Why I Don’t Fuck Spiritual Guys
About Me
Candice Holdorf is an erotic writer + performer, as well as a teacher of sexuality + orgasm. She is a regular contributor to Elephant Journal and The Good Men Project and maintains her own blog, The Orgasmic Life. She is passionate about helping people delve into the taboo places in their lives, whether it be though her coaching or her art. She is a graduate of NYU's Tisch School of the Arts and a co-founder of NYC's award-winning, Flux Theatre Ensemble. She received her sexuality coaching training at OneTaste and now teaches the practice of Orgasmic Meditation. She is a recovering anorexic and former yoga teacher. She currently resides in San Francisco with her beloved husband and their two snakes.I like fucking all kinds of people. But when it comes to “spiritual guys,” I just can’t fuck ‘em. Or, more precisely, they can’t fuck me.
It’s not that I don’t fuck spiritual guys from lack of wanting. I don’t fuck spiritual guys because they don’t know how and aren’t willing to be fucked themselves.
How To Recognize A “Spiritual Guy”
Let’s not confuse a “spiritual guy” with a mature, fully integrated spiritual man; so I’ll define what I mean by “spiritual guy.”
It has little to do with whether or not he believes in God and a lot more to do with what he thinks about his own humanity. Many “spiritual guys” come with a belief that they are “better than” their physical selves and should “rise above” their baser instincts.
He’s all about being “heart-centered” and having “slow, tantric sex.” He walks around with a glassy stare, never gets angry, talks in a creepy whisper and greets every hot woman he meets with the ubiquitous “spiritual guy” pick-up line, “Namaste.”
He professes that money is evil, believes that commitment robs him of his enlightenment and prefers eye-gazing over hair-pulling. He is a participant in a kind of “spiritual sexism” that we often see in “conscious communities,” i.e. reaching for the ethereal stillness (masculine) while rejecting the material chaos (feminine).
While I have nothing against heart-centeredness and eye-gazing, a man who prioritizes “higher” virtues ends up disconnecting himself from his lower three chakras and committing the equivalent of energetic castration.
Imagine a car with no engine or gas. No matter how “loving,” “nice” and “sweet” it looks on the outside, without the raw material to fuel it, the car won’t run.
However “spiritual guys,” tend to demonize and negate their own “fuel.” Then they use the name of tantra as a tool to bypass the “nasty” work of being human and try to get laid by pretending that their cocks have magical, healing “spiritual” powers.
Traditional tantra teachings believe that everything is fuel for awakening. Looking at tantra from an etymological perspective, tan means expansion and tra means liberation. (UPDATE: A Sanskrit scholar has informed me that tra is actually closer to the word “means;” so tantra is literally “a means of expansion”).
So rather than excluding and rejecting the coarser parts of ourselves, we expand and liberate ourselves through alchemy, converting megalomania (third chakra), lust (second chakra) and anger (first chakra) into purpose, desire and power, respectively.
How To Become A “Real” Man
He must fall on the ground in love with surrender. He must expose and accept every part of himself while in connection with his partner. Only then can he hold a woman in total presence and approval of everything she throws at him. The combination of compassion and animal-power is what pins a woman down and penetrates her to her aching core.
To be fair, a more “worldly” man in our society, i.e. one who is open in the lower chakras and closed in the upper, cannot truly fuck either. His lack of emotional connection, unwillingness to speak vulnerably and dependency on linear scripts of relating prevent him from deeply feeling a woman and earning her trust. His material merits may win him points in the immediate “pick-up” game, but he will lose out in the long-term.
Not to say that every sexual encounter needs to be a step towards a long-term relationship.
This is where we women often to lie about their own desire, using the old excuse “I’m waiting for “the one” as a shield against feeling the magnitude of animal hunger that lives within us.
Want A Real Woman? Show Up With Your Real Soul-Fucked Self
The feminine fable about “the one” is what makes men more apt to don the “spiritual guy” mask. He thinks if he acts humble and nice and safe and “conscious,” he can win the prize (her pussy). But ultimately he is cheating himself (and women) of an opportunity for awakening.
By acknowledging our shame, rage, greed, lust, victimhood, hatred and addictions, we get to know and love the human parts of ourselves and learn to work with these pieces as allies, rather than having these shadow bits secretly run the show and hijack our power.
When we courageously allow our soul-fucked selves to show up sexually, it invites the people we love to expose their blessed and wounded parts and sets the stage for trust, connection and intimacy. Then we come to know the true essence of tantra: that there really is no separation and that everything – divinity, humanity, ordinary, mystery, light, dark, earth, heaven – is a vital and necessary ingredient on the spiritual path.
