You Say “Flawed”, He Says “Sexy”: What Men Really Think About Your Body
About Me
Claire Casey has spent years traveling the sometimes dazzling, sometimes dark and rocky paths that connect the hearts of men to the women they love. As a lifelong writer, she has studied and written about the ways men and women grow (or destroy) love. Unlike the spotlight-loving, entertainment-based celebrity relationship coaches, Claire isn't a model or a TV spokesperson, and she doesn't have a lot of academic letters after her name... She just quietly empowers women to attract the kind of man who will treasure and protect a woman's heart like the rare and beautiful gem it is.This may come as a shock to you but guys have different eyeballs than you do.
You know why I’m saying that?
Because when YOU look at yourself in the mirror, you see that front tooth that’s a bit crooked, the line where your bra presses in (you call this your ‘back fat’), the too-small breasts or the too-wide rear, your goofy knees, funny toes…. The list goes on and on.
But you know what your MAN sees?
A woman he’d love to strip naked and get busy with right this instant, maybe sooner.
MY PERSONAL BODY PART CONFESSION..
Maybe you have a muffin top ‘thing,’ but I used to HATE my feet.
When I was a teenager, I had surgery on my big toes (bunions, it’s such an ugly word!!) and for the next 20 years I zealously covered my feet. I never EVER owned a pair of sandals or open-toed shoes and would have died before I let a man openly look at my feet.
I have a big scar running the length of both big toes. My second toe is longer. My feet are… wanky. You know. Ugh, I could make myself MISERABLE thinking about my feet.
Shockingly, amazingly, wonderfully, I found a man actually willing (he would say, desperate!) to marry me.
I hope you’re laughing now, but at the time, I found it next to impossible to think about what kind of man would marry me ‘even with these feet.’
3 WAYS MEN SEE YOUR BODY
If you asked my man which of my physical attributes attracted him, it’s really hard for him to move past the standard T&A answer you’d probably get from any man. You can almost see a physical effort as he drags his sex-craving brain past the chest, past the butt, and FINALLY he’ll tell you something like,
‘She has gorgeous shoulders…’
I bet he didn’t even know I had scars on my feet for the first 10 years we were married.
Here’s the thing: Men see your body in three ways, and it’s nothing like the way you see yourself.
#1 They see what makes you WOMANLY
This means when they look at you they instantly notice the things about your body that make you uniquely a woman. Breasts, hips, ass, curves… Even the way you walk. It’s nearly impossible for a red-blooded heterosexual male to notice anything before they read the parts of your body that say: I am a woman.
Your arm flaps do not make this list.
Your cellulite does not make this list.
Your stretch marks do not make this list.
Sorry.
#2 They see what makes you UNIQUE
That chipped tooth you hate? They think it’s kind of charming.
The muffin top? They can’t see it because it’s too near your ass, which they think is the finest thing in nine counties.
Do you think your lips are too thin? They just love it when you smile at them. (And truthfully, when they think about your lips on their body, they are NOT thinking ‘Oh her lips are too thin.’ I PROMISE.)
If guys notice a particular body part of yours that you think makes you hideous (and I guarantee you they would never use that term) they just think it makes you uniquely… you! And since it’s YOU they are desperate for, they want that part of you as much as the others.
#3 They see what you constantly draw their attention to
This is where you have the power to rock or ruin a relationship.
When you constantly complain about your own body, a man’s desire to enjoy and love you are being eroded a little at a time. In other words, you’re rejecting him.
He thinks, ‘I could touch her body all day,’ and you say, ‘I’m too flabby.’
You’re not only tearing yourself down, you’re tearing HIM – his thoughts, his desires for you, his excitement about you – down.
And it works the other way, too. Show off your pedicure (I do, now!), go sleeveless, wear that backless dress, and ruthlessly tease him with the body he absolutely adores.
A MAN LOVES A REAL WOMAN
Of course he looks at the naked, ‘perfect’ girls in the magazine or online. And of course you’re bombarded with ‘perfect’ skinny chicks on the runway or the billboard.
But a picture of perfection – whether it’s real or not – is no competition whatsoever for a living, breathing, fragrant woman sitting next to a man at a restaurant. Or pressed slightly against him in the elevator. Perfection can go hang; you are up close and personal.
