Healthy & Happy?

Join The Secret Sunday List & Get 1 FREE Actionable Secret Every Sunday.

Want To Become Sexually Healthy & Happy?

Get 1 FREE Actionable Secret Every Sunday.

6 Things An Evolved Man Wants From A Woman


About Me

A former USAF Captain, Bryan Reeves has triumphed through multiple dark nights of the soul after hurling himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationship over and over again. His program, "Love, Sex, Relationship Magic,” has helped thousands of frustrated men and women across the globe finally make sense of love's utter senselessness.

“An evolved man wants a woman who won’t change to be with him, who mostly doesn’t give two sheets what other people think about her, including even him.”

I hear women these days talk about wanting an evolved, conscious man.

I’ve decided that mostly means they want to be with a man who can see a woman’s entire humanity, the profound gifts she has to offer as a feminine woman and a human being, before focusing on her ass.

I won’t claim to actually be an evolved man, anyway, which might disqualify me if I did. I still eat cheeseburgers, so …

Nonetheless, a brilliant mature woman I consider to be evolved recently asked me what an evolved man wants from a woman. So with her inquiry as my sole credential, here goes..

#1 He Wants Her Full Authentic Self


An evolved man wants a woman who won’t change to be with him, who mostly doesn’t give two sheets what other people think about her, including even him.

She isn’t arrogant; she just knows who she is and doesn’t need to prove that she has the right to live however she desires.

Sure, they might have to make difficult choices in the details of their life together (aka “compromise”), but she doesn’t shrink or sell herself out to make him happy. It won’t.

He won’t criticize her for being her authentic self, either.

An evolved man longs to see his woman radiant and genuinely happy. If she isn’t thrilled about her everyday life, he won’t be, either. Not because she’s responsible for his feelings (she’s not), but because the second best gift she could ever give him is her own authentic happiness, which brings me to #2 …

#2 He Wants Her Authentic Happiness


This is not some sinister desire to capture a woman’s joyful heart in an iron box and isolate her in a household castle.

An evolved man just wants his woman so in love with her life that her radiant joy is present in the room more often than not.

Yes there will be tough times. He won’t expect her to always be happy – he doesn’t want some spooky Stepford wife with a fake smile.

He simply wants her aware enough to know that she’s responsible for her own happiness.

He’ll be doing his best to be a good man for her, but he doesn’t want to be burdened with “making her happy.”

He’s busy enough trying to manage his own experience. Understanding this allows both partners to safely bring their real truths to the relationship every day, which is essential to sustaining real intimacy … which is what an evolved man truly wants.

#3 He Wants Her To Love Him With Wild Abandon


Many years ago I witnessed a new bride gaze with such absolute adoration upon her new husband’s face that I felt the Earth jealous even though it had the Sun. An evolved man wants his woman to radiate her love all over him like that. He will do his best to earn that from her, but then again … what has the Earth ever done to earn the Sun?

An evolved man wants his woman to love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.

There’s an important caveat, however, as so many women are great at loving with wild abandon, but in a way that’s often self-defeating.

An evolved man doesn’t want a woman to abandon herself to love him or stay if he consistently acts horribly, failing to honor their agreements (an evolved man can still fall victim to messing up big time; he’s human, after all).

#4 He Wants Her To Communicate Openly And Even Call Out His Bullshit


An evolved man wants a woman who will speak her truth to him, a woman who knows men aren’t equipped to read minds or even not-so-subtle clues.

He also wants her to hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man, and always with love and respect.

He does NOT want her looking for every flaw in an attempt to make him perfect. That’s just annoying.

But he also doesn’t want her to hold back when she sees him acting out of integrity or playing small in his life. An intimate relationship is a powerful vehicle for a person’s evolution, and he knows he’ll always be growing and evolving.

He wants a woman who will support him in that evolution, and who’s also learned the difference between healthy, honest communication and needling criticism.

#5 He Wants Her To Surrender


If I haven’t already, here’s where I might lose “evolved man” credibility with you. I might even make you hate me, for this one’s a real stretch in our current understanding of gender equality. I was surrounded by powerful women growing up – 3 sisters and 2 mothers – so I’m completely for woman-power. This is not about regressing to some 1950s vision of women surrendering their fate to men. No way. It’s far beyond that insanity. Hear me out.

An evolved man doesn’t even try to possess a woman. He doesn’t want her to abandon her dreams or live only for him. He wants her to live fully in her truth.

However, he does want her to relax and trust him primarily to lead their lives together. He will always want and respect her input on matters that affect their lives, and if he’s truly an evolved man he’ll always work to get her wholehearted buy-in on important decisions. But this may surprise you:

An evolved man doesn’t actually want 50/50 decision-making in his intimate relationship. When two people dance together, only one can lead.

Surrender is about trust. An evolved man wants his woman’s trust to lead the relationship, whatever that means.

Of course he needs to be worthy of her trust, but we are talking about an evolved man here. He’s endlessly demonstrating trustworthiness with his woman. Which in large part means he’s demonstrating clear commitment to serving a life purpose beyond his own little tyrant ego’s whims.

#6 He Wants Her To Surrender Sexually, Too


I don’t mean to infuriate traditional feminists, but an evolved man still does want sex. Passionate. Consistent. Anytime. Sex. He wants no games; no withholding; no negotiating. Sex.

He’ll be deeply sensitive to her needs, but not at the expense of castrating himself internally to protect her from his ravenous sexuality. This is often what makes men turn to porn, strip clubs, massage parlors, affairs.

