Although it’s SO not fun to talk about, there’s a glaring legacy of sexual assault and rape in our culture. I work with male and female clients, and it’s common to receive “confessions” of sexual trauma from all genders. These experiences usually occurred during childhood or young adulthood and are often carried internally for years with shame and confusion.
It’s been suggested that breaking silence lifts the veil of shame and victimization. Madonna came out as a rape victim last year—kind of a big deal for a major celebrity. While this is an absolutely crucial first step, I suggest that we need to think much bigger – bigger and more orgasmically. We’re in need of a sexual revolution that redefines who we are as human and sexual beings.
While this blog is about creative solutions, not problems, for perspective’s sake let’s spend a brief moment examining our culture’s default experience of sexuality.
Let’s face it: We live in a rape culture
If we took an honest poll, we’d discover that the majority of people have experienced abuse, sexual assault, trauma, incest or harassment. TV and movies graphically depict rape (think Game of Thrones).
Girls are still fed fairy tale lies about relationships and grow up believing they have to snag a man to be happy.
Boys are still taught that their emotions are a weakness and lack positive outlets or initiations into adulthood.
Jealousy and insecurity rule relationships, physical attraction to others is forbidden, yet cheating is common. We’re silent and puritanical yet sex is everywhere. Millions of women can’t orgasm during sex and men think that jackhammering the whole time is a winning strategy.
Let’s face it, not only is our repressed sexuality painful and traumatic, it’s also totally morose, stifling and boring.
Creating a new sexually empowered paradigm
I know a great many women (myself included) who have a naturally wild, sensual and uninhibited side. As young people we expressed this naturally and many of us were taken advantage of for it, some many times over. And I know a lot of men who have a naturally wild, sensual and uninhibited side, many of whom either became reckless playboys or shut their sexuality down out of fear of harming others.
Let’s explode (all over the place) our culturally received definition of sexuality.
Let’s create a safe, sexually empowered paradigm for ourselves and our children. Sexuality is a primal life force, existing at the core of our being, that allows us to experience bliss, communion and oneness with all life. It has the power to heal, transform, and make peace – if we just remember how.
Here are 7 ways to redefine your sexuality
#1 Learn that sexuality isn’t just about sex
If you think it is, you’re missing the point. Think back to early childhood. Did you ever innocently touch yourself or rub against a door jam “just because it felt good?” (I know you’re out there!) Hopefully, that was long before you knew anything about the act of sex. Unless you were already being taking advantage of sexually, there was no shame, no confusion, just innocent sensual enjoyment. Children have a natural connection to that divine current of pure, ecstatic being.
#2 Reconnect with innocence
Especially if you’ve experienced sexual trauma, experiment with going back to that childlike body exploration, letting go completely of programmed pressures, insecurities and the goal of orgasm. Be patient, let go of the mental mind, and open your senses. Start by breathing deeply and touching your face, lips, clavicle, chest and belly lovingly, exploring skin and bone with your fingertips and letting yourself feel in a new way.
#3 Rekindle your relationship with nature
Connecting with nature is like a direct hook-up to ecstatic being. Just look around you in the Spring—the heady scent of flowers and bees buzzing is a blatant sexual display. Try masturbating under a tree or having sex in a field. Remember the movie 40 Days and 40 Nights when the guy gets a girl off with a flower? That’s what I’m talkin’ about.
#4 Redefine power
We all know the “power over” model that defines us in opposition to each other and nature. We’ve given “vini, vidi, vichi” a fair chance and look where it’s gotten us. If we’re constantly trying to screw someone over or living in fear of being screwed over, then sex becomes about domination. Let’s try the “power with” model, which encourages support, teamwork, communion and mutual success. Only then can we feel safe sexually, which also gives us the opportunity to surrender to a greater good. And great orgasm is all about surrender.
#5 Let your orgasm out
Ladies! How many of you have had an orgasm or gotten super wet on the bus, riding a horse, when you’re meditating, eating something delicious, or just hanging out? Don’t shut that down out of fear and shame! This is the unblocked state of bliss we’re missing, so we need you on this one! And guys, let yourself yell, scream, grunt, yodel, or whatever feels great when you cum! We want to hear you—it turns us on!
#6 Talk to your kids
If you notice them touching themselves, don’t shut it down or get creeped out. They’ll pick up on it and think they are doing something wrong. As long as their behavior is in the home and within a safe context, just smile and acknowledge them. When they get older, be open with them about sex, masturbation and pleasure, and encourage them to get to know their bodies so they don’t go stumbling out into the world of sex totally blind.
#7 Take charge of your reproductive health
Don’t just leave it in the hands of doctors. Women, take the time to get to know your cycles, your changing vaginal mucous, and what it feels like when you ovulate. Talk openly with people you’re intimate with about it. Talk to and listen to your body and her needs. Educate yourself and choose birth control that really works for you. If hormonal birth control causes problems for you, then find a professional who can help you explore alternative methods.
I hope this list sparks thought, discussion and exploration. Sexuality is part of what makes us human, but it’s also totally beyond the self and beyond humanity. It’s transcendent. This should be held sacred, respected and safely, playfully explored. It’s time to get curious, get wet, and join the orgasmic revolution!
Art: Milo Manara
Learn about this ancient Asian secret to get back in touch with your yoni and experience sexual liberation and ecstasy.