Stepford wives are creepy. You can be assured that while he might fantasize about a playmate of the month, he’ll take a real woman over a figment of his imagination EVERY time.
Celebrate your body (and let him do it, too)!
Of course you want to invest time and energy into a healthy, beautiful body. But meanwhile, don’t let your own issues with your body drive him away. You deserve all the fabulous man-attention as he wants to give you!
Republished with permission, courtesy of Claire Casey / Image Credit: Neville Clarke
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Editor’s Note: You might want to read about this powerful, ancient old secret. For real woman only.
By the way: If you are fed up with society making you feel as if you are flawed check out this picture:
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LOVE this article and the comments from the men on how they see their partners. SO helpful! I didn’t want to walk around nekket in front of my man because all I saw were my flaws. And I believed he’d see them just as I do. Mind you, I love his body as it is “flaws” and all (they are not flaws to me, but to the movie industry he wouldn’t be cast as a leading man. I on the ohter hand love his body)…but I couldn’t wrap my head around him loving mine just as it is. Because men are far more visual then women are. But it didn’t occur to me that when man is in love with a woman, he loves all of her (as some said, her mind, her creativity, her kindness….etc…..including what she thinks are physical flaws. In fact he doesn’t even see them (unless we continue to complain about them and draw attention to them…which luckily I have not done).
My man had a broken piece of Formica counter top. It was like that for weeks. The broken piece and the glue had been sitting on the counter for all that time. I finally just fixed it one morning…but I didn’t say anything. When he went into the kitchen he frantically asked what happened to the loose piece. I said, “Oh, I glued it in place.” He looked at me with THEE most loving eyes and told me that was one of the sexiest things EVER. I’m not going to lie…I was totally confused by that, but that let me know men don’t always find high heeled shoes and short dresses…….sexy.
Those of you that posted about how much you love your woman’s body the way it is have opened my mind..and closed my eyes to what I see in the mirror. I’m not going to try to avoid being seen any more.
Thank you.
I must confess…I met the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH…FOR ALL OF TIME. She just happens to live next door (which can be a blessing…AND a curse…believe me!). I’ve done 2 deployments in the Navy and been halfway around the world and back….TWICE. I have never encountered a woman of her beauty. EVER. I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to find stories from other men who have had this experience. It is altogether different from any other experience on earth. A woman’s body can be the PINNACLE of beauty….for me it’s HER. HANDS DOWN, NO CONTEST ABSOLUTELY THE MOST STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS WOMAN I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
I came across this article and I must say, it’s very insightful….especially for a guy in my situation. She wears dresses and twirls for me….wears different perfumes on her neck and has me smell them…I feel like the luckiest guy on earth. I have met and rubbed the feet of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. I think she’s put a spell on me. I can’t think clearly….I’m not always myself around her because I’m so absolutely stunned at her beauty. There are moments she literally takes my breath away! I’ve told her this…several times. I insist that I’m not trying to get into her pants….and I’m honestly not! I don’t tell her hoping for anything in return. She could even tell me she hates my guts…I would STILL BE COMPELLED to tell her exactly how AMAZINGLY gorgeous she is. It’s difficult to think about ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL but her. I’m transfixed by her…mesmerized…hypnotized…in awe. I know that I will never see anyone who will EVER REMOTELY come close to being as beautiful as her. It simply isn’t possible.
I didn’t feel emotions the first 2 weeks, but now the more we hang out the more I think I’m starting to fall for her. We’re just friends right now….and it may stay that way….but I sincerely hope it goes further. She knows how I feel (I communicate and spill my guts to her), but I can’t quite tell where this will lead. Honestly, I’m not worried about where it leads right now. I’m just honestly supremely grateful for EVERY SINGLE SECOND that I get to be around her.
I’m not obsessive…when she’s out with her friends, I don’t text. I try to be respectful. Even when she IS home, I don’t go over there every chance I get….too much neighbor hanging around all the time could be annoying or worse…suffocating. I want to be a positive thing in her life, not a negative.
However….I have a sneaky suspicion that she is prone to flattery and may only be keeping me around to give her compliments. And to be friends. I’m afraid to feel anything for her because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, but I’d also be more than willing to give it a shot with her if I knew she was open to it. The problem? She uses ONLY non-verbal communication. I don’t know a thing about how she may or may not feel. So for now I’m content to rub her feet, give her compliments and drink in the view.
