I am a love coach supporting other couples in expanding their joy, love, connection and creativity. Yeehaw!
Ever wonder why you feel less connected to your loved one, or why you feel less sexual desire for your partner? Perhaps it is because there is actually a thick and gnarly brick wall between you. Walls kill that delicious flow of aliveness – the sexual spark and the bonding feelings of connection.
During sex, have you ever had the thought, “I wish he would do this lighter and move a little to the left,” but you didn’t say anything for fear of disappointing him or killing the vibe?
Or ever had the thought, “I wish he would just give me some personal space right now,” but you didn’t dare say anything for fear of hurting his feelings?
The Reason for Disconnection in Relationship
Of all the relationship issues out there, this one reliably rears it’s ugly head:
“I’m too afraid to tell you how I actually feel, what I actually think, and what I truly want.”
Humans make up zillions of clever excuses to stifle their truth in favor of keeping peace. The funny thing is, consistently tucking your truth under the rug creates more issues, drama and disconnection in the long run. Many of you intuitively know this, but your excuses can be rather convincing
“If I share this with him, he might disconnect or get angry,” or “I am afraid I will lose him if I tell him how I really feel,” or “maybe this is how I feel right now, but it will probably change… so I better not say anything.”
What is true is that we are growing and changing all of the time, but each time you block your inner knowing, you build walls that eventually shield you from deeply connecting with yourself and others.
Over time some of you even become disconnected from knowing how you feel and what you truly think in any given moment. As a result, a large wall is formed in your relationship.
Ever wonder why you feel less connected to your loved one, or why you feel less sexual desire for your partner? You may be looking at them from a few feet away but they look really, really far away. Perhaps it is because there is actually a thick and gnarly brick wall between you. Walls kill that delicious flow of aliveness – the sexual spark and the bonding feelings of connection.
Walls kill relationships and every time we lie or withhold our genuine thoughts and feelings, the wall grows thicker.
How do I know this? I concealed my truth for a long time. I played the “smile and nod” game in so many of my relationships, quietly tucking down my authentic feelings and inner voice for fear of creating disconnection.
How to Bulldoze the Brick Wall in your Relationship
The secret to a thriving relationship lies in authenticity. Be real. Be authentic. Don’t cheat on yourself.
Authenticity begins on the inside. This is so basic, yet it is something that many of us consistently forget, especially in intimate relationships where the “threat” of losing love and connection is the scariest.
My invitation is to start by being willing to know how you actually feel, not just when it is convenient, but all of the time. When you hear that inner voice saying, “hmmm… I like this,” or “hmmm… I don’t like this,” give it your attention – seductively tease out your desires and feelings using the precious currency of your non-judgmental attention.
I challenge those of you who think of yourselves as super easy going; those of you who seem to not have many clear desires and are always willing to go with the flow.
Sometimes under the guise of this “easy going” personality is a huge fear of being sorely disappointed when your desires are not met, or being judged for having your desires. Stretch yourself to seek out those hidden gems of desire; those thoughts, feelings, and opinions eagerly waiting within you.
How do you know when its time to Say Something to your Partner?
There are four great indicators:
If you are afraid to say it, then say it. Fear means that it is important.
If it keeps popping up in your mind and you notice you generate a swirl of stories about this truth.
Ask yourself this, “If my partner were in my shoes right now, would I want him to tell me this?” If so, time to speak.
If you have sought the support and opinions of your friends, then it means it is large enough to share.
How to speak the Scary Truths and Feelings to your Partner?
Start by setting the context and enroll your partner in your experience with:
“Hey love of my life, I have noticed that it is sometimes challenging for me to know and communicate what I feel and what I want. I want to create an even more honest and amazing relationship with you, and I have a sense that we can create this if we both start getting genuinely real with each other. This feels new for me and I would love your support.”
Then, the next time you have something to share or reveal, remind your partner of this agreement before sharing. Notice what happens as you share – do you feel closer to yourself and your partner? Do you notice the wall between you starting to fall away? Do you notice feeling more sexual spark with your man?
Lets create relationships that are based on being real. We all yearn to be seen, so give your partner a chance to fully see you by showing up as you really are – with your quirky desires, brilliant thoughts, and uniquely divine feelings.