We are living in a world that cares too much about things that don’t really matter.
In this blog post I’ll share my thoughts on the importance of looks and the (insignificant) role it played for me in choosing a partner.
Why do I feel the urge to do so? For the simple fact that I think we, as humanity, are moving in a direction that has become way too superficial. This is not just causing lots of confusion and frustration, but also tons of problems.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR? #Nnnnnot
A great representation of how “far” humanity has come, is the old saying “You Are What You Wear” which seems to be the mainstream way of living instead of seeing things in a more holistic way like “Do not judge a book by it’s cover”.
It seems almost as if you are worth more the better you look. Sad, don’t you think? Especially when knowing that “beauty” is something relative, fleeting and highly distorted in today’s society.
For many, the physical appearance of a person has become THE major factor for choosing a partner. This puts a lot of attention towards external attraction and leads to people spending excessively in an effort to look amazing. I am not saying that there is necessarily something wrong with that logic, but I am saying there is so much more to a person.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE IS ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
Today, after more than 10 years in an amazing but very challenging relationship, it’s more than obvious to me that there is so much more to finding a partner. In fact I know that a relationship based on physical attraction alone will not be able to weather the storms that often come along in a long-term and authentic intimate relationship.
In my eyes, looks play a very small supporting role in the lifespan of a relationship. Based on my experiences I have developed my own theory of what makes a person beautiful and capable of thriving in a relationship.
THE TOP 5 ATTRIBUTES FOR A THRIVING RELATIONSHIP
In today’s society, the predominant factors for choosing the right partner have been reduced to things like visual appearance, material belongings, success, etc. Things that in my opinion do not really matter if you are serious about a relationship. If you ask me what makes Adina, my partner, so special to me and how our relationship has weathered the biggest storms I would base it on these top 5 attributes :
#1 Intellect – “Smart & Independent”
It’s key for me that my partner is capable of not just keeping up with me but capable of challenging me intellectually. Sparking new thoughts and ideas as life unfolds. Does my partner inspires me and challenges me to become more of what I am? For me it’s a “Hell Yes!” and one of the crucial elements to a thriving relationship.
#2 Diversity – “Offers a different perspective”
Diversity is a crucial element to a thriving relationship. In fact there is a study which analyzed the synergies of different couples and researched which types of couples were able to weather the storms of life. The result was this:
Diversity + Same interests = Potentially powerful long-term relationship.
This means that partners with very different character traits but same interests would have an easier time to weather the storms of life than those who were very similar to each other. (e.g. both partners extroverted or both very introverted)
For my relationship with Adina this theory fits perfectly. Adina is an extroverted person and I am rather introverted, but we both share a passion for hip hop music, basketball, the universe and traveling the world.
Diversity helps lovers challenge each other. And it are these challenges that help uncover our true self. Overcoming challenges together is one of the most powerful bonds to develop in a relationship. Sharing similar interests helps bonding with the partner when times are tough.
If it wasn’t for Adina I might still be stuck in the vicious corporate carrier cycle. I might still eat the same foods. I might still be the same person I was back then if Adina wouldn’t have challenged me as much as she did by just being who she is. It’s a tough journey but key for me to reach my full potential.
This aspect can be life changing! Each time you overcome a challenge you are expanding your horizon.
#3 Energy – “Resonates with me”
Since day one Adina and I were connected. I still can’t really describe what this energetic bond was, but it made me look past the difficulties we had in the beginning of our relationship. In the absence of this energy, we wouldn’t have lasted more than 6 months. It’s as if it guided us throughout our entire journey and still does to this day.
Adina would describe this energy as two souls recognizing each others as soul mates. This energy pulled me back to her even though my logical mind told me more than once “Screw her after all she did and said…”.
#4 Attraction – “Something I can’t get enough of”
Attraction for a person can come from so many things; some of which are listed in this article. It is more than just the outer appearance, it’s the person as a whole. It is everything that makes them who they are.
In another recent study it was found that ‘unique’ often equals “most attractive”. My theory is that the more “real” someone becomes, the more natural someone acts, the more someone becomes of the true self, the more their uniqueness can shine through.
Adina & I did a quite personal video on this topic for our latest newsletter:
#5 Synchronicity – “Where it really matters”
While a certain degree of diversity is important, I believe its key to have areas where you and your partner are in sync.
Whenever it comes to important decisions (e.g. our relationship, moving to Bali, our son Jonah, our friends, MyTinySecrets, etc.) there always seems to be a synchronicity between the two of us. This makes us a super powerful team.
By synchronicity I mean that in critical situation both Adina and I are always in tune. It never happened once (when it was crucial) that I wanted something she did not want.
ARE THESE ATTRIBUTES UNIVERSAL? PROBABLY NOT.
Of course all of these things might not be universal but they work for me. They make Adina and I an awesome team. They are the reasons why she is the most “beautiful” (in a holistic sense) and valuable person in my life. I wouldn’t be with her today if it was just for the looks.
More and more people are reaching out to us because they are having a hard time finding the right partner. All I can say is: Every person is unique and has different needs. If you’re having a hard time finding the right partner, it might be due to the fact that you are looking in the wrong direction, not noticing the subtle signs.
Our addiction to “beauty” (the superficial kind of beauty) often times doesn’t allow us to see the essence of a person which can be very subtle. We have to learn to tune into these subtle signs again. (intuition, gut feeling, energy – how does a person feel?)
We have created a powerful relationship despite all the challenges, what does your relationship look like?