I must confess…I met the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH…FOR ALL OF TIME. She just happens to live next door (which can be a blessing…AND a curse…believe me!). I’ve done 2 deployments in the Navy and been halfway around the world and back….TWICE. I have never encountered a woman of her beauty. EVER. I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to find stories from other men who have had this experience. It is altogether different from any other experience on earth. A woman’s body can be the PINNACLE of beauty….for me it’s HER. HANDS DOWN, NO CONTEST ABSOLUTELY THE MOST STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS WOMAN I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
I came across this article and I must say, it’s very insightful….especially for a guy in my situation. She wears dresses and twirls for me….wears different perfumes on her neck and has me smell them…I feel like the luckiest guy on earth. I have met and rubbed the feet of THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. I think she’s put a spell on me. I can’t think clearly….I’m not always myself around her because I’m so absolutely stunned at her beauty. There are moments she literally takes my breath away! I’ve told her this…several times. I insist that I’m not trying to get into her pants….and I’m honestly not! I don’t tell her hoping for anything in return. She could even tell me she hates my guts…I would STILL BE COMPELLED to tell her exactly how AMAZINGLY gorgeous she is. It’s difficult to think about ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL but her. I’m transfixed by her…mesmerized…hypnotized…in awe. I know that I will never see anyone who will EVER REMOTELY come close to being as beautiful as her. It simply isn’t possible.
I didn’t feel emotions the first 2 weeks, but now the more we hang out the more I think I’m starting to fall for her. We’re just friends right now….and it may stay that way….but I sincerely hope it goes further. She knows how I feel (I communicate and spill my guts to her), but I can’t quite tell where this will lead. Honestly, I’m not worried about where it leads right now. I’m just honestly supremely grateful for EVERY SINGLE SECOND that I get to be around her.
I’m not obsessive…when she’s out with her friends, I don’t text. I try to be respectful. Even when she IS home, I don’t go over there every chance I get….too much neighbor hanging around all the time could be annoying or worse…suffocating. I want to be a positive thing in her life, not a negative.
However….I have a sneaky suspicion that she is prone to flattery and may only be keeping me around to give her compliments. And to be friends. I’m afraid to feel anything for her because I don’t want to ruin the friendship, but I’d also be more than willing to give it a shot with her if I knew she was open to it. The problem? She uses ONLY non-verbal communication. I don’t know a thing about how she may or may not feel. So for now I’m content to rub her feet, give her compliments and drink in the view.
Another thing….she may be dating other guys. Not sure, but it’s starting to be on my mind….like a thorn. It’s because I’m beginning to feel strongly for her, but I don’t want to be possessive of her….it’s her life. She can do what she wants.
I learnt this when I met my fiancee. My soulmate. I have a big BLACK (jet black) birthmark on my right breast, it covers just above my nipple towards my chest. I had always been scared of letting a man see this, I even swore to have it surgically removed before meeting anyone. When I first got ‘aqcuinted’ with my fiancee. He was instantly connected with it, he paid attention to it, calling it his favourite, caressing and kissing it. I never understood how a man could love a part of me that was so flawed and ugly. He persuaded me into keeping it. 5 years later, he still feels the same. And lets not get unto the feet…..or my flabby stomach. But ladies, make sure you appreciate a man who appreciates you- flaws and all.
This is beautiful, thank you for sharing <3
Some women take this kind of unadulterated admiration and use it for a license to trample a man’s feelings. Some can even become downright abusive. I was married to such a woman. She was beautiful to me in all ways except when she acted ugly (verbally and otherwise abusive), which became often. She took for granted the complements, the little special and extra things I did not just to “make” her happy, but because I wanted to let her know how much she meant to me. It just got worse and worse and after 8 years (the last few were the worst) I finally came to the realization that my kindness was being misunderstood as weakness and capitalized upon. I had to leave at a certain point, when she told me that I had no rights to have feelings or to expect to be treated as an equal in my own house. It seems like if you give many people (regardless of sex) too much of a good thing, they will just expect more until it becomes abusive. Someone else (a professional) had to point it out to me what was happening, and they were right.
You were married to a jerk. If you had done all this for me you would have been tired (but smiling all the time like my man is now). Sorry you had to go through all that.