Feeling his woman consistently shut off sexually from him is aggravating beyond description.

If his woman is consistently shut off to him sexually, there’s a disconnect somewhere between them. It might be the way he’s showing up in their relationship; it might be chemical; it might be something else. But he’ll want to explore it. And he’ll want his woman to want to explore it openly with him.


That’s what evolved couples do: communicate deeply, vulnerably, with appreciation for differences, with the ultimate goal of creating pure fucking magic together, every single day.

One last thing on #6:

.. an evolved man won’t make his ejaculation (or hers for that matter) the point of sex. But that’s a whole other article.

In the end, an evolved man doesn’t actually want anything in particular from a woman other than her authentic self.

By Bryan Reeves


Wait!! I think you’ll also like ♥ >> 6 Things {Sexy Consciously Awake} Women Want From Sex

If you want to read more epic articles like this follow MyTinySecrets on FACEBOOK

Join The Secret Sunday List & Get 1 FREE Actionable Secret Every Sunday.

Share Your Thoughts

  • Mary Upshaw Hendricks

    I thoroughly enjoyed this article. I think an evolving woman wants to be her authentic self and works on that. An evolving woman does not require the love of another to be happy, she knows she is responsible for her own happiness. An evolving woman makes love with abandon, seeing her partner’s response makes it a mutual under-taking. An evolving woman speaks openly and draws attention to misunderstandings that show up, but not for the sake of argument. Understanding is the goal. An evolving woman in love will ALLOW herself to be loved. This is “surrender” as you would “surrender to the irresistible urge to sleep”, not “surrender” in the context of war. As in allowing herself to surrender in the emotions of love and affection, “surrender” in lovemaking is letting go, letting the waves take you to places you never dreamed of.
    So, I think the war between the sexes is a harmful lie we have been fed. All of us contain the feminine and the masculine in our make-up. We are souls occupying human form. Get over whether you are a man or a woman, just be a loving and compassionate human. It is its own reward.
    Male and female characteristics compliment each other. Black/White. Hot/Cold. It is a good thing to have a loving and compassionate partner. However, as an evolving woman, I do not believe these relationships are necessarily “forever/till death do us part”, nor are they strictly heterosexual. It is best not to judge others in their affairs of the heart, unless you want to be judged on your choices as well.

  • Kjetil Dreyer

    I could not agree more. But I would also add that I would desire for her to be conscious in regards to her own health living as close to nature as she can, and do not have habits like smoking, misusing her body in any way… A woman like this is very hardt to come by, thats for certain.

  • Amy Ladas

    This is the first article I’ve read in a long time where I sense the levels of honesty, bravery and vulnerability that went into sharing every single word. This is very rare in the world. And the truth is hard to take for most of us, but I can only speak for myself. The more I learn of myself and the more I allow myself to be truly brave and vulnerable in my relationships, the more I agree with every single item mentioned. This is not an easy thing to do as a strong, independent woman; but I do feel even stronger, more alive, more present when my man lives in the ways you’ve written. And as for surrender, there is power in choosing to surrender to a man you truly trust, it becomes a bond that transcends two people… that power comes back to a woman in abundance. Thank you for sharing.

  • The Trust dance is a function of the style; not all dances have one lead. Not all dances have the same lead. 50/50 is obtainable.
    A Dominator/Dominated (cf. Capitalism: winner/loser; on top/on bottom; ride/or die; me/before you always; mother/baby) value approach is not the only human/western path shown across time and geographies. We have cultural continuums of ecstatics as well as rigids.
    Choices (moves) are made.
    When Trust becomes a commodity to feed ego social validation it’s no longer Authentic.
    I am going to have his/their Trust for particular contexts; I am going to be better equipped, resilient and or competent in some contexts, the flip side being me stepping up to bat for other scenarios.
    Am happy to be a Passenger when the Trust is mutual and it’s for us to Shine and ripple bridging vibes of the world.

  • Image credits should be given to painter William-Adolphe Bouguereau

  • Lead Robster Von Goldsmith

    No..sorry…the whole premise of this article is off. An evolved man does not value one person any higher than another..is not seeking a mate with which to procreate…nor to divide his affection or distract him from his purpose…he is whole and complete already…show up…be yourself….know your shadow …embrace it…bring it to balance in the light….kill your television…get into nature…be open…

  • disqus_DenUekNCCa

    I am sorry, but this “evolved man” sounds kinda a bit full of himself….maybe still got some evolving to do…One thing dead on… if a woman is withholding sex mostly is not because she wants to,..maybe she has been putting up too much with her evolved man’s imperfection without ways to resolve it… I said one biggest issue between man and woman is that Man has too big of ego to really work out the relationship… And women have too much emotions and feelings and needs to nurture and cater if she fell in love. She could be as authentic and strong as her happy self without her evolved man being an immature child at the same time think he deserves to be the king of her world.

  • Michelle Rose-Blackford

    Good grief. Sex is driven by sexual desire, which is driven by biology…chemistry, etc. Some men want it all of the time, some don’t…some never want it. The same is true with women. Sexual desire and readiness cannot be summed up by saying men want it all of the time and women should submit. Sigh.

  • DonnaBianca

    Point #6 is just sex as Nature intended it, with the woman submitting and surrendering to the man.
    The male mammal is the stronger, dominant and active partner, and the female is the weaker, submissive and passive partner. And that is beautiful and romantic and sexy.
    Humans have invented all kinds of ‘alternative’ ways of doing sex, and feminists are forever trying to get us to forget Nature and submit to their radical Political Correctness instead. But really: Nature always knows best.