By Candice Holdorf | Image credit: The amazing Michael Howard from NVM Illustration
Meet A Real “Spiritual Guy”: Tom Shakti
>> After this article Tom Shakti left us a response .. freakin’ hilarious 😀
Video Credit: Tom Shakti from New Age Girls
Join The Secret Sunday List & Get 1 FREE Actionable Secret Every Sunday.
Wait…. So. This “Tom Shakti” guy isn’t acting? He’s actually for real?
hold on, you mean guys like this exist? like, this is actually an archetype of person? Jesus Christ. that’s my very spiritual reaction to this piece of news.
i would’ve assumed no warning would be needed about such a pretentious-sounding tool of a person, but i suppose there are sufficient enough of this type of character to warrant such an exposé.
I love this article and the energy of evolutionist honesty. It gives me the sense the evolutionary wheel got a little faster after the side of that wheel contact the ground of Reality. I read from Chogyam Trungpa that Tantra can be seen as not freezing the water of the unknown -relating to the situation directly, fully, properly- than turning into the ice of our known (mental schema that serves self referencing). We can then return to Living at the Primacy rather than at our Secondary level, much like the part of the wheel that spins our Evolutionary wheel since it is the only one touching the ground of Reality.
Spot on! we need to All accept every part of ourselves, not only the light, but also the shadows, so it naturally can get transformed into something higher 🙂 Being authentic and whole, thats what true enlightenment is!
The more womb centered & heart centered you are, you live with ease, energy & peace…………. you women are womb centered & you can’t even tolerate men going heart centered, because it won’t work in your favor…………. if you truly in love with someone instead of opposing spirituality you must accept & support spirituality…….. rather then downgrading one’s spiritual level then you providing things to prove you are big, …………the truth is most women don’t want men to live in ease, peace & bliss, so that what they give to men becomes bigger & greater,……….but a real women will rise above this & she will totally accept, help & support spirituality of one she truly love & care
Another sexually depraved woman presenting herself as the standard amongst a sexually obsessed following. Use Eastern slant to present herself as the new voice of liberation. Give the queen of the pond a few ‘likes’…….and you have achieved nirvana.
Yep. 🙂
ha… nice article and its something I’ve been thinking about in the last few years… I mean the tantra vs animal sex. I kind of identify with some points here, as a spiritual type, the whole eye gazing, slow tantra work and all… Not sure about the neglecting lower chakras though, as we know its a progress and acknowledging lower vibrations, I believe, is enough rather than acting on them… I try to be a decent human being, act on Love, and not waste my vital energy on anything that moves. I do this for myself and not for pussy hunting! cant speak for anyone else but Im sure there are more like me….
As to the animal sex vs tantra lovemaking, I must say that personally I prefer later. Dont know why but it feels so much better when you take it slow and really connect with your partner, looking in the eyes and all that bullocks… But I also understand that there has to be women that rather enjoy the whole animal sex thing, which is fair enough. So with every sexual encounter I speak about this and try to understand ones likes and dislikes.
For my surprise every single women that I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years have been quite pleased, and surprised, with such technics (fully tantra) and have all told me they much rather have it like that. Maybe its the law of attraction, maybe they’re lying not to hurt the all so sensitive male sex ego, but I feel its been very positive, with many of them admitting they have reached far more sexual pleasure and intensity than with other more animal technics, which makes me think it is a good method. Although there was one which was a bit older than me (50, me 35) and had had an extremely animal sex type boyfriend who turned out to be a psycho, stalker, aggressive Man, but in the bedroom it was a hurricane meets a turnado kind of thing, and she once had multiple orgasms. Now, I was the opposite and she told me that she’d much prefer my way although there were no multiple orgasms with me. As I understood it, she was connecting the person to the act and much preferred me as a person than him. But still to this day I think she’d rather lay with him, if it came down to sex alone, which is fair enough. But what upsets me is that she never admitted no matter how much I persuaded her, which only says that girls are very conscious about the male’s sex ego! maybe too much…
But generalisations are silly and each one likes different things. Maybe the writer here likes the whole sado-maso thing, which is great if it works for her… I, like her, am also on my right to say I wouldn’t make love with this type of girls. Tolerance, acceptance and understanding are qualities of the higher chakras, something which is highly valuable and should be strengthened.
