Monogamy Is Not For Amateurs [Read This To Find Out If You Are One]
If you want to experience true monogamy you’d better be all in.
I have always been a flirt. I love men, I love people, I love life. While most women are looking for ‘the one’, or dream of meeting the man they can share an infinite love story with, I am like a woman at a French Bakery who wants a little taste of everything. I don’t just like cupcakes, I like caramel eclairs, chocolate mousse cups, and macaroons too.
Why would I choose just one of anything when I can have a little taste of them all?
The Black & White Walls of Monogamy
One thing, I have never understood about monogamy is the notion that one person could be everything for you. It seems like a really tall order.
We change so much during our lives that to think one person could be everything we always want, that we won’t feel differently in ten years, is a little naive.
You don’t know who you will be in the future. You only have control over the present.
If you think about all your old boyfriends, or girlfriends and how stoked you are you didn’t wind up with some of them, it is a damn good thing you have options.
It’s a damn good thing that we do change and that we are capable of seeing the light.
Variety is vital to existence. We experience it in every aspect of our lives: with our friends, family, food, trips, passions, hobbies, and desires. So why is that when it comes to romance, variety and sharing is a big fat No-No?
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As parents we teach our children the value of sharing. We want our children to be well rounded individuals who experience the joy of giving to others. If we didn’t teach our children to share they might all become savage little selfish beasts.
It is the nature of humankind to be inherently selfish and to want what we want for ourselves. As adults we try to balance our selfish impulses with the art of giving and sharing with others, so we aren’t so self-centered. Except for when it comes to romance.
No one, initially, wants to share in love. Once we meet someone who activates our heart, that’s it, the sharing game is over, and we revert back to our 3 year old territorial self of mine, mine, mine. Love, in monogamy, is a selfish pursuit. So much so that if anyone else expresses interest, or love for the person we love, we are willing to go to battle to defend what we believe is rightfully ours.
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It is imperative to remember that, despite our fears, we don’t own anyone.
No one is yours.
People are on loan, at best, and no one belongs to anyone else. Everyone’s life is their own and the sooner we understand this, the less likely we are to suffocate our love and romance to death.
All this ‘ownership’ turns monogamy into a prison. A prison where your partner is the warden and you are the one behind bars.
It’s no wonder a lot of us are terrified of commitment, or want out of relationships.
Joining forces with another person is about combining energy not checking out and putting the burden of responsibility for all our emotional shit on someone else. Monogamy is meant to be a collaborative effort where together we elevate the two combined energies.
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The Ideal of Monogamy
Monogamy is a lovely ideal, two souls who will love each other like the honeymoon phase for all time, but it is not for amateurs,
Many of us get into monogamy floating on a dream, having no idea that the dream will not continue to dream itself unless we show up and take responsibility for what we want.
The second that our love is activated we think we have it all. We think the gift will just keep on giving and that the only role we have to play is to enjoy ourselves. This is so far from the truth and one of the biggest reasons a lot of us get blind sided in love. It’s a magical gift we want to hold on to, but then time, reality, and life corrode that precious love and before we know it, it’s like a distant star in sky of our memories and we have no idea how to reach it anymore.
Love is the most precious commodity on the planet. You have no idea when it will strike and you have no idea how to hold on to that shooting star once it’s pierced your heart.
Love is like any other gift or dream . It manifests to show us the potential of what and who we are inside, and what we are capable of creating with one another. But, like any gift, it requires presence and participation in order to prosper.
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Love and our dream of monogamy is a snapshot into a greater reality we all long to have manifest in an ultimate form. But it is not a complete picture.
All of us want love to be a constant, but the reality is most of us have no idea how to make it a constant force in our lives. Right now, we are at the mercy of love and when it wants to show up. We have no control. Doesn’t that bother you? Doesn’t the fact that you have a gift you don’t understand how to wield make you hungry to do something about it?
Monogamy isn’t a solution itself, and neither is love.