  • 27273100

    The only place where “surrender” will always exist is in a 50/50 partnership — something that is waaaaay too rare these days. For me, it’s partnership or nothing.

  • ELEKTRA Powers

    Didn’t agree with the whole “surrender”, and “submit” references. The author must have just watched too many “50 shades of gray” movies which scored only 2 stars from critics. This is one of those “give 2 truths and sandwich 1 lie” scenarios and I’m sorry to hear that gullible women just ate it up. Never there’s a need for submission in a relationship. In fact if author insists that “in a dance of 2 one must lead”, he should be the one who is the follower!!! The couple should instead be complimentary to each other or let the other lead in those areas in which one is stronger. But because some men are so inherently insecure (like the author) for this very reason they lack the skills of a “real leader” – a unit that is “WE” requires two contributing entities, not one. Not boss – both are employees of We. She can fire him and has a few more executive powers than he. (That’s the truth but many men will have you believe otherwise, because they are insecure arrogant and shauvenistic). A real man understands the power of a woman and doesn’t reduce her role to a supporter – because suddenly he became a “leader” (probably some childhood complex … Freud would explain it better, something to do with his relationship w his mother /sisters… Got bullied a lot ect . Thus was born a need to dominate a partner and call it “leadership” lol). A secure ALPHA MALE doesn’t have such silly requirements – in fact none of my golfing buddies who are CEOs and major league players – have ever had a submissive woman fetish, like this author does. So it’s NOT THE NORM, and it’s most definitely a minority thinking. A powerful man in always EMPOWERING to his woman. A domineering guy who is into subduing a woman is a shameful loser who has too many excuses and blames the whole world for his shortcomings (the whole “orgasm is not a point if sex”, is also questionable. In a normal relationship there are no artificially created orgasm scarcities?!? Many orgasms is a reality; orgasm scarcity is NOT normal under no excuses. Not one ideology in the world can justify it – and what author claims “it’s not a point of sex” is simply an EXCUSE for not being able to satisfy his partner. Again, it’s shameful, and I would t go around writing articles about it. The author is like in Dr Seuss’s book ” A King of nothing” and must finish his education …which doesn’t come from cheap movies, that is.

    • 27273100

      Wowwww! Can I borrow your post…please? Every bit of what you is absolutely, totally on point (truthful).

    • Zendrik Van Der Merwe

      well said. I liked the article and then came to point 5. And yes surrender is great, for both parties, And yes, I love salsa dancing, and it has helped me to take back some of my traditional male qualities of initiative that I have given up via my feminist parents’ upbringing, (even though one of my best dance experiences was with a phenomenal woman dancer who halfway through the song told me she was now going to lead me). But wow, I couldn’t swallow the rest of his argument. Maybe some women want to be lead, and some men want to lead, but this is just male ego talking. Bullshit of Biblical proportions. Equality! Goddesses and Gods at play. Freedom and Love have to co-exist.

    • jberghem

      The woman submitting/surrendering to her man concept is something I believe is misunderstood by most people. The origin of this comes from the Bible (Eph 5:22-33)
      Wives should submit to their husbands like the church submits to Christ. But it doesn’t end there! The husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. This is a self forsaking self sacrificing, unconditional love. It is impossible for a man to do this if she doesn’t surrender to him. But men usually are to egotistic and fail to do this. If a man does love his wife in this way I guarantee that she will have no objection to submitting to him. Because she’s not submitting to be dominated but to be cared for and loved unconditionally.

      It bugs me that the debate is always about the summit part and never about the responsibility of the man to love his wife in the manner I just described. The job of the man is much harder to do and many fail. This is why women refuse to submit. Which is completely understandable to me.

  • Bryan I totally loved this article! Many awakenings from reading it, but have to share this one: My husband has been talking for months (years) about me surrendering to him and obeying him and I always thought / said “OBEY?? F*** THAT!” But I really heard it the way you wrote it, and so I asked him what that actually meant to him, and what unfolded was a revelation that created huge openings and realizations. I feel so sad that for the past 7 years I haven’t understood that part of him, what he saw for us, I didn’t trust or even open to his vision for us as a couple, that we didn’t even discuss that when we came together. I am not sure if we will stay together, but I am so humbled by having the conversations. I so appreciate men’s wisdom and appreciate you for braving the potential misunderstandings and backlash by putting your knowledge out there. Thanks <3 🙂

  • Susanne Floe

    His woman? this is a wrong concept to me.

  • Che

    I have to say the authors concept that women should always be sexually available to men, seems to contradict respecting them, and having a healthy relationship versus friends with benefits. Also, the whole she doesn’t care what anyone thinks including him, doesn’t sound like emotional intelligence / health but apathy or antipathy…it appears a little juvenile..a truly evolved man would appreciate a woman who cares to develop her compassion and empathy towards others, including himself, just not at the cost of her own integrity, with healthy boundaries established. I mean..I like most of it, but these points seemed out of place for someone aspiring to evolve

  • Sarrah West

    The author might want to take a few courses from Alison Armstrong, who has studied men for many years and written books and workshops on relationships and how men and women communicate and has shared what works and what does not. Maybe after learning more about how women “hear” and how men “think” then write another article.