These articles are great to sparkle debates and opinions, one should not use such malefic tones if one does not agree, but rather explain their points of view in a rational manner. I would love to know female opinion on this matter, and how you prefer your sexual interactions to be. I guess much depends on the energy created by the shiva shakti dance, but whats your soft spot…???
Love…
“Now, I was the opposite and she told me that she’d much prefer my way although there were no multiple orgasms with me. As I understood it, she was connecting the person to the act and much preferred me as a person than him. But still to this day I think she’d rather lay with him, if it came down to sex alone, which is fair enough. But what upsets me is that she never admitted no matter how much I persuaded her, which only says that girls are very conscious about the male’s sex ego! maybe too much… ”
Whatever type of fucking it is, no matter how good one may be, a lot of it has to do with the chemistry and the exchange of chemicals that are transmitted from one organism to the other.. (Even that certain smell alone does the job into helping a person climax) There is also a mixture of different types of sweats (anxious sweats, sex sweats, etc..) that (especially) females are able to pick up on a person… (That is, If I recall correctly)
To me it seems that maybe he may have been pretty good in bed with some good moves and giving her some pretty good orgasms.. But from the sound of it, his sweat probably weren’t very sexy.. Lol Sounds like you and her have better chemistry with each other and the chemicals in which you both exchange, and I have a feeling she is being honest with you. After all if she doesn’t really admit it and isn’t going out of her way to convince you, maybe she wants to spice up the relationship just a tad bit? Maybe just maybe? :p
That guy is a put-on, right?
Love all your posts, Candice!
I see the most important element here as the wide and deep adaptability of a mature couple. Maturity isn’t a “type,” it is awareness induced by experience, flavored by attention and curiosity, and that strange state the accepts the other as self. It is response now, to what is happening between two, not prescribed animal habit or faux spiritualism, or any agenda. It is a constant finding out and responding with your best take, and adjusting, like improv jazz or comedy, or a spontaneous poem involving everything from your toes through your chakras, whatever those are beyond thoughts about them. It is like battle, Musashi going in, open on all eight sides, both swords out. It is no one home, only attention to input without reference to “me,” yet being there fully. It is opening the door to both the Lady and the Tiger, and she’s in on it.
Hello all, first time posting here. Wow, what an interesting article! I’m a man, and even I find the spiritual guy in the article and video slightly annoying. Namaste opener…LOL. I do not know the full story behind why you were inspired to write this article. I’m unsure if your opinions are based on numerous experiences or just a single experience. But what I do know is that not all “spiritual men”, or people in general, are the same. If this were so, then I would dismiss a current girlfriend just because she has the same occupation or hobby as an ex. I don’t consider myself a spiritual man, however I am a man who has had significant spiritual experiences in his life. I’m aware I do not fall into your description of a spiritual guy. But I wouldn’t want a woman to turn away from me just because I understand deeper knowledge of spirit and its connectivity to everything. I do understand the differences between sex, making love, and fucking. And I’m competent enough to understand which action is best for which situation I may find myself in. I am using my past experiences as the basis for my opinions. Your article has still intrigued me since my spiritual experiences have only occurred for the last 2 years of my life, coupled with my sexual abstinence (which began prior to any spiritual experiences). Since you are the Sexual Scientist, then your input on my choices of self-control are appreciated!
I’m a 29 year old Aries. 2 years ago I decided to begin my sexual abstinence due to many changes which were taking place in my life. This choice began when I left the military and moved back to my hometown where I would continue my education. Prior to this choice, I was your basic playboy. I remained single throughout my 6 years in the military, but almost always had a companion. I enjoyed my bachelor life with the guys, just as much as I enjoyed my social life with my lady at the time. I always treated women with respect, as my Grandmother whom raised me would have it no other way. This lady was OLD SCHOOL!