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The Truth of Monogamy
True Monogamy is the sacred union of two souls whose love lifts them beyond their personal limitations. It is one of the most precious unions there is and that is why we want it.
Deep down we all search for transcendence and non-separateness. All of us are trying to become whole and discover ourselves through the mirror of others.
Yet, what we don’t realize is monogamy is not a playground for training wheels, or a license to go unconscious. Monogamy requires devotion and commitment of the highest levels and most of us, whether we want to admit it or not, are not even remotely close to actualizing that big of a dream.
If you want to experience true monogamy you’d better be all in.
There is no one foot in and one foot out in monogamy or else it falls to ruin, and that is why so many monogamous relationships die out. Most monogamous relationships are built on a cloud and once we awaken to this we fall straight through.
You can have what you seek in monogamy but you have to show up and know the stakes.
Most us want all the benefits of monogamy with none of the accountability, and some of us want to be monogamous but have no idea how to pursue this dream.
We cannot get into monogamy to hide out from ourselves in someone else, or to dump all of the shit we don’t want to deal with on them.
Monogamy is an opportunity to dive deep into our own souls, and the soul of another.
Most of us like it when love is working, it’s magic, but the second that we have to take the reins and move from unconscious creator to conscious creator, and we actually have to own our love and create it ourselves, we deem it as ‘too hard’.
We think that love is easy, and that we shouldn’t have to work at it, or it’s not right. We are blind to the reality that part of the benefit of love is teaching ourselves how to create and maintain it for ourselves and those we love.
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You don’t deserve any dream you are not willing to go after with everything you’ve got.
And everything you’ve got isn’t be doing what is easy, or even natural. It is standing in the fire of what you want on a daily basis and approaching it with the same level of awe and amazement you hold for any ideal. It’s putting yourself out there to go and get what you want.
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You must be willing to go beyond a few years of fun to the absolute depth of your deepest, darkest corners. To work on all the shadows, and all that you resist and hide from yourself.
Say yes to shining the magnifying glass on all of your worst faults and qualities, while you hold space for your partner to do the same.
Not to beat yourself up, but so you can heal and transform yourself so that you are able to say yes to true, unconditional love.
Say “I do” to the entire mythic journey of waking yourself up while you are held by someone else who understands that you are excavating yourself from the ashes.
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If you value monogamy and you want that love story, the one that will take you through the years and bring you deeper into another person, you’d better look at the stakes and be ready to pursue that dream with your whole being.
Monogamy is no joke. You need to be awake. You need to be ready to engage yourself and your partner consciously everyday.
You need to look at your relationship the same way you would your dream job.
You need to play an active role in your life on a daily basis. There is no laziness in love. If the love dies then that’s on you.
XO, Kelly Marceau | Edited by Serena Gee |Featured Artist: Adrian Borda
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I think I’m one… But I’m open for the idea to go beyond it. I’m not ready yet but after 10 years of relationship I might be. Right now I don’t like the thought of being with someone else than my partner and him with someone else. But it’s interesting.
Spiritual Careerista in Paris | http://www.happycareerista.wordpress.com
Oh please, so what are u suggesting? I’m pretty bored of ppl saying monogamy is the curse of civilization, lolz, get real, it has a biological explanation as we don’t have to spend so much resources pursuing and maintaining relationships with a lot of ppl. Monogamy has a lot of advanges and it’s stupid ppl recommending to quit just because they can’t fuck anybody else (big dramma of humankind, lol, showing that we are just stupid animals). Ppl now is fucking scared of being monogamous so they have lame sex, confusions in their feelings and are finally lonely and scared, so please stop spreading so much dramma.
I think you missed the point of the article…
Although, this article gives good points, it really shouldn’t apply exclusively to monogamy alone; it can also apply to non-monogamous relationships, too.
Pretty much ‘any’ kind of relationship takes a lot of ‘work’ if you’re willing to put effort into them and what I feel should be what drives relationships; I don’t wish to see one type of relationship like monogamy as a ‘default’ to define a relationship because everyone should choose a type of relationship that works best for you and you alone.