  • Annabelle Drumm

    Your number 3 is one we’re not clearly taught from the beginning, probably because most of our parents weren’t taught either. From what I understand, the man’s love focusses to a single point, the point of creation. A woman’s love is all encompassing. She is everything else. It is possible that all those thousands of years ago, men sought to limit women in various ways because they realised when women are their true authentic selves, radiating this all consuming love, there is nothing that can beat them. They are far more powerful than men. So why not have that power on your side? If you have a woman on your side who radiates this, you can be and do anything!

  • CR444

    Yep. #5 completely lost credibility. I get that women can be dominating and micromanage relationships- but I can’t even understand how anyone could “lead” a life together. Wtf does that even mean? Sounds like the bullshittiest of bullshit to me. Sorry bro. It’s 50/50 or I’ll spend the rest of my life very happily living alone. This is some old school programming that is very comfortable for men and is completely useless. Can you imagine a dance where people took turns leading? Obviously not. How exactly would one person lead while two people have careers, interests, passions, friends? I can’t think of any happy couples that have a subservient wife who is all “herself” and follows along.

    Sorry bro. You might have to check just how that could possibly work.

  • I had a feeling that people would get all worked up over the concept of a woman “surrendering” to a man, but I find it to be quite romantic. As a woman raised by a single mother, I’ve learned to do everything myself. I fix my own plumbing, I drive myself to the airport, I rarely count on a man to do the little things – and the big things. It is so rare to have a relationship with a man where I am no longer required to be the completely independent woman that I have built myself into being. For once, I would like to be able to depend on someone, and have them lead so I don’t have to. After a lifetime of leading, it would be nice to trust someone else enough to take the reigns. That being said, the concept of “surrender” should be somewhat mutual.

    This whole article is written with a cute, romantic tone. I liked it.

  • BEST. ARTICLE. EVER. THAT I HAVE EVER READ ON THIS SUBJECT. THANK YOU. IT IS BRILLIANT. A relationship is 100%, 100%. It is not a combined 100%. That means each gives half. It is two whole humans together, not half. Women who THINK they are evolved yet balk at the idea of surrender, are completely missing the point. I knew if I read the comments, I’d see comments where people don’t understand what the author is saying. You cannot have two that lead. It is a dance, a natural part of the male/female dichotomy. As a woman who was raised by a ‘feminist’ who taught my two sisters and I to handle everything ourselves, I missed very important ‘evolved men’ data growing up. Hands downs, this author is ON target and NAILS it, simply and with humor here. It is fascinating that so many people here are missing the point. I got all of them. I don’t care about the grammar or use of the word hamburger. You see, women in America have been bitchslapping men into complete emasculation and the tone the author uses reflects the fear of criticism EVEN though he actually brings up valid points. If you don’t like it, move on. Why don’t you all research, Alison Armstrong, Matt Boggs, Arielle Ford and a list of knowledgeable speakers on the subject of ‘men and women’ and ‘why we do what we do’ based on history, our instincts and what we are actually naturally inclined to do and how to be. I am sure I will get chewed on for this commentary and how sad is it, that those who read it and miss the valuable nuggets he shares, will miss the point on how to create a better relationship with a partner. This isn’t about who is better or more powerful, it is about what is natural for a man/woman. It is not about dominating. And why don’t y’all ask men who visit strip clubs and have affairs and watch porn why they do it? Why don’t you ask men WHY they do what they do? And women, for example who use sex as a negotiation too, why they do it? Or withhold sex when they’re angry? Or happy or want to make a point? Relationships are a dance, a comraderie, a teamwork between two whole people with various needs and in order to have it be a success, can certainly succeed with the tidbits this author shares here. Kudos!

    • Anne Roussel

      Agree with you 100% Cindy !

  • Janie

    I would love to go into a long dissertation about how terrible this article is but I don´t care enough to do so. The only prudent thing I would like to point out is the wretched grammar used to create this piece of crap. Please, for the love of god, get yourself an editor before you post this garbage. Your ideas are nowhere near the caliber you think, but at the very minimum you could learn how to use proper punctuation.

  • Elwin Ryan Ransom

    I happen to agree. I have an evolved man and he is 20 years my senior (I am 54 and he 74). Such a man never makes you fell less or smaller or submissive. He makes you fell like you and loves you flaws and all just as you are. He also wants to help you grow as you help him. I also want to know who the artist is.

  • Stephanie

    I am incredibly disturbed by this article. It is extremely contradictory, confusing, and hypocritical. It made my blood boil, and brought tears to my eyes while out in public at a cafe. I worry about the future of healthy partnerships if the ideas in this article are accepted by the general population.