Upon leaving the military, I was taking a loss to income. I will admit this impacted some of my self-confidence as I enjoyed taking my ladies out to the best places. Another factor that assisted in making my choice of abstinence, was a growing desire to want to settle down and have a family. I was back home where I grew up, and was beginning to imagine children of my own running in the same yard. But I was very far from being ready to support this family financially. The loss of income coupled with the inability to secure a job made things more difficult. Which also continued to support my choice. It actually got to the point where I was beginning to feel depressed. It was around this time that I knew even if the perfect woman walked into my life, that I would lose her because I was lacking in the self-love, self-confidence and the inner flame which I once had. It was then, that I chose to renew myself to my choice, but not out of a fear of being unable to support them. I renewed my choice out of self-respect. I wanted to fall in love with myself all over again. This may sound narcissistic to some, but I felt that in order to truly love someone else, I must first love myself. This was the catalyst for my spiritual “evolution”. Initially I wasn’t searching for anything “hippie-like” or any of the Love and Light stuff you may keep seeing every where. I was searching for hardcore truths concerning the basic principles of our bodies; the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. This naturally led to the discovery of ancient teachings which are still found throughout the world today. The more I began to learn, the more I wanted to know. Well now it’s 2 years later and I’ve found my self-everything again. Plus, I found much much more! I’ve now decided to end my choice which I made 2 years ago, but this time I am not actively searching for someone to meet. However, this doesn’t mean I will lock-up my inner Aries fire! I’ve just decided to live my life for me, and anyone I meet throughout the process will be someone to meet. I am going with the belief that I will know when I know.
Lastly, there is the debate about a man who turns his thoughts inwards for spiritual evolution may disconnect himself from his lower 3 chakras. My counter to this is what if a man were to use his inward focus to balance his energies instead? This could be known as Yin and Yang, or to balance the thought between both hemispheres of the brain. Science has said the right hemisphere is female, creative and intuitive; the left is male, logical and mathematical. Also said female brains appear to be optimized for inter-hemispheric communication, and male brains for intra-hemispheric communication (intra-, or within). Science has also shown that periods of fasting is good for the health. In our bodies we can see this naturally in the female menstruation cycles, and our sleep and awake cycles. In nature, we can see this as day and night, polarities, and magnetism. Ancient Egyptians used the Ankh to harness their personal energy (Chi, Spirit, Qi, Aura) during orgasm to redirect the energy of the orgasm back into their bodies rather than losing it. It then could be stored and reused as energy is never created nor destroyed. Even the Ankh itself is similar to both the female and male symbols used today. Which to me, this shows unity. I loosely agree that a man can disconnect himself from his lower chakras, as can females. Perhaps this too is shown in our bodies through the menopause cycle. But I think the more important factor to focus upon is that the best way to prevent this is in a steady relationship, or being in unity. Both men and women have their own weaknesses and strengths that the other does not posses.
(P.S. to Mod) I’m really sorry about a long post. I’m not great at summarizing 🙁
After reading the article and comment, I want to add to the discussion that I appreciate her perspective and I have been met with similar thoughts/feelings within my intimate encounters with said “spiritual men”. However, I can relate to this “spiritual man” who wants to eye gaze, hug and and synch breaths. There is something to be said for this type of love making just as much as the infamous soul fucking. Two points to address: 1) As a “spiritual woman” meditating, yogi hippie earth goddess type (though I detest these labels, I’ll run with it to make my point), The sexuality I came into, grew up around and shared with my peers in my teens and early twenties, for me, was unsatisfying, deeply twisted, superficial, damaging, and traumatic. I finally was fed up with this. I sought something deeper, more pure, sweet, loving, respectful, etc. Here, I met a few of the “spiritual men” persuasion. These encounters had nothing to do with :fucking: Yes they were focused on the higher chakras in a sense, but this was the exact type of intimate exploration I was wanting and needing to do. We journeyed together through mediation, with psychedelics, through intimate talks and massages that took us both into deeper states of bliss, sometimes subtly orgasmic… 2) I know that I needed some time away from fucking, some other forms of intimacy with men, and with myself to heal the sexual trama that I experienced growing up in this society. the “spiritual men” I know have expressed similar reasons for gravitating away from that type of lovemaking. Maybe it’s just some of our paths… to step out of the fucking to experience in the way that we desire to experience… really who is this woman to judge? and who are all of you to judge her? or each other… She makes some good points, but maybe she should think about the context and the whys of “spiritual men”‘s inclinations for higher chakraed love making…. I know that my journey is not over and I am healing my womb I have recently opened to “soulfucking” and see the potential of full chakrasized lovemaking that weaves it all. Thanks for reading this. I hope I made some sense to you all. Happy soul fucking and or eye gazing my friends… do what you want and need to do for yourself and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!!!! I love you!
What happened to my comment?
Creepy and sectarian behavior, forced relationship with women is one thing, abstaining from sex is another. A real relationship between a man and a woman does not need sex. Its not that important. And yes, sexual desire does in fact destroy something in you, in the finer part of the soul, be it only for a short period of time, and it does make you oblivious of the true self of the other person, makes you focus only on the body. You cannot help it. This is a fact, and not some new age nonsense. Having said that, sex can be a very joyful activity, but it does not help you to know and love the other person better – even the contrary.