Wow, you needed someone to point that out to you? I always think people who treat someone who cares about the badly is missing a few screws. Don’t worry about her, there are still beautiful women out there who are looking for someone like you.
I love this article and I’m so encouraged by it. I’m in the mist of a pretty steamy courtship, which is causing me to pick my self apart more than ever. I’m slender everywhere else, but my body likes to store ‘reserves’ in my toosh and tummy. (I’d MUCH rather it be in my boobs, but who doesn’t?) He’s extremely affectionate with me (even in public), but I can’t help but wish I was hotter. Mainly because he’s got movie-star good looks and guys like him usually date 10’s. He flirted with me for 5 years, before I let my guard down with him. Maybe he doesn’t mind a little more butt and tummy, but I’m still shy when he wants to see my body, which is all the time!
How do you know you’re not a 10 in his eyes? I know women like to complicate things, but just accept that he actually LIKES you. He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t. Btw, even the “10’s” have flaws. Every single person on the planet does.
I know your reply is 3 months old, but I’m just now reading it. Thank you very, very much. He’s still chasing me, so maybe he does like me a teeny, tiny bit. 🙂
ugh #1… please no.
I don’t have any arm flaps, cellulite, stretch marks.
But I don’t have any boobs, ass or curves either.
Not looking “Womanly” really sucks.
That’s suffering.
I know right.
Womanly can be more than a body. It can be the way you carry yourself. Your face. “Real” women are those who identify themselves as women. That is all.
If I give you 10% of my butt you will have enough.
This article is great! I have a better understanding of what my boyfriend’s mindset is now vs. my own doubts and insecurities!
it really boosts my confidence… now i will try to enjoy the beauty of intercourse without any hesitation about physical appearance… thanks you all. thank you so much 🙂 I Love You.
I am told by many people that I am pretty, but I had a bad past that as much as I try not to gets in the way of my self confidence. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and he has only ever said anything about my looks whenever I bring it up. Not that I was fishing for compliments or anything I just had a genuine concern, and he always just blows it off. From reading this article and the comments, men who care do exist, and I think my boyfriend cares but it is very hard to hear that I am attractive from people who are strangers as opposed to those that I love.
THANK YOU. <3
After reading your comment I felt rather sad. What an asshole! Nobody is perfect, everybody has flaws.
Just gotta accept yourself as you are, if you don’t you will not be happy. For me it’s actually been years since I’ve looked down upon my body because I am me. I hope you do the same. 🙂
now how is what minimishra mentioned “a flaw”?
Out of curiosity to the guys here, do you find the picture at the top attractive? My body is very similar, but I’ve always been self-conscious about my tummy.
I personally think that’s the perfect body.
Hi Allison, definitely! If you look like that then keep doing what your doing.
Enjoy…
I read recently where men are not attracted to an “image” of a woman but are attracted to the “whole person” which includes not only her body, but also her personality, her intellect, her sense of humor and her outlook on life. I see women in public that are physically attractive, but I am not attracted to them, because I don’t KNOW them. How can I be attracted to someone that is a mystery to me? This may sound crazy, but the only reason I would go looking for a partner is if I were unsatisfied with my wife, which I am NOT!!! The old adage that “happy men” don’t seek a new partner is absolutely correct. As mentioned in this and other articles on this site, a real man should be in love with the whole package, rather than an image of just physicality. Evolution has hardwired men to be attracted to women when we are alone, and I really think that when we are fulfilled by our mate, we really don’t spend mental energy looking for something new. If a man does that, I think he is to be avoided and the woman in a situation like that should not take it personally, especially with regard to how she thinks she looks, because she is NOT the problem.
Dear Allison, I have been in conflict with the idea of a perfect female body as imposed by today’s conventions all my adult life. Trust me, there are many men who think that a woman with a body like the picture you point to is very attractive and is actually quite erotic. And, yes, your tummy can be quite sexy! There, I said it… 🙂
Yes. 🙂
This is 100% accurate, my girlfriend is so hard on herself and I constintly compliment her on her looks, I am absolutely 100% attracted to her and I actually see what she will call flaws as her unique features. I mean after all would I be with a woman I was not attracted to? Of course not. Women are way too hard on themselves but I blame that on the media and all these photoshopped “perfect bodies”.
