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Home  »  Conscious Relationships   »   Why You Shouldn’t Give A Fuck About Looks

Why You Shouldn’t Give A Fuck About Looks

Posted by Oliver Rivers on July 6, 2014 in Conscious Relationships 18 Comments

true-beauty-OA

Oliver Rivers
The Author

Oliver Rivers

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About Me

A friend, father and partner on a journey to regain his freedom. A freedom of the mind. A freedom only I can give myself. Would love to hear your opinion on my article.

We are living in a world that cares too much about things that don’t really matter.

In this blog post I’ll share my thoughts on the importance of looks and the (insignificant) role it played for me in choosing a partner.

Why do I feel the urge to do so? For the simple fact that I think we, as humanity, are moving in a direction that has become way too superficial. This is not just causing lots of confusion and frustration, but also tons of problems.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR? #Nnnnnot

A great representation of how “far” humanity has come, is the old saying “You Are What You Wear” which seems to be the mainstream way of living instead of seeing things in a more holistic way like “Do not judge a book by it’s cover”.

It seems almost as if you are worth more the better you look. Sad, don’t you think? Especially when knowing that “beauty” is something relative, fleeting and highly distorted in today’s society.

For many, the physical appearance of a person has become THE major factor for choosing a partner. This puts a lot of attention towards external attraction and leads to people spending excessively in an effort to look amazing. I am not saying that there is necessarily something wrong with that logic, but I am saying there is so much more to a person.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE IS ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG

Today, after more than 10 years in an amazing but very challenging relationship, it’s more than obvious to me that there is so much more to finding a partner. In fact I know that a relationship based on physical attraction alone will not be able to weather the storms that often come along in a long-term and authentic intimate relationship.

In my eyes, looks play a very small supporting role in the lifespan of a relationship. Based on my experiences I have developed my own theory of what makes a person beautiful and capable of thriving in a relationship.

THE TOP 5 ATTRIBUTES FOR A THRIVING RELATIONSHIP

In today’s society, the predominant factors for choosing the right partner have been reduced to things like visual appearance, material belongings, success, etc. Things that in my opinion do not really matter if you are serious about a relationship. If you ask me what makes Adina, my partner, so special to me and how our relationship has weathered the biggest storms I would base it on these top 5 attributes :

#1 Intellect – “Smart & Independent”

It’s key for me that my partner is capable of not just keeping up with me but capable of challenging me intellectually. Sparking new thoughts and ideas as life unfolds. Does my partner inspires me and challenges me to become more of what I am? For me it’s a “Hell Yes!” and one of the crucial elements to a thriving relationship.

#2 Diversity – “Offers a different perspective”

Diversity is a crucial element to a thriving relationship. In fact there is a study which analyzed the synergies of different couples and researched which types of couples were able to weather the storms of life. The result was this:

Diversity + Same interests = Potentially powerful long-term relationship.

This means that partners with very different character traits but same interests would have an easier time to weather the storms of life than those who were very similar to each other. (e.g. both partners extroverted or both very introverted)

For my relationship with Adina this theory fits perfectly. Adina is an extroverted person and I am rather introverted, but we both share a passion for hip hop music, basketball, the universe and traveling the world.

Diversity helps lovers challenge each other. And it are these challenges that help uncover our true self. Overcoming challenges together is one of the most powerful bonds to develop in a relationship. Sharing similar interests helps bonding with the partner when times are tough.

If it wasn’t for Adina I might still be stuck in the vicious corporate carrier cycle. I might still eat the same foods. I might still be the same person I was back then if Adina wouldn’t have challenged me as much as she did by just being who she is. It’s a tough journey but key for me to reach my full potential.

This aspect can be life changing! Each time you overcome a challenge you are expanding your horizon.

#3 Energy – “Resonates with me”

Since day one Adina and I were connected. I still can’t really describe what this energetic bond was, but it made me look past the difficulties we had in the beginning of our relationship. In the absence of this energy, we wouldn’t have lasted more than 6 months. It’s as if it guided us throughout our entire journey and still does to this day.

Adina would describe this energy as two souls recognizing each others as soul mates. This energy pulled me back to her even though my logical mind told me more than once “Screw her after all she did and said…”.

#4 Attraction – “Something I can’t get enough of”

Attraction for a person can come from so many things; some of which are listed in this article. It is more than just the outer appearance, it’s the person as a whole. It is everything that makes them who they are.

In another recent study it was found that ‘unique’ often equals “most attractive”. My theory is that the more “real” someone becomes, the more natural someone acts, the more someone becomes of the true self, the more their uniqueness can shine through.