    in fact I am so inflamed by this article and so disappointed at its contradictory and impossible expectations of women that I will probably be disconnecting my Association on Facebook with lucidity festival community which is how this article came to me. Right in the very beginning the author discredits himself by questioning whether or not he is an evolved man, and immediately prove that he is not by drawing it completely irrelevant connection between someone who eats hamburgers and a person who is not involved. one of my favorite quotes that continues to prove true is when people tell you who they are the first time, believe them. Well even in the wavering opening statements of this article, the author questioning whether or not he is an evolved man becomes abundantly clear and is glaringly obvious throughout this entire article. First of all there is a lot of pressure and intensity in this article, saying that women need to “be radiant and genuinely happy, Dr authentic Cell, and the cell in love with her life that her radiant joy is present in the room more often than not. Whereas men he says men are busy enough trying to manage his own experience, and doesn’t want to be burdened with making her happy. So basically it sounds like men are totally off the hook and putting forth any kind of effort or energy, but we are women are expected to hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man and love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him, and love him with wild abandon an absolute adoration. he says that an evolved man can still fall victim to messing up big time, but yet we are expected to call them on their bullshit, hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man. I find it especially interesting that the author uses the word victim about a man messing up big time, instead of making a man responsible for taking responsibility for their own actions, they are a victim. It basically give them a pass on being disconnected, checked out, and messing up big time, whereas women need to be in love with our lives, support them no matter what, not be disapproving but hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man, call him on his bullshit, and love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him. This seems to put a lot of pressure on women to live this existence to be perfect and have high ideals and virtues of integrity and strength, but then let them and slide when they fall victim and mess up big time. We are expected to be strong and confident women, but then surrender. the author says that evolves man wants a woman but doesn’t give two sheets what anyone thinks of her, including him but then later talks about how many bald man wants her to surrender and trust him primarily to lead their lives together. It also says that involves man wants his woman to trust to lead the relationship, whatever that means. That leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Whatever that means? Basically gives free license for a man to make any decision and it sticks because the woman trust implicitly the man to completely leave the relationship, even though she is expected to speak her mind, communicate, call him on his bullshit, not give two shits about what anyone thinks of her, including her partner. The contradictions are many and glaring enormous. my next major complaint is the topic of sexuality. inventions Duran evolved man wants passionate. Consistent. Anytime. Sex. And speaks of the ravenous appetite of men. Its hot we are tickled talks about a man wanting to explore it if there is a disconnect somewhere between them. No they dont. Ever! It says he’ll want his woman to want to explore it openly with him. Not true at all! As already pointed out in the note was holding. No negotiating. Sex. That he wants the very beginning description completely contradicts that a man would be open to exploring ads and discussing it at all. I have seen this to be completely true 99% of the time. It mentions that if there is withholding sex in a relationship, that maybe there’s a disconnect somewhere between them and that the way he is showing up or not showing up more often in the relationship might be the factor. A woman want sex to be about you loving, caring, and connection. Whereas the very opening lines communicate that a man wants passionate consistent anytime sucks no withholding no negotiating sex, basically completely illustrates my point that it’s not about connecting, communicating, or deepening the relationship, it is just about carnival animal needs. In that case, as a woman during those times it has made me feel like my partner doesn’t necessarily want me, he just wants sex. And because we are in a monogamous relationship I am the only acceptable outlets for his sexual appetite. Furthermore, and most of my long-term relationships, I have felt that my sexual appetite was much more ravenous than his. This actually seems to be a consistent complaint among my friends, especially in the over 35 category. The author John Gray of men are from Mars Women are from Venus, actually mentioned in one of his books that most of his seminars he has women coming up to him secretly and Shane revealing to him that they often want sex more than their partners. I think this article puts forth the traditional and incorrect viewpoints that men have a bigger appetite for sex. In my opinion this is not an accurate portrayal at allI have so much more I would like to say, but I spent an hour typing this up on my phone and then lost the entire article my entire comment! I’m living in Spain at the moment and my computer broke, so I have to use my tiny smartphone for all of my communication needs. And being that I’m living in Spain, I would need to head outside and explore this amazing country instead of wasting my time breaking apart very easily I might add this completely false and completely contradictory article. It is as if the author went to a few yoga classes and then sloppily picked out a few ideals that sounded high minded and spiritual and put them all together, but what came out was a contradictory, hypocritical, confusing ball of is inconsistent much when you put it all together. Extremely disappointing and so very disturbing

  • Stephanie

    I don’t even know where to start with my commentary. But this article made my blood boil, confused me beyond description, and made me actually tear up in public at a coffee shop in frustration and anger.

    Because this might be a long comment, I will just put out my main reaction right at the beginning so anyone reading this can just get the general gist of it right off the bat, and then I will go into detail so those who have the time can continue reading.

    This article is HORRIBLE! It is extremely contradictory and hypocritical, and makes me terrified for the future of relationships in how men and women might be in (imbalanced and unhealthy) partnerships if the concepts and ideas in this article are taken seriously. I am strongly considering cancelling my facebook association with Lucidity Festivals because of this article, which is how it came to my attention.

    First of all, its a creepy foretelling to me that the author not only immediately discredits himself as an evolved man, but also makes a strange completely irrelevant reference to eating hamburgers. Who cares? It seems as if the author is stuck in a limiting mindset that says eating a hamburger does not make you an evolved man? A long time ago I heard a quote that has stuck with me and proven true again and again. It was “When people tell you who they are the first time, believe them”. Well in the very first few sentences when the author discredits himself as an evolved man, I believe him. Especially after reading the rest of the article. This article reeks of hypocrisy and double standard. It says that an evolved man wants a woman to “be so in love with her life…wants her to be at her authentic full self…and wants her to have authentic happiness”. Most men I know are not able to do that for themselves, but yet it is apparently expected from a woman. Its seems to me not only in this article but out in the world in general, that men and society put this immense pressure on women to be the light and energy of their lives as well as their partner’s lives. Therefore, men can ride the coat tails of women’s vibrancy and ‘joie de vivre’, so men can vampire suck out their energy, without contributing or offering the same energy and light from their end. The author states that a man “doesn’t want to be burdened with making her happy”, and that ” he’s busy enough trying to manage his own experience”, yet in this article women are expected to be “radiant and genuinely happy”, have “authentic happiness”, and “be so in love with their life that her radiant joy is present in the room”. That’s a lot of pressure on women, and almost impossible in today’s intense world, and a complete double standard when I don’t observe men to live that way themselves. It sounds as if women are expected to radiate the joy for two people’s lives without it being reciprocated by their partner.

