Are you in a Sexless Marriage? The truth behind Why So Many Women Prefer No Sex
About Me
Michael is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his Partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working "correctly." His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels. He is an international speaker, TEDx Talk Alum, author and thought leader on advanced human sexuality and intimacy. He and his Partner also speak pro-bono around the U.S. to cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer.Here’s the secret to avoid a sexless marriage and, in fact, have your sex life get better as you get older.
Guys, I have bad news for you. You know the joke “If you want to have sex, don’t get married!”? Well, it’s largely true.
It gets worse. According to an analysis of U.S. Census data, 36% of women living with a same-sex romantic partner in their 40s had been married to a man at some point, and it goes as high as 75% for women in their 60’s.
My take? As women age their needs for intimacy shift so dramatically that some actually switch teams just to find it.
Now for the good news.
You and your partner don’t have to suffer this fate of being stuck in a sexless marriage. In fact, it is possible to have your intimate life get even better as you grow older together! This post shows you how.
Sexless Marriage: The Age-Old Dilemma
“To be honest, I can take or leave sex, and mostly I’d rather leave it,” Lee Woodruff, CBS News Correspondent, admitted in an article for Ladies Home Journal.
She also shares how her husband of 25 years, Bob, is ready for action nearly all the time like most men. She even admits that sometimes, she gives in to perform her “wifely duty” when she would rather go to sleep.
I hope my partner and I never start seeing intimacy as a chore! (Yes, men can feel that way, too.)
Men and Women See Sex Differently
It’s often said that the woman hopes her man will change over time and the man hopes his wife never changes and they both end up disappointed. This was certainly the case with my first marriage and, based on conversations I’ve had with others, this unmet expectation is a common theme.
The way men and women perform in the bedroom is greatly impacted by both biological and cultural “wiring”: Sex is primarily for procreation purposes so in terms of making babies, our wiring is perfect.
However, it seems to me that most of us have evolved beyond the imperative to use sex exclusively for procreating to channel to connect deeply with another human being.
It is the conflict between seeking deep connection and the hard-wired imperative for procreation that causes many of the sexual problems for committed couples.
How Intimacy Changes with Age
In the early years of a relationship, sex is pleasurable to both the man and woman.
Most women during their child-bearing are excited by sex. In fact, during this phase, they may actually prefer intercourse over most other forms of physical intimacy.
As women mature beyond this period, however, their intimate preferences begin to change.
- Non-sexual forms of physical intimacy become far more important.
- Intercourse becomes less attractive to them (or even painful).
- Many begin to prefer other forms of physical intimacy.
- They often require a much longer time to “warm up” before being ready to climax.
- The “quickie” appeals less to them.
- Many are concerned that their man will find them less attractive and have fears of being replaced by a “newer model”.
Meanwhile, most men prefer the penetrative sex they always enjoyed, no matter how old he and his partner become.
The Big Sexual Divide and Why
This is where the breakdown starts happening and couples end up in a sexless marriage.
Women too often are afraid to share with their mate what *really* works and doesn’t work for them out of fear they may hurt their partner’s feelings, or he may become so angry he will leave her.
So, her guy remains absolutely clueless, disappointed, and frustrated as to why his Honey just isn’t interested any more.
You can see where this is going; a very sad direction that is taken by too many mature relationships.
Once the divide reaches a certain size, both partners are typically unsatisfied with their intimate life. Ironically, they both crave deep intimacy more than ever, but have no idea how to rekindle it.
Here are the likely outcomes in this situation: They both just settle into a sexless marriage or they split. When they split, either one or both find intimacy elsewhere.
Find Your Way Back To The Best Sex Ever
These potential not-so-great outcomes are not fait accompli.
It is not only possible, but surprisingly simple for long-term couples to have the most fulfilling physical intimacy in their later years together. All it requires is a change of attitude:
- Women need to authentically communicate with their partner what they really want in terms of intimacy.
- It’s crucial for men to listen. More importantly, they need to follow through with what their mate is telling them.
When men realize that women take longer to “warm up” to physical intimacy as they grow older, lovemaking changes for the better.
For example, I spend a good hour of our lovemaking warming up my (post-menopausal) partner by first showering with her. I scrub her whole body down with a luffa–something she absolutely loves! And give her a head-to-toe deep, non-sexual massage. This way, I create of space where both of us can be fully present.
Once she is warmed up, she is ready…and boy, is she ready!
At this stage of her life she really doesn’t care for pounding intercourse – which is a good thing because I’m fully impotent – and much prefers gentle oral sex after the warm-up or a pussy massage.
By my slowing down as a man, I can respond to her emotional and sexual needs and I am fully present without goals or agenda. Her response? Multiple explosive climaxes!
This makes me wonder how different it would be for Lee and Bob and the countless sexless couples if they approached their intimate needs in this way. I suspect she would be reporting on an entirely different experience, excitedly sharing how their current intimate life is far better than it ever was.
Men have the power to unlock the truly unlimited sexual potential of our women at any age and reap the mind-blowing benefits. It just requires that we listen and transform our procreative urge from pounding sex to incredibly fulfilling emotional and physical intimacy in the manner our partner prefers.
And when this happens, “wifely duty” will forever be banished from her vernacular.
By Michael J. Russer | Featured Artist: Thomas Saliot
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