Adina & I did a quite personal video on this topic for our latest newsletter:

#5 Synchronicity – “Where it really matters”

While a certain degree of diversity is important, I believe its key to have areas where you and your partner are in sync.

Whenever it comes to important decisions (e.g. our relationship, moving to Bali, our son Jonah, our friends, MyTinySecrets, etc.) there always seems to be a synchronicity between the two of us. This makes us a super powerful team.

By synchronicity I mean that in critical situation both Adina and I are always in tune. It never happened once (when it was crucial) that I wanted something she did not want.

ARE THESE ATTRIBUTES UNIVERSAL? PROBABLY NOT.

Of course all of these things might not be universal but they work for me. They make Adina and I an awesome team. They are the reasons why she is the most “beautiful” (in a holistic sense) and valuable person in my life. I wouldn’t be with her today if it was just for the looks.

More and more people are reaching out to us because they are having a hard time finding the right partner. All I can say is: Every person is unique and has different needs. If you’re having a hard time finding the right partner, it might be due to the fact that you are looking in the wrong direction, not noticing the subtle signs.

Our addiction to “beauty” (the superficial kind of beauty) often times doesn’t allow us to see the essence of a person which can be very subtle. We have to learn to tune into these subtle signs again. (intuition, gut feeling, energy – how does a person feel?)

We have created a powerful relationship despite all the challenges, what does your relationship look like?

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Share Your Thoughts

  • Pete J. Probe

    “I love a good looking woman but theres so much more to it ,” That`s exactly my experience…. Wonderful article by `Haelthy & Happy?´…….

  • Rioh4

    I love a good looking woman but theres so much more to it ,

    my partner has become more beautiful on my eye the more she has become a beautiful energy and person. A loving smile means a lot more than a polished face to me she is the best and most beautiful in the world i just wish she felt the same about me.!

  • INTJINFJ

    On the whole, I would agree with these elements (and, for me, yet a few more actually) needing to be present for at all having a shot at a relationship of the serious kind. The “right” looks however (I mean plainly physical, no so much clothing etc) also must be present; there are a few physical elements I simple cannot deal with. Wonder if I’m more like men are said to be in that regard …? Never identified much with that being unimportant either way – on the other hand the best looks can *become* unattractive when there’s no substance behind them. Too, being too perfect isn’t attractive either.

    Also would like to take the opportunity to share an article I read a while ago, which resonated fully with me, and that came to mind now when reading your lines about “soul mates”.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brooke-hampton/dont-marry-your-soul-mate_b_6004132.html

  • Carl

    That’s a great article, unfortunately I don’t think it applies to modern society, and modern people’s perception in meeting a partner.

    I’m not a “good” looking guy(at least I don’t consider myself to be one), I’m 25 and I’m ashamed of the fact that until this age I never had a girlfriend. Why ?
    I’m not an introvert, I’m a social person, it’s not difficult to make friends, but my whole life I never trusted myself, I don’t like the way I look, so I always thought that I would have no chance with a beautiful girl, and instead of making “a fool of myself”, I never really tried to approach anyone, didn’t dare to ask a person out or something, despite of having no problem talking with girls.

    The fear of being perceived as desperate, pathetic, or the fear of rejection, and of “making a fool of myself” trapped me, and never tried to take a risk.

    I understand now that it matters how you perceive yourself, if you have low self esteem, and you think you’re ugly, or not smart enough, or not interesting enough, you’ll live thinking everyone will see you as you see yourself.

    This “problem” bothers me for a while now, especially since everyone that I know is in a relationship with someone.

  • Todd Johnson

    Looks are over rated. What somebody calls ugly, somebody else calls beautiful. I take functionality over fashion anytime. If you have a great car but it won’t run, it’s useless, but if you have an old POS truck like i do that gets me from a to b and back, it’s the best thing in the world. Now women are basically the same. If you have a super model girlfriend that is dumb as a brick and can’t cook or clean and is lousy in bed, useless. But if you have a Beauty Queen, like I do (my opinion, but others have told her as well) that is intellectual, can cook and sexy as hell and great in bed, you have gold. We work together well, we are in love with each other. We don’t just love each other, we are IN live with each other, and are very compatible. But even if she wasn’t as attractive as she is, I would still love her like I do now. We are best friends, and that makes wonderful lovers to me, no matter how we look.

  • Awe thank you for sharing, LOVE everything you guys stand for. You both are beautiful in my eyes, INSIDE and OUT!
    Namaste

  • Daria

    Your video resonated so much with me, it made me cry, because it is so genuine. Your relationship is truly beautiul in every sense. Blessings to you both!

