Vivian Flaim is a writer who spends her days thinking about and exploring human intimacy and connection. She passionately believes in the right to openly and freely express sexual identity, identifying as a polyamorous bisexual female “relationship anarchist.” She is native to the California Bay Area, where she currently serves as the Communications Director of a sustainability think tank and demonstration center.
First date dilemma: you’re making out, things are starting to get hot and heavy, and you find yourself at a crossroads – are you willing to “go further” with this person yet?
There may seem like two options:
#1 Keep the sexual energy flowing by engaging in oral sex or intercourse, despite the fact that you probably haven’t developed much trust with this new lover.
#2 Stop the sexual energy by pulling away and saying something along the lines of: “Let’s take it slow.”
However, I’ve found pleasure and empowerment in steering mounting sexual energy towards a delicious third option: Mutual Masturbation.
Mutual masturbation is a term used to describe sexual activity that does not involve fluid exchange.
4 Incredible, Delicious, Benefits of Mutual Masturbation
Here’s why mutual masturbation is a wonderful, empowering tool for sharing your sexuality:
#1 It helps you decide if you want to “go further” next time.
Did you feel safe, comfortable and respected? Or did your partner react uncomfortably to something you asked for during mutual masturbation?
Well, good – you know before you’ve had higher-risk contact that you two are not sexually compatible.
#2 It makes sex bigger than just penetration
It encourages a deep appreciation of kissing, caressing, erotic massage and other forms of physicality that are too often rushed en route to “3rd base sex” or penetrative orgasm.
Genital massage especially can be profoundly healing, as it encourages receiving (as opposed to “performing” for your partner). This can be a powerful experience for women who have been culturally conditioned to put others’ desires ahead of their own.
#4 It builds trust
It builds trust and allows you to practice open communication about what you want and don’t want.
#5 It shows your lover what you’re into.
Nobody knows your body better than you do. Watching you touch yourself will teach your partner how to touch you, and will probably turn him into an even greater lover.
5 Unique Ways To Engage in Mutual Masturbation
Here are some ways to do it:
#1 Touch yourself while watching your partner
You can lie across the bed, or next to a partner while you both touch yourselves. It’s fun to fantasize aloud about what you are “doing” to each other (i.e. Moaning, “You’re sliding into me now…” while penetrating yourself with your fingers).
#2 Take turns exchanging genital massage
Relax completely while your partner gently explores and caresses your genitals. This is a sweet way to build trust, share sensual energy, and practice communication about touch preferences. (It’s also a beautiful and refreshing practice for seasoned lovers!)
#3 Touch each others genitals simultaneously
Reserve one hand for you and one for your partner if you are trying to prevent fluid exchange.
#4 Take turns stroking each other
Take turns stroking each others thighs, buttocks or genitals while the receiver masturbates. Imagine four hands on you at once!
#1 Confidently communicate your intentions up front
As soon as the energy becomes sexual, tell your partner that you’d like to enjoy mutual masturbation with them, and that’s it – at least, for the time being. This will help prevent the frustration of built-up expectations. I usually say something along the lines of:
“There’s this way of getting to know each other that I’d love to try with you. Can I tell you what I’d like?”
In my experience, most people are thrilled by this proposal. If your partner seems miffed or offended that you want to hold off on oral sex or intercourse, I would see it as a red flag. Why date someone who isn’t supportive and encouraging of your boundaries?
#2 Be specific about what you want (and don’t want)