    The second enormous contradiction and hypocrisy is that the author spends a lot of time setting the premise that an evolved man wants a woman who is strong, independent and has a right to live her life however she desires and that an evolved man “wants a woman who doesn’t give two sheets what anyone thinks of her, including him”, but then goes on later to say that women should “surrender” and trust their male partner to be in charge of the relationship no matter what. He says that a woman should be her “authentic full self”, and have “authentic happiness”, “communicate openly”, and “speak her truth to him”. But when it comes time to make any major decisions about the direction of their lives that the woman should “surrender”. Talk about a strange contradiction and almost an impossibility to be both ways. One would have to be schizophrenic and have multiple personalities to be able to live on both sides of that fence. I agree with many of the folks who have advocated balanced decision making and distribution of power in relationships, in particular the eloquent words of Sara Sawyer. I have also experienced it firsthand that a balance of power and decision making is possible in a partnership, in direct contradiction of the authors comment that “an evolved man does not actually want a 50/50 partnership”. I know that it can be a give and take and it takes mature and loving people to put aside their egos and take turns compromising and graceful fluidity of an exchange of power and decisions that can alternate between partners and doesn’t have to be solely the responsibility (or the right) of one partner. I think it’s very interesting that the author says that “an evolved man wants a woman who won’t change to be with him, who mostly doesn’t give two sheets what other people think about her, including him”. I like how he includes the ‘mostly’, because of course the exception being when an authentic man “wants her to surrender”, and wants his woman to “trust him primarily to lead their lives together”. The author says that an evolved man “simply wants her aware enough to know that she’s responsible for her own happiness”. But by the authors later statements it sounds like it’s perfectly acceptable if her own happiness goes right out the window when she ‘surrenders’ and ‘trusts a man primarily to lead their lives together’ ends up contradicting her own happiness. But wait, aren’t women supposed to (in the author’s words) be: in love with their lives, be genuinely happy, have authentic happiness, and have radiant joy? What if by surrendering to her man to ‘primarily lead their lives together’ creates situations and circumstances which contradict her authentic happiness and radiant joy? Apparently an evolved man wants a woman who “just knows who she is and doesn’t need to prove that she has the right to live however she desires”, I guess she has that right until she “surrenders” and her male partner is “primarily leading their lives together”. There are so many loopholes catered to men and contradictory expectations of women that it is unbelievable. I am in disgusted shock.

    The subject of the presence of loopholes for men and the confusing and contradictory expectations of women is the perfect segue for my third major problem with this article. Apparently an evolved man wants a woman who will “hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man”, and “he wants her to communicate openly and even call out his bullshit”, but then also mentions that women should “love him with abandon”, “absolute adoration”, and “love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him”. So women are expected to hold him accountable to his highest potential, speak her truth and communicate openly and honestly, see the very best of him, but then then throw all of that out the window when he “falls victim to messing up big time”. It did not escape my attention that the author used the term ‘victim’ when a man ‘messes up big time’, therefore implying he is a victim and it is not his fault. Which completely gives a man the loophole to do whatever he wants and accept no responsibility for his actions, yet continues to put the pressure on women to ‘love their man with wild abandon’ and ‘absolute adoration’. Sounds again like an unfair double standard expecting women to be a shining example of radiance, joy and authenticity while also having the responsibility of holding men accountable, but then none of those ideals or principles matter when a man ‘falls victim to messing up big time’, and yet she is still expected to ‘love him with wild abandon’, ‘absolute adoration’, and “love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him “. Yet again another example of the impossible request for traits only observable in multiple personalities of a schizophrenic, not to mention setting the dynamic for a very unhealthy and confusing relationship. It yet again puts a lot of pressure on the woman to not only gracefully and authentically live her own life, but also carry the burden of keeping her man accountable (implying that he can’t do it himself) when yet again this double standard is not upheld by the man. The author also suggests walking the fine line of not looking for every flaw, making a nod to the evermore claim from men that women are nagging them. It is a fine (and almost impossible) line to walk, and my contention is that when women do “communicate openly, and “even call out his bullshit” that more often than not men perceive it as nagging. So in this contradictory and confusing circumstance women are in the wrong no matter what they do.

    My fourth point of commentary on this extremely disturbing article is the part about sexuality. it mentions men’s “ravenous sexuality” and seems to imply that on a consistent basis men have a higher sexual appetite than women. I vehemently disagree! In most of my long term relationships, my sexual appetite has been much larger than my male partner’s. And this is actually the case of many of my female friends. In fact, this seems to be a common problem especially as women get older. The author John Gray (men are from mars, women are from venus, as well as several other books on realtionships) mentions in one of his books that in all of his seminars women will discreetly (partially out embarrasment, but he also mentions that it often is out of respect for their partner and to protect their fragile egos, as often their partner is present at the seminar) come up to him after his presentations and tell him that they feel that they have an inadequate amount of sex in their lives and that their partners are not as interested in it as they are. And even though this seems to be a common problem (especially in my female friends who are 35 and older), you don’t see a ton of articles and books and sources about women running around complaining of this. They are frustrated and sad about it, but they don’t go around whining like babies and pointing the finger at men. They are just confused and disappointed, as well as unsatisfied. However on the flip side, men are constantly running around complaining about this and I don’t think that is an accurate portrayal of the real picture of what is going on. Plus, a lot of times when men complain about not getting enough sex, their desire is based in a disconnected animal instinct and not necessarily focus on wanting to connect with their partner or even necessarily wanting their partner directly. It is insulting when a woman feels that it’s not necessarily their partner wants sex with THEM, it’s just that they want sex. Whereas women want to feel like they are actually desired for themselves. As mentioned in the very beginning of the article that “an evolved man is a man who can see a woman’s entire humanity and all her gifts before focusing on her ass”. Unfortunately that is actually the exact opposite of what I have witnessed and experienced again and again and again. I cannot believe the extreme hypocrisy, the falsities, and the contradictory expectations that are contained within this article. It is as if the author attended a few yoga classes and then sloppily picked out a few ideals that sounded high minded and spiritual and then smushed them all together in a confusing ball of inconsistent mush that is completely hypocritical and contradictory. I hope for the sake of humanity and the future of healthy partnerships that this is not the mainstream opinion and that these ideas do not poison the minds of men or women.