  • Jonathan

    All of the items mentioned in the article are great things, and definitely things that I look for in my own relationships, but “looks” is also apart of it and something to “give a fuck about”. Looks do matter, *along with* all the rest of the stuff. It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.

    Beauty is a sacred thing, and a celebrated thing. Perhaps media and our culture have gone to weird places in celebrating lumps of bones, muscle and flesh in empty ways…but who cares? We all have the capacity to determine what is beautiful for us and to appreciate physical beauty in our own lives.

    In my experience, to bask in the physical beauty of a woman is such an energizing, peaceful, exhilarating and spiritual experience. And that includes everything from her sense of style, to how she carries herself, to her hair, her smell and her body. To be in that quiet space with a woman and to acknowledge her beauty, to have the privilege of witnessing her – I wouldn’t want to live without it. To dismiss that dishonors a part of who we are as physical creatures…the world is full of beauty and we are naturally drawn to beauty. I couldn’t imagine being with a woman, or marrying a woman I did not unreservedly consider beautiful. That would seem like a dishonoring situation if someone was to say on their wedding day, “I think you’re terribly ugly, but you’ve got a great mind and personality!”. At the same time, I couldn’t imagine being with a woman I thought was stupid, rude, boring, cruel, unhygienic, etc. Looks, personality, values, intelligence, and whatever else we decide *are all* part of the mix of beauty and attraction.

    Looks also signal how a person feels about themselves. People who have good self-esteem and are happy do things to take care of themselves, stay clean, groomed, and dress in ways that enhance their appearance, are fun and creative and express their personality. It’s a good measure of whether a person cares about how they live and how they conduct themselves. A man or woman putting effort into how they appear is expressing themselves, their personality, their mind, and ultimately their soul, in a physical way. It’s just something we can’t get away from as physical beings. It’s easy to tell insecure people from their looks as well.

    Both of you are clearly beautiful, attractive, good looking people and you present yourselves that way on this website and in the video. So you’ve already got that covered, it’s there and it’s one item off the checklist so to speak. Imagine if you woke up one morning and told Adina that these past 10 years you thought she was ugly, but you didn’t give a fuck, cause she had other things going for her. It might not go over so well. That wouldn’t seem very caring thing to do. That may even start to unravel everything that you had been building over the past 10 years and all these other things that are valuable to you. My guess is that you honestly find her beautiful, AND she’s got lots of other awesome stuff going for her as well. If she didn’t have other awesome stuff going for her, you may find her beautiful, but you wouldn’t have gotten into a 10 year relationship with her.

  • good points! it is not about looks in the end. it may draw you to a person but it does not keep you there.

    • featurex

      Hey Eloquent, thanks for stopping by … exactly you got my point 🙂

  • Sorry hun,

    but I can make a case for why looks DO matter. After my
    divorce, I started dating guys thinking that its what’s on the inside that
    matters, so I looked for a high intellect, education, a big heart, and all that
    other sensible stuff. But dating men I thought were proper, and had the right
    credentials, was making me miserable. Sure, they were on my professional and
    socioeconomic level, and could impress my friends and family, but I just wasn’t
    having fun.

    Then, around age 40, I became self-actualized, I threw the
    opinions of others out the window, and started following my bliss. I actually
    started to have fun, dating young, hot, beautiful men. Some had brains, but
    most had not. Some were self-aware, others were not. But as I analyzed the
    stage I was going through, I realized the reason I was no longer interested in
    what’s on the inside of a man, and more focused on looks. I realized, that as a
    successful, independent woman, I already possessed the qualities I was looking
    for in a man (high education, success, high IQ, intellect, confidence, ability,
    a strong sense of right and wrong, morality, a wide circle of friends, etc). I
    no longer needed a man to complete me with these characteristics because I AM
    complete.

    And so, no matter how hard I tried to appreciate those
    qualities in men, they were just not inspiring me to have a relationship. Then
    I reached the stage of life most men reach, when they become more indulgent.
    They grown a pony tail, buy a Porsche, and start dating pretty, little things.
    No one would be able to convince these men that they should date sensibly (a
    woman their own age, with a high intellect, big heart or inner beauty). Most
    self actualized men could convince you that that
    is the beauty of life- being able to enjoy a young woman simply because she
    makes him feel younger, sexy, virile, and joyful.

