Why Men With Erectile Dysfunction Are The Best Lovers

The Author

Michael Russer

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About Me

Michael is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his Partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working "correctly." His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels. He is an international speaker, TEDx Talk Alum, author and thought leader on advanced human sexuality and intimacy. He and his Partner also speak pro-bono around the U.S. to cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer.

This may come to you as a shock…

.. But many women agree that men with Erectile Dysfunction are the best lovers they’ve ever had!

While this response is rather unexpected, the reasons behind it may forever change your views on what true, fulfilling intimacy entails.

DISCLAIMER: at the risk of sounding self-serving, I am clinically impotent and don’t pretend to be any great lover. Much of what I discuss below is based upon my own personal experience and interviews with other women.

Erectile Dysfunction: A Man’s Worst Nightmare?

In our culture, one of the worst things that can happen to a man is to have a moment of Erectile Dysfunction. Or, God forbid, full blown clinical impotence.

The male potency imperative is so strong that I’ve had men tell me they would rather die than lose their erectile function.

Even a temporary bout of Erectile Dysfunction is enough to send most men into a self-confidence funk followed by a frenzied call to their doctor for a prescription of Viagra or Cialis.

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Some female partners are negatively affected as well.

Even if the cause is purely physical, they can interpret their man’s flaccid response as a sign that he no longer finds them attractive.

I suspect that the more secure a woman feels about her own sexuality and attractiveness, the less this is an issue.

Erectile Dysfunction: A Woman’s Dream?

While not at all a scientific study, I’ve observed that a woman’s age can have a huge impact on how she expresses intimacy.

Generally speaking, it seems that women of childbearing years put a much higher premium on intercourse.

Once a woman approaches menopause, her desire for penetrative sex seems to wane. That doesn’t mean her desire for physical intimacy is any less! Just how she wants to experience it can be quite different from her early “rip our clothes off” stage.

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Again, these are general observations not based on any scientific study. There will always be exceptions.

So if you accept this possibility, you can see how a man with Erectile Dysfunction could be a blessing to his post-childbearing age female partner.

If he can get over his “loss” and explore other ways of being intimate with her, they will both likely be very fulfilled.

Some years ago, I interviewed a forty-year-old woman who said her previous boyfriend had a bout of erectile dysfunction and ended up becoming the world’s greatest lover. Then, when his function eventually returned, he became “a dick again” looking for other places to put it. This explains why he is a “previous” boyfriend.

Is an Erection The Most Important Thing?

I have an idea as to what is happening here.

When guys get a hard-on, there is this very deep, visceral / primal urge to use it and use it now! This tends to make us and our lovemaking very penile focused. While great for making babies, it is not always so for making love that is deeply connecting and fulfilling for both parties.

When men lose the ability to get erect, they also lose some of the urgency that comes with it.

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And if the man with erectile dysfunction can successfully separate his sense of manhood from the physical state of his penis, it opens him and his partner up to exploring other ways of being deliciously intimate.

He is also likely to slow down and be more present for his partner, perhaps in ways he never considered possible when things were working properly.

Embrace the Gentleness of Erectile Dysfunction

Should you learn that your man is not able to “perform” in the usual way, it is your cue to help him through it.

First, genuinely reassure him that you love him and find him just as sexy as ever. Then have an authentic, vulnerable conversation on the different ways you can express exciting, fulfilling intimacy with each other.

Treat it as a great adventure that leads to untold pleasurable treasures.

And, by all means, never allow the term “performance” to enter your bedroom. Instead, replace it with “presence” – the art of being fully present for each other when making love.

Being present for each other during intimacy is the most sensual thing two people can do in the bedroom.

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So, should your guy ever have an issue getting it up, try seeing it as an invitation to explore what truly is possible, intimately speaking. You may find that there is, indeed,  much for both of you to celebrate.

By Michael J. Russer  | Edited by Eda Sofía | Featured Artist: Unknown (if you identify him/her please let us know so that we can credit)

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