    • Stephanie

      What a dick thing to say. I didn’t ‘rage in public’… after reading the article I had to remove myself from public because I was so upset, so I went back to my apartment. I am one of the most social people you will EVER meet, but as per your comment are you telling me that its not ok to go to a coffee shop by yourself, have a coffee solo and enjoy some FB time? I’m not going to walk up to a table with a total stranger who is studying and sit down and say “hey! Let’s get to know each other”. And I know its just a #opinion thing, but the fact that this stupid douche proclaims himself to be a writer and has these disturbing opinions that he gets to have this forum for them is very upsetting to me. I guess since we all have free speech then maybe I will start a blog and write an article about what a total DOUCHE this guy is. Thanks for reminding me about the freedom of speech

    • Che

      I am vegetarian for 20 years and the hamburger part really seemed out of place for being an evolved man, also almost demanding that a woman be available for sex at all times seemed out of character, however it was on point saying that a couple should be able to discuss any issue they have. I have found more often than not, in my own personal experiences, women are more afraid of emotional connections than physical ones. That could just be my luck running into women afraid of emotional intimacy, but I believe that everything is better when you have an emotional connection, sex, eating together, sharing experiences, and ideally growing equally from mutual respect and matched energies

  • Jennifer

    Which artists painted the images used? I like them.

  • Erik Denton

    #4 was written wrong, what it should have said. He wants her to stop giving him bull shit and asking him bull shit like,”what do I look like in this….”

  • bella78900

    Beautiful…You kinda lost me at man leading the relationship. They lead and surrender to each other. That way there is balance. also I’m a little disappointed u made this an exlcusively cis and heterosexual article… I would have preferred a gender neutral article but it’s not the end of the world. Keep working at it and forming your ideas and opinions you express well.

    • Valerie Emmons

      Your disappointed that this article is about a woman and a man? Fuck gender neutral I am pretty sure everyone is not gay and I’m sure there are articles for you about that. I have no compliants regarding this well written piece it was spot on coming from a woman who has found her soul mate and we have this relationship exactly and we make “fucking Magic every day!” I have never been able to surrender to a man leading because before him the were all irresponsible wusses. I trust my man cometely and let him decide what’s best. Sometimes a strong woman needs that as balance too so you do not know what your saying so stop lolo h for somebrubb to complain about. I give this article a 4.5 stars out of 5!

      • Maezeppa

        1. Please learn the difference between “you’re” and “your” and “yore”.
        2. Try not to swear so much. A filthy mouth never improves communication.

    • Elwin Ryan Ransom

      The world is cis like it or not. The rest is confusion.

      • Lina Lehua

        You’re just being a cunt

        • So, once again Lina , instead of responding to my point, the liberal calls me a name and a pejorative name for a woman’s genitals to boot. Interesting. Your tolerance, understanding, and willingness to discuss an issue is so clearly illustrated. Typical liberal hater, the most hateful people in the world while they whine about how they want the world to be tolerant of them. Such hypocrites.

  • P Feezee

    this was written by a passive aggressive biltch, you can just tell with both the language used and his way of trying to soften the language about controlling his woman so he doesnt have to feel hurt when she looks at another man. An “evolved” man basically loves the woman he is with because of who she is. They agree on their boundaries and expectations and openly communicate. If someone breaks those boundaries or expectations, then the person who was wronged can communicate how they were hurt and what expectation or boundary was crossed, and if it went to far the person decides to end the relationship. Thats the first step of being in an “evolved” relationship. Openly communicating and not burying your feelings until they explode. Next step is to be sex positive and understand what consent truly is. This thing about being frustrated about being shut out sexually….that sounds like the talk of a man that can’t get his girl off…once again, not listening to her and knowing what she really wants combined with not communicating your own desires and being a fucking man. I would actually argue that everything this guy says is the opposite of what evolved is. This guy suggests that men should be sniveling pussies and women should willingly submit to being their projected ideal woman, essentially objectifying her and trying to control her behavior. This is nothing but misogyny.

  • MArk Felt

    This is awful writing.

    “He’ll be deeply sensitive to her needs, but not at the expense of
    castrating himself internally to protect her from his
    ravenous sexuality. This is often what makes men turn to porn, strip
    clubs, massage parlors, affairs.”

    Ohhhhh, so it’s the woman’s fault he cheated on her!


  • Melissa

    Two people can lead together as King and Queen. There is no need to surrender yourself to another person. You can have trust between two people without giving your control or power away.

  • Rob Standard

    Who writes like this?
    “gaze with such absolute adoration upon her new husband’s face that I felt the Earth jealous even though it had the Sun.”
    Guess who? Someone who describes himself thus.,,
    “has triumphed through multiple dark nights of the soul after hurling himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationship over and over again”

    The internet of horrors – good god.