    So here I am, dating former models, athletes with big
    biceps, enjoying their outer beauty, their physical prowess and absolutely
    enjoying life! These younger hotties have given me something my
    well-credentialed, ethical, husband with a big heart could not: hot sex,
    beautiful bodies, incredible fun, adventure, all the stuff that makes life
    worth living. After all, when I am old, dying on my death bed, what will I
    regret the most? That I didn’t do what
    is proper? No. I will regret being once young, having a beautiful body too, and
    not enjoying every single minute of it.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that what is on the
    inside of a human being is unimportant. But I think we as women, have been
    conditioned for centuries to appreciate men for traits which no longer serve us.
    Religion, culture, and our parents teach us that it is important to appreciate
    the inner qualities such as intellect, a moral compass, loyalty, emotional
    strength, etc. But now that most women are better educated than their
    counterparts, earning their own living, and becoming more independent, it is
    absolutely fantastic that we are learning how to complete ourselves, enjoy our
    lives, our sexuality, our bodies and create adventures of our own. Now that I
    am at the stage in my life, where it is all about me and my own pleasure, there
    is nothing that I appreciate more than those superficial qualities of a man:
    physical beauty, an athletic build, biceps, a sexy smile, oh, and that other
    little appendage that makes me smile.

    Most women might disagree with me here, but as the rare
    woman who is not hunting for a husband, nor in a frantic panic to procreate, I
    have no other need from a man. I exist for those simple life’s pleasures and
    sure, they may seem superficial to some, but to me, there is nothing more beautiful
    than an early morning hug form a set of rock-heard biceps, and a beautiful face
    to say good morning.

    You might argue that this does not constitute real love, but I beg to
    differ. As someone who was previously in a marriage with a man who possessed a
    beautiful mind and a beautiful heart, I can attest that a beautiful face and
    body are to be appreciated as well. Some people choose a Volvo because it is
    safe, reliable, and a quality car, and there is nothing wrong with that choice.
    Others splurge on a Lamborghini and risk it all for the epic thrill that makes
    life worth living- I choose the later

    • featurex

      Hey Godiva,

      thanks for sharing your view on things. That’s the beauty of life, there are infinite ways of living and enjoying it and none of them are THE way. Same goes for choosing a partner.

      Glad to hear that you found your way. Enjoy it to the fullest.

      I had “connections” in the past where it was mainly about looks, and that just didn’t cut it for me – I was missing out on too much. As fast as these people came into my life they where gone again. As said I need somebody that is on par with me on every level. Adina & I are spending so much time with each other so it couldn’t be any other way.

      We stepped out of the system many years ago and are totally independent. We don’t care much about what society, religion or other people say. All we do is learn from life itself and share our findings from being in a real long-term relationship dedicated to growth.

      And if we’re talking cars, I’d rather stick with my SUV and when I feel the need for a Lamborghini I just get one for a couple of days. Once the road gets bumpy a Lambo simply wouldn’t do 😉

      All the best,
      Oliver

      • Yeah, that IS the beauty of life- making our own choices, changing our minds, exploring and freedom! The goal is to live your way, and shed conventional beliefs. Best to you both!

      • asana crystal

        Absolutely align with your response. The surface stuff alone just doesn’t cut it for me. I deserve the full package 🙂 you guys make such a beautiful couple btw.

  • So beautiful seeing you both share your vulnerable & intimate Selves on video – Blessings, bYOUtifull souls ♥ ♥

    • featurex

      Hey Kit, stay tuned there is much more to come … How do you see the importance of “looks”?

  • Silenus

    This article rings very true for me. The attributes you mention are at the root of our emotional, intellectual, and physical attraction that is still going strong midway through our fifth decade together. It is also what has allowed us to run a couple of businesses, raise children and grandchildren, volunteer with a variety of nonprofits, and generally enjoy exploring life.

    The attributes you mention have, in my opinion, allowed us to question conventional “wisdom” at a number of levels. We are mixed race, polyamrous, sex positive activists, and have worked for ourselves mostly, monetizing our passions so that we are mostly doing what we want most of the time.

    I recognize that most people are not living their lives as we do. In part, it is because they may not have had our good fortune in some ways – good education, enough if not a lot of money, and reasonable intelligence. Or they never thought it was possible without unacceptable risk. But it may also be that some people, due to nature and/or nurture, simply don’t pair bond strongly. For them serial relationships or “solo polyamory” make more sense than long term relationships. I think it is important to try to understand and accept these people instead of marginalizing and disparaging them. Maybe some of them want to be fixed, but maybe many of them don’t think they are broken.

    • featurex

      Hey Silenus, totally resonate with what you are saying … Having a relationship like this can be something very powerful. For Adina and me it evolved naturally, a process that I am sure will never end.

      Whatever path one decides to choose it’s fine – since there is no universal right way of doing things. I for myself have just decided that this is the right way to go.

      Hope to see you around …

      Oliver

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