This is very true! I’m guilty!
Explaining how a man sees anything would be difficult to explain using only emotion words, because most of it isn’t even emotion-related. Think of a house that is filled with boxes, and none of the boxes touch each other. Guys have a box for this and that, and each emotion is in a separate box, and only a few boxes at that. Some boxes can be opened at the same time, but generally one is closed before another is opened. Things get too messy if more than a few boxes are open, and emotion is closed most of the time. There is an enormous world outside of emotion that men have and dwell in freely. If you’re trying to gauge how a man sees woman’s body, you’re opening two boxes at once, and not really getting it..
Love this post. So right on about the way real men look at the woman they love.
My ex used to compliment my looks all the time, but he didn’t want to touch me. He had zero sex drive, so I believe it was just words he was using to compensate. I think that a man with a normal libido can get turned on by a “real” woman, but too many men these days are brainwashed by media and porn. And at 32, I’m guessing that most if not all of these good, “healthy” men are taken.
I have this issue with my 2nd husband, and as much as I know he really means it when he says he finds me attractive, the lack of actions to back it up puts a very negative spin on things. I have zero body confidence, in fact I cant remember the last time I actively liked anything about my body – my guess is well before my 1st marriage – which was almost 20 years ago.
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How about not giving a shit about what men think of women’s bodies? Women should NEVER depend on men’s opinions of themselves for their own self-worth. What year is this again? 1950?
Women, please take a moment and stand in front of your mirror. Decide to love yourself. It’s a hard thing to do, it might take years, and it might be a battle, but never wait for a man or a partner to tell you that you are a priceless human being, perfect in all of your (and I emphasize the quotations) “imperfections.”
I wish to determine my own self-worth, thank-you-very-much.
I genuinely hope the author does not really believe what she writes. She is a talented writer, and I hope her writing leads her on a journey where she realizes HER own self-worth, regardless of “what men really think.”
I love how a woman who wants a man to love her for her body is now critisized. “You’re so shallow” or “What is this? The 1950’s?” or “I hope she’s not being serious”.
It used to be that it was alright for a women to feel empowered by the way she looked, that she could make herself pretty for her man (or her woman) and no one would care. But people are so worked up about women’s rights, that they don’t care what or who they destroy in their quest to “make things right”.
It’s kind of sad.
I don’t see how not caring about a man’s opinion on your looks is “destroying things” but you do you.
Not caring about a man’s opinion is fine. But the person I replied to was opening criticizing a lady for doing the opposite. So it’s fine not to care about a man’s opinion, but the moment a woman does care about what her husband/boyfriend/partner thinks then it’s bad?
Try to read my whole comment and not the last twelve or so words of it. Then again, you could just keep doing you, whatever works.
Um, you can be empowered and love your own body, but also want to know how *others* see it. You may very well see yourself as a priceless human being (and we all are). But this article addresses more the *f*ckability” issue, which can be separate from the “I’m a priceless human being” thing.
Oh yes, because people can throw off a lifetime of constant social conditioning by just looking in the mirror and deciding that they’re done.
…Unfortunately, there are many men who are not ‘quality’ men. I’m referring to the narcissists. Both of my ex-husbands were super narcissists (and not good looking themselves either) and they would check on my flaws….Especially my second ex, would get turned off by a few spider veins I had on my lower legs! And my last boyfriend (whom I broke it off and now we remain friends only) was a sociopath and would get bored easily. He’d get off only with provocative, super slutty women but he wanted me because I filled in for his ‘mom’…He is a Peter Pan who btw, is happy getting off by himself too as long as he’s next to his beloved computer….
He was turned off by the extra fat I carry on my hips (saddlebags) even though I have a fit body but I have mediterranean spot fat so he didnt like that. I also have saggy breasts – something I had from a young age and so he’d rarely touch my breasts!!!
I didnt have the money to have a lipo done neither breast enlargement but thankfully, soon enough, I realized the man is such a narcissist that he finally admitted to me he prefers younger women only…I am sick and tired of being with narcissists who surprisingly all had my mother’s personality and a super narcissist herself! She would eat off from my plate when I was a teen so I wont gain weight! Or she would constantly judge me if I had gained some weight….Psycho, toxic and insecure parents totally unfit to raise children…and then we wonder how did the world end up this way today..