Guys in the USA get all spiritual in order to bypass the emotions around being sexually assaulted at birth. Their dicks and hearts are wounded by genital mutilation. They say they love their cut dicks. Those dicks are missing half the skin and 70% of the nerve endings. They became that way through a violent assault upon their arrival on earth.
I am assuming by your article that you have fucked the wrong spiritual guys, well I have a question… What is the common denominator of the sucky, spiritual guys that you have fucked? YOU! Congrats you have told us paragraphs about these Spiritual Sexist men and told us volumes about yourself…
I’m guessing you’re one of these whispering ponytail pussies.
Hey now, George Carlin had a ponytail.. but I can’t say I disagree with your comment. Lol
These sensitive new age guys are not real men.
Excellent post and absolutely, 100% on the money. Your comment : “a man who prioritizes “higher” virtues
ends up disconnecting himself from his lower three chakras and
committing the equivalent of energetic castration.” is brilliant!
I agree, that these spiritual types lack that which make man a man. In their quest to explain the many voids, and the many failures in their lives, they seek justification for their professional impotence, by branding money as evil, and success for the unenlightened.
But since the beginning of mankind, males have been hunters, and throughout history have defined themselves through their personal and professional conquests, achievements and in today’s world, career success. Devoid of any such triumphs, these spiritual types shun work, accomplishment and performance, and have become daintier than a woman- and thus they cannot fuck. Bravo!
Maybe
mmmm… have a look at the great enlightened masters and tell me what you see. As human consciousness rises, so does violence, male competition, and all that more animal aspect of our human nature. It is a battle of evolution vs instincts. The fully conscious man, I believe, is above the animal instincts… Does not mean a man shouldn’t protect or even feed his partner, but we must agree with Bob when he says; times, they are a changing… 🙂
p.s. A man who seeks luxury and material comfort to attain respect or attract girls, I believe is not on the path to find truth… Nor is a women who feels attracted to these kind of men… 😉 Lets us not confuse a spiritual seeker with a lazy Joe…
someone who actually gets it? Please reproduce , have 2 billion children , so we can get past this bullshit already.
Lol, I see what you’re saying but it would be better to adopt!.. Nature likes to create something unique and unparalleled every chance it gets.. If only people would test everything for and by themselves instead of going with the flow of what is the norm, then maybe we wouldn’t have so many gaga minded folks in this world.
Nature like us to have impossible challenges lol
ohhhh how I wish I could have been one of the New Age girls on the show:)) hilarious:)) I love dipping into that talk and that lifestyle ever now and then, and i am glad there are people who laugh about the bullshit. ( tm eyegaze and all the selling of spiritual paraphernalia:)) awesome:))
with every kind of guy one has to be careful and not listen too much to what they say but see what they do ( and the conscious community guys talk ooooooh so much:))
lol…
As someone who’s had alot of trouble with my maleness and sexuality (so sue me…i am as i am ) i find this kind of offensive.. perhaps it’s liberating to write and play with…but sexuality and consent must be hand in hand or it’s not really sexuality…I am a son of woman who was never shy about discussing sexual abuse she had received from men, including my great grandfather…this makes sexuality and development a really different game. I am not like most men, perhaps not exactly like the men discussed in the article, but combine with some sexual trauma i received as a child, i must go very slowly and carefully with my sexual partners. when i dont, and cant be the man some women, they can be terrible, trying to inflict shame and degradation, comparing me to men given a clearer path….
this seems predatory to me. I when i love someone, even for a night, or a minute, i want to give all i can…i am constrained by a lot, but i need to connect with a worthy partner, not just a horny woman. the truth is, i cant always tell when i first meet someone…I guess the world seems full of people who want to fuck and cum in any woman they can find…I dont see where the frustration is coming from.
perhaps the very vulnerability the article seems to chide is why i bristle at its directive. I am protector, a lover, a spiritual man, and a sacred being. I am not just a template.
Don’t take it to heart, she’s just a petty cunt that learned how to hen-peck on a keyboard some dumb spiritual guy invented so she could type her steaming dogshit to the world. Please go back to being the good soul you are. “Spirit” will guide her further off the deep end than she’ll ever realize before it’s too late. Namaste!
Nope, the body is all that is there, which is miraculous in itself.. The body is immortal and not the soul.. Spirit means breath in Latin, or Espiritus, as in “he took his last breath’, nothing mystical about it. No need to label yourself as this or that. But I see what you mean when reading it in context. 🙂