If those hot chicks on the porn site like it like that, how come you’re so uptight and uncool? ”

Or if you are a bit new-agey… “Sorry your orgasm is your responsibility. If you aren’t having any orgasms during sex with me, could be time to go and think about what you are doing to block yourself from me and the Universe. Maybe some therapy might help? ”

After all, sex is not a team sport, right?

Phew, now that your sex life is solved, there can’t be much more to discuss surely??

But don’t worry, there’s more! – so stay tuned for the next exciting 5 Fail-safe Fuck Up Tips for when our two lovebirds have moved in together.

by Frances Amaroux – The LoveCoach

Photo Credit: Epsos.de (Common Rights)