  • Sara Sawyer

    I think enlightened people surrender to each other. In any partnership there is a sharing of responsibility and leading. It is too much if a burden in our modern world for one person in a relationship to be the leader of the whole marriage. An enlightened couple splits things up based on ability and preference. And an enlightened couple chooses day after day each other over the world of distractions. One of these distractions is a possessive and competitive need to be The Boss and have someone give into you. Both parties surrender in an enlightened relationship and that vulnerability opens them to spirit.

    On the issue of sexual availability, I believe this too creates an unhealthy burden on one partner to set the pace of sexuality and can harm a partnership. Men are not always the more virile partner in a male-female coupling. It is an unfair stereotype and burden to put the man as active and the woman as receptive. Each of us is responsible for our own sexual pleasure. Porn addiction is not required for masturbation, people have touched themselves for ages without DVDs and the Internet. If your wife isn’t putting out whoring and cheating are not the only answers. People can talk together about how to feel loved and wanted in a relationship and both partners can reciprocate living touch. Enlightened partners find intimacy together as a team and sex is not the only form of intimacy. The intense hyper masculine focus on sex being the only form of intimacy harms couples that could otherwise be happy. Ladies in relationships with men remember to be vulnerable with your man, but hold space for him to be vulnerable too. If he feels too much pressure to perform it can harm his spirit too. And when women are spoken of in the manner this article speaks of them–as being enlightened if they are available sexually at the man’s lead, they are objectified by being defined as spiritual by the confines of libido.

    That being said, does anyone else find the author’s choice of hat symbolic/ironic?

  • Ahura Z. Diliiza

    Funny how some women just refuse to listen to what an evolved man actually wants. I guess they would rather tell him what they think he wants. Sorry. That doesn’t work. Only an man can tell you what he wants now if you are an evolved woman. Listen. If you are not? then just get mad and be disrespectful and continue on your present path. I’m sure it works for you. I call Bull that you try to say what you think an evolved man is. You are not one.

    • Anna

      Women are saying that a man who wants a woman to step back and let him make all of the decisions for her isn’t actually evolved. If there isn’t mutual surrender and submission then one person is diminishing themself. Any man who wants a woman to diminish herself is not evolved. It’s just a new way to place women beneath men.

  • hahahaha “surrender”. You first, jackass.

    • Yeah, that’s pretty much why relationships are hard for most people – or eventually unsatisfying, anyway. No one wants to go first.

      • I’ve been in the same relationship for the last 20 years and no one had to do any surrendering. Funny how that works when you approach each others as equals and communicate. Sorry things aren’t working out for you though. Maybe you should work on that.

        • Are you really certain that your partner enjoys being in the presence of snide self-righteous condescending sarcasm? Because that’s the only communication style you’ve used to interact with me so far.

          • Are you really certain that this person’s partner doesn’t get to see any side of them than what they show to some stranger on the internet who believes that all “evolved” people in heterosexual relationships everywhere want their relationships to be male-dominated to the point where the woman doesn’t even get to negotiate her sexual needs? Because that’s the only way of thinking you’ve displayed in this article, and you seem to be under the impression that the way people behave on the internet when a stranger says something they find obnoxious is representative of the way they behave in their intimate relationships with people they trust. I personally don’t consider that kind of inability to understand human complexity very evolved.

      • Dan

        Mr. Reeves, if that is your take on it (I’m assuming from your own standpoint of an evolved man, though it may not be your personal view), then why not advocate that the evolved man be the one to “go first” with respect to “surrendering” rather than wanting his partner to do so? Doing so might aid in the issue you outlined in the comment above.

      • Dan

        Mr. Reeves, if that is your take on it (I’m assuming from your own standpoint of an evolved man, though it may not be your personal view), then why not advocate that the evolved man be the one to “go first” with respect to “surrendering” rather than wanting his partner to do so? Doing so might aid in the issue you outlined in your comment above.

  • Sarah Taylor

    “an evolved man doesn’t actually want anything in particular from a woman other than her authentic self.”
    … “but an evolved man still does want sex. Passionate. Consistent. Anytime. Sex. He wants no games; no withholding; no negotiating. Sex.”

    These feel contradictory, or at least out of balance with each other, Bryan. Moreover, the second quote, if taken out of the narrow context you posit here (i.e. that of being an evolved man), is devoid of boundaries and consent.

    Perhaps an evolved man is so evolved that these don’t matter anymore? That may be true … but how many men reading this, who might want to take your words to heart, would admit to being un-evolved?

    I write this in the spirit of calling “bullshit.”

    • In the spirit of humanity’s evolution, paradox is a powerful – and necessary – woman to dance with.

      • Sarah Taylor

        I do agree with that, Bryan.

    • Connie

      I’m thinking that when a woman is truly free to be her authentic self, and is with a man who deeply, truly loves her, then she enjoys the surrender to him. That doesn’t mean she can’t say no. All he is saying is that when we as women continually make excuses and shut him down, we are taking away an important piece of the relationship. I only now know this to be true because after 12 years of marriage that ended, I find myself in a relationship with a man such as this who wants me to be all of me and to whom I gladly give myself to.

      • Sarah Taylor

        I think your response is more nuanced than the original article, Connie, and more in line with my feelings on the subject.

    • Poo

      Your authentic self should also want sex, if not, gtfo.

      • Sarah Taylor

        Very happy to gtfo, Poo.

    • Che



To whom do you want to send this article via email